Realization | Exercise
"Darling, you misspelled "co-dependent". That's what you are. Not independent. Codependent."
That was my inner voice. That witch again tried to annoy me with her nonsense. But this time, she's right.
Life keeps slapping me in the face and reminding me that happiness comes from within. External factors can never cause it; they can only enhance it.
I've had successes in my life. Achievements that people praised me for. These successes fed my ego again and again. But did they bring true happiness? Not really.
The only happiness they brought was the same happiness I felt after consuming a product. Intense but short-lived. Fake.
I was a consumer of benefits and external validation.
I made my happiness dependent on other people and things. Especially on my partner. I became codependent.
No wonder my inner voice had started competing with life itself to see who would hit me the hardest with their uncomfortable truths.
But I didn't want to put up with it anymore. This time, I'd do something about it.
My solution
Acceptance.
Radical acceptance, even.
I began to ask myself uncomfortable questions:
- What is the real cause of your frustration?
- Is it that you doubt yourself as soon as someone stops giving you their attention, even though you're getting more than enough?
- Is it because your partner doesn't tell you every other minute that she loves you?
- Is it that you make your mood entirely dependent on other people and what you think they think of you?
- Is it something else that you can't change?
And no matter what answer I gave to these questions (read: yes to all of them), I said to myself loud and clear:
It's time to stop resisting. Accept everything.
Resistance to things you cannot change is futile. It'll bring you nothing but frustration. And there will be no way to stop this frustration. It'll keep coming back, preferably in the evening before you go to bed. Unless you accept what you can't control.
But acceptance isn't as easy as it sounds. It's something you have to do over and over again.
This is how I go about it.
I make a "List of Acceptance."
When a situation repeatedly frustrates me, I make a list of all the sources of my frustration. I make sure I write everything down, no matter how big or small, important or unimportant.
And most of the time, surprise, surprise! What frustrates me is something I have no control over. Here are some examples:
- A client who treated me poorly
- My body that's aging
- A loved one said something unpleasant
Whenever I'm ready to vent my frustration, I stop and read my list of acceptance first. Then, I counted to 10 and accepted everything on this list. I give everything I have.
And it feels good. It's liberating.
I pin this list to my notes on my phone. I write it in my notebook. I have it on my laptop. I make sure I take this list with me everywhere and read it before I give in to frustration.
Again and again. Until I've truly accepted everything on the list.
I've been doing this for six months now, and it has been crucial in my journey to recover from burnout and live a happy life.
If you feel like it, do it, and you'll see that external things and people don't have as much power over you as you allow them to.
What frustrated or scared you is of less importance now.
And if you're like me, this is how you should end every list:
- There's nothing more likeable than being true to yourself. Yes, the one with the flaws and all.
- Confidence is attractive. Codependency isn't. Don't mix your co's.
If you try it out, please let me know how it went, and feel free to share some feedback. I'd love to know if it worked for you, too!
Happy living,
Maria
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