I recently left an abusive workplace.
It started when a friendly recruiter reached out to me on LinkedIn. She invited me to apply for one of their open posts as she found my work experience impressive and relevant to their current opening.
I wasn't looking for a new job then, but I'd already been working in my previous company for four years, and I thought it would be good to try something new.
After a few interviews and evaluations, I got an offer. The recruiter and my to-be manager told me I was the top applicant. Since the offer and terms were favorable, I accepted the offer. I left my previous company on a good note, and I'm still in touch with my former colleagues.
I was initially excited to start anew. I thought I could contribute a lot to this startup since I had years of experience in a similar role and setup. My new company was still building its processes, and I was excited to be part of the pilot team.
My first two months were happy. The people were all kind and accomodating. They had various programs to help new hires adapt quickly. Unfortunately, this joy was short-lived.
The Fallout
At first, I thought it was just because I was new. Maybe I needed more time to adjust to a new team and culture. It's no big deal.
After my second month, however, I could no longer ignore the warning signs. My manager is a gaslighter, and she's very good at it.
I was often scolded for wrong outputs. I don't deny that I made mistakes. But several of them could've been prevented if the instructions were consistent and clear. I always took notes on tasks and to-dos. But each time I presented my output, my manager would always say my work was incomplete, incorrect, or half-baked.
This made me doubt myself and my capabilities. However, I'm much aware that the instructions she gives at the beginning of each work are different from her expected output. This had always been my frustration.
After five months into that role, I told my manager about this concern. I knew this couldn't go on longer because it would damage my credibility, relationship with my team, and, most importantly, my mental health.
If you've been in a similar situation, you would know that honest, well-meaning feedback can be misinterpreted and used against you. And such was the case.
She brushed my concern off. She said that since I was already an experienced professional, I was required to understand what she asked of me even if her instructions were inconsistent.
My work grief didn't end there. Every time I ask her questions, I get a verbal beating. She doesn't answer my queries anymore. At other times, she'd respond sarcastically. If the gaslighting wasn't enough, I'm even rebuked now if I ask for clarifications.
I wanted to stay at this company for a year, at least. I was worried my resume would be tarnished if I left this company after only a few months. But the gaslighting and psychological abuse were already too much.
I dreaded going to work. I'd get anxiety and stomach pains every time I was assigned a task. And most of all, I felt deeply alone. As much as I hated to admit it, I was unhappy.
After six months of working at that firm, I left.
Having no job at such an uncertain time was unnerving. I'm now unemployed amid a pandemic and political crisis.
This is the first time I quit a job without securing my next post. I could no longer take the abuse and loneliness, and desperation made me jump ship.
Fortunately, my family and friends were all very supportive. They were with me in such an excruciating situation. I felt so helpless and dry, but it was relieving to have them by my side.
They assured me I could always ask for help. I may now be unemployed, but at least I have my family and friends. Most importantly, I rekindled myself.
Life Is A Series Of Trade-offs
While my resignation has caused me a lot of anxiety, I never felt better in a long time. I have more time for other things that spark joy. I'm not saying work is unimportant. We all need to work to live. But no work is ever worth our well-being.
I may be unemployed now, but I've regained my peace. The managerial position and decent compensation they offered are not enough for me to give up my sanity.
Because of my experience at that company, I learned that no amount of money or promotion is worth it in exchange for our well-being. While I initially resisted this fact, I felt liberated when I finally accepted it.
I traded my job for myself.
What We Can Learn From This
If you've been in a similar situation or are in one, you are not alone. It's not easy to lift yourself from an abusive place. If it helps, these are some of the things I considered before I left:
- Understand your situation. Not everyone can do the same thing I did, and that's alright. Not everyone has the privilege to quit their jobs especially if they have lots of financial responsibilities. In this case, try to see if there are some things you can still change in your workplace. Though it's difficult, see if there's anything you can do to make your workplace better. If things become better, that's good. If they don't change, you can always apply to other posts. That way, you'd have a safety net when you leave. If you have a similar situation to mine, you can leave even without another offer yet. Just know that there are tradeoffs to this choice.
- Remember, You are valid. No one should feel discredited if they have a hard time at work. Someone who's having a hard time but is willing to learn is a precious asset to a company. Work involves lifelong learning, and it's alright if you're unsure of something. Just ensure you've done your part before you ask for help. Also, a failure at work does not make you incompetent or invalid. I'm still having a hard time internalizing this, but I believe I will get there eventually. You are valid.
- Accept that some things are beyond your control. Gaslighting has destructive effects. My first-hand experience with this was traumatic. I questioned my reality and competence. I even lost the joy and confidence I used to have at this work. Because my manager's expected output was different from our previously discussed requirements, I thought there was a problem with me. I thought, "if only I understood her better," or "maybe I should've done x or y." A gaslighting victim can fall easily into this destructive thinking. When I finally snapped out of it, I realized my mistakes were not entirely my fault. Work involves proper communication and teamwork. If your manager or teammate isn't willing to admit they have problems, it's their issue. If you already raised this problem and they denied it, remember that you did your part. You are brave and mature for handling such a delicate situation.
Final Words
There are many things we can't control. Sometimes, life gives us a bad set of cards to play with. But that's just the way it is. The only way forward is to do the best we can.
This belief brought me a strange kind of relief. While it didn't change my situation, accepting things I can't change freed me.
I'm not saying we should settle for something we're dissatisfied with. But there are things we can't change. When stuck in this type of situation, we can examine ourselves, determine our considerations, and choose to either stay or find a better place.
I know It's hard to see good things when we're stuck in a helpless situation. I've been in one. But now that I finally dared to leave something that didn't treat me well, I am more at ease.
For those of you who are in a similar situation I was, the only thing I can tell you is to hold on. You don't have to like where you currently are. But you can be grateful that you can brave your circumstances. Things may be hard, but they will get better.
Remember, we are more than our work, our job title, and compensation. We are the person we are, and we deserve joy and happiness.