Pick a college, any college, and there is likely to be a Facebook group out there for parents to share information, complain about costs, and overshare about their kid's problems.

The Alumni Parent

This parent graduated from XYZ College and will never let you forget it. They will pop up on every thread to explain how things were done back in the day. Pity the newbie parent who says that the dining hall food isn't very good. The Alumni parent will jump in quickly to state that in his day all the dining hall served was hardtack and beans and that deprivation is what made him the man he is today.

The Cheerleader Parent

This parent loves all things XYZ. If they find a sale at Target on sweaters in the school colors they will be sure to let everyone know. Everything about XYZ is terrific and their feelings will be very hurt if someone suggests otherwise.

The Penny Pinching Parent

This parent is very very concerned about how much this all is costing. They want and will demand value for money. Most of their posts or comments begin with, "For the amount of money I pay…"

One subset of this parent is the out-of-state parent who floats plans for how to change residency status so they can pay in-state tuition.

The Helicopter Parent

This parent is very useful because they know everything. They have read the website, researched the course catalog, checked out the professors on RateMyProfessor.com. They know exactly when Thanksgiving break really begins and will get back to you quickly with the details. Unlike your child who you have been pestering for this information so you can buy a plane ticket before the price becomes over the top outrageous.

These parents come in two varieties: those in close and full communication with their children and thus backed up by boots-on-the-ground info, and those who are hovering hoping for some glimpse of their offspring who has now gone to ground and only surfaces to respond to the occasional request for a proof-of-life text or threat of cutting off the funding spigot.

The Newbie Parent

This parent has just sent their eldest or only child off to college. Their questions will range from the practical, "Do I really need to buy extra long sheets or can I send regular ones?" to the existential, "Will I ever stop crying when I look in my kid's empty room." Be gentle with this parent. Much as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a Facebook group to help this parent transition to being the parent of a college student.

The Veteran Parent

This parent's student is an upperclassman, or a graduate, or the sixth child in a row that they have sent to this very college. This parent rarely posts themselves, but comments regularly on other posts to say relax, back off, they need to be adults now, and it will all be okay.

A typical comment looks something like this, "Don't worry about how your kid messed up. When my little Johnny was a freshman, he slept through his Calculus final, got locked out of the dorm in the nude during a fire alarm, and had mono twice. But eventually, he got his feet under him and figured out how to be a college student. He's graduating in May and already has a six-figure job lined up on Wall St."

The Oversharing Parent

This parent gives way too much personal information about their child, particularly regarding embarrassing physical symptoms. At religious institutions, this can take the form of prayer requests. "Please lift up my darling daughter. She has been struggling with diarrhea since Sunday and can barely make it to class. Pray God's healing on her."

Sometimes the overshare involves the roommate as well for bonus points. "My daughter who lives on third floor XYZ dorm can't get any sleep because her roommate from New Jersey brings a different guy back to the room to have sex every night. My Daughter is a virgin who is waiting for marriage so this is very distressing to her."

The Argumentative Parent

This is the parent who just won't let it go. The topic could be anything from tailgating to voting to roommate agreements to the evergreen hot topic, "Should parents require their child to share all grade information, and if so how?" Whatever side of an issue this parent is on they will continue commenting until the moderator shuts it down, usually about eight comments into the name-calling session.

The Helpful Parent

This parent is worth their weight in gold and the best reason for joining the group. Every one of the parents above can also fall into this category. This is the parent who will answer any questions from the most basic, "How do I add money to my kid's laundry account?" to the most painful, "My kid is accused of plagiarism, what do I do now?"

This is the local parent who will run to the drug store and deliver medicine to someone else's sick child. This is the out-of-town parent who will help someone else's kid find a place to stay for their internship. This is the parent who will empathize, "Yeah, my kid is struggling too. It's hard isn't it."

This is the parent who will save the day and deliver the winter coat and laptop charger left behind by someone else's child in a rush to get away from home and back to school at the end of winter break.

This is the parent who helped me feel less alone as I navigated this new phase of parenting. The one whose post makes me realize my kid isn't a disaster doomed to fail out of school and live in my basement forever.

The Moderator

Spare a final thought for this most helpful of parents, the moderator. If I was in charge of choosing an ambassador for an important foreign posting and I found out one candidate had been a college parent's Facebook group moderator they would have my vote.

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