In my experience, the best kind of friends are the ones who are happy to put the work in, or 'emotional labor' on someone else's behalf. They are also the friends that will help dig up your garden or mend a fence, if need be.
And you can call them up at unthinkable hours of the night; they really wont mind, but will be keen to support you and discuss anything you like. I don't know about you, but that sounds like a really good friend to me.
However, many people lack compassion and empathy, and don't put the effort in to help, or show any real interest in their friends, and are either busy judging them, comparing themselves, or have an ulterior motive for the union.
Are these people your friends?
Some people reject certain friends once they start having any 'serious problems', and some friends get rejected when they become too successful in one sphere or another, leaving an envious friend, uncomfortable with the relationship, going forward.
Unfortunately, many of us have come across people like those mentioned above. For some, it's easier to ditch a friend than to step up and try to help; the effort required is just too much. However, this lets you know that certain types of people are not equipped to be real friends, but simply people with agendas … and they may not care to be upgraded.
Are you a quality friend?
The trouble with superficial friendships, is that most people don't need or especially enjoy fairweather friends; after all, none of our lives are ever perfect; so we want people who truly care about, and are loyal to us, no matter what is thrown our way.
We want friends who love us when we're feeling useless, down, ugly and worn out, and when we're on top form, brimming with joy, interest and excitement. The level of respect, loyalty, kindness and interest is what sets the standard.
'Always be kinder than necessary, as everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle' — J.M. Barrie
In my opinion, some people simply don't understand the dynamics of what actually constitutes a good relationship in the first place, let alone what makes a good friend. However, this is something that can definitely be learned and changed, with a lot of heart and an open mind.
Other people use 'lack of time' as an excuse for why they don't contact friends, but all this means, is that some people are a long way down their list of priorities. In my opinion, this is a poor judgement call — if you truly value a friend; and a good quote by Tony Robbins comes to mind:
'The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships', and I have found this to be consistently true throughout life, without exception.
Interestingly, I've never met a person with a few good friends that was ever unhappy for very long, and people that initiate regular contact with friends, seem generally more at ease in the world.
Having no good friend
I believe that, it doesn't matter what else you have going for you, if you don't have at least one good, supportive and happy friendship, where you can communicate your truest, darkest and most shocking feelings, you are a long way from peace of mind, and the depth, joy, spontaneity and laughter of everyday life.
You may also feel emotionally deprived, abandoned and physically demotivated, which is entirely understandable. Nobody wants to be alone in all things.
A good friend is priceless
What I have found is this: If you have the privilege of one or more good quality friends that you truly value, and the feeling is reciprocated, your own world view can improve dramatically. Life becomes more meaningful, intimate, connected, fun and rewarding, and you enjoy better mental health and self-esteem.
Furthermore, altruistic and caring people are better at sustaining long-term quality friendships, as they are naturally 'other person' oriented. They are also less likely to be self-absorbed or depressed.
What makes a good friend?
When it comes to giving and receiving real friendship — it's something that usually kind, patient, curious, open and willing people experience. We have to start by being 'good friend material' ourselves, if we want to attract other people with high standards.
We need to respect other people for who they are, appreciate their differences and all the things we don't understand about them. By trying to offer the best version of ourselves to friends, we shall 'leave people better than we found them' as the wise saying suggests.
Fortunately, with a warm, open, curious and non-judgemental attitude, we can all make friends in this world, if we have a gentle, kind and positive approach to people, are willing to give them our time, and show a genuine interest in them.
In the end, it's all quite simple, but it's our choice as to whether we will truly value our friendships, enjoy and invest in them, or whether we would rather be alone, and not complain about it later on.
© America Zed. Other Stories by America Zed.