COLON WOES

I know you think you know where this is going — and you're right. What gave it away? Wait — don't tell me.

Before we get there though, I need your considered and considerable medical advice in the comments.

We're all types of doctors here on Medium, at least in our own minds. Except for Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg) who appears to be a real doctor. You are real, right? Right??

So here's my question, to give all you former Quora folks something to do. Those who left, those who still answer there when you have time, and those who've been banned for life. You know who you are Hogan Torah. You also know you're jonesing to impart wisdom. Ready, set, impart.

Where the hell do you find clear liquids?

Where the hell do you find clear liquids? Beyond water, which while necessary for sustaining life doesn't have nutritional value. Of all the values to have, nutritional is one of the loftiest. Especially to all of us who, through no fault of our own, are starving.

Okay, I guess my starvation situation is partially my fault.

Genetics and my grandmother and mother are the real culprits, though. We all lost our gallbladders, and then developed diverticuli, small pouches on the colon, which becomes diverticulosis. Which morphs into diverticulitis, which…Never mind. Too gross. Ask Dr. Burg.

I'm just along for the genetic diverticulosis ride. And the ride requires that, along with being tall enough — which I barely am at 5ƈ'' — I forego dairy, beef, refined flour and processed foods. Not just temporarily while healing, but for all time.

Processed foods and refined flour are no problem. I gave them up years ago, in my crunchier days. Dairy I cut way back on after my lips — the ones on my face — swelled to three times their size. Scary, although it would save on filler.

Cheese, though, is clearly a drug. One cheese enchilada and I'm on a bender. Is there anything better than cheese? Don't say sex. Does sex melt slowly and sensuously over nachos? That's what I thought. Chips are sharp.

Then there's the beef. Asking a Texan to GIVE UP chicken fried steak is seditious. Like cheese and drugs, though, chicken fried steak gets into your brain and stomach, and those two rascals demand more and more, more and more often. I started with one or two a year. Then one every three months. And now? Don't ask.

Except for right now. Right now I need CLEAR LIQUIDS. And there are only two that have the value of nutrition — chicken and beef broth. They taste exactly like they look. Meh. Bleh. Bleh, bleh, bleh.

That leads me back to where you thought I started. And you were right. Don't you feel good about yourself now?

White wine and tequila are clear liquids — are they not? They're also made from food, or at least plants, though I'm told people do eat cactus. So tequila and white wine are clear and they have nutritional value — do they not?

Yes I know, vodka is also clear and made from potatoes, not unlike the baked ones I've snacked on between the clear liquid meals.

And gin is basically salad.

The mash can be made from grain, molasses, potatoes, apples and grapes. Juniper berries add flavor and more nutrition. Mix it all up and you have — salad. So, gin is basically salad.

But Tequila is my drink. White wine, not so much, although it will do when I'm out of red.

When not doubled over in indescribable pain, red wine is my drink of choice. However, red wine is not clear, so it doesn't support my case.

What's my case?

My case is — if a doctor doesn't want you to interpret clear liquids as alcohol, they better be clear themselves.

Disclaimer: So, of course I'm not really drinking alcohol while healing from diverticulitis. My Nurse Practitioner would have a hissy. Besides, while I believe tequila kills all germs, imagine pouring it on an open wound. That's what I've got in my colon. Yeah, not doing that.