i used to think love meant taking up less space. being easier to keep around. quieter when things felt heavy. i didn't question it much at the time. it just felt like the natural way to stay close to someone. you adjust, you soften the edges, you hold things in so they don't spill over.

sometimes i still catch myself doing it without noticing. measuring my words before they leave my mouth. wondering if this feeling is too much to share or if it should stay mine. it's strange how quickly care can turn into caution.

and i know people say love isn't supposed to feel like that. that you should be able to exist. fully. without worrying about weight or inconvenience. but knowing something and feeling it are different things. the thought lingers anyway.

"what if being loved depends on how easy you are to carry?"

there are moments when i try to remember how i was before i started thinking this way. before every emotion needed to be filtered. i don't know if that version of me was lighter, or just less aware of how easily things shift between people.

sometimes i wonder if the fear isn't about being a burden at all. maybe it's about what happens when someone sees the parts of you that aren't easy to hold. whether they stay patient, or slowly grow tired without saying it out loud. that quiet change scares me more than any argument ever could.

so i keep learning how to balance it. how to be honest without feeling excessive. how to need without apologizing for it, even when the apology sits at the back of my throat anyway. and some days it feels possible. other days i go back to shrinking a little, just in case that's what keeps things from breaking.