Everything I did make perfect sense, and I wasn't guilty of anything at all whatsoever.

My never-ending blaming game

I work as an accountant in a corporate company, not a job that I could brag about, not a job that I wake up every morning feeling excited about, and it is definitely not the job I would want to work for the rest of my life. But it wasn't my fault.

It was my parent's fault. Because they were the people who kept talking about getting a job that pays me well. They worried too much. They were afraid of me being suffered and miserable for not having a job. They watched me like hawks and only stopped after I landed a job.

I had a dream once. I wanted to be a writer. I loved reading and I fantasized about having my books read by thousands and thousands of people. I never did anything about it. But it wasn't my fault.

It was my siblings' fault. They laughed at me when I was a kid, when they saw my first ever art, which was a lousy song from a child who could barely write. That very incident in my early life was the reason I decided to give up and bury my dream at such a young age. It was also the reason that even though I suffered at work, I didn't understand why.

It was also God's fault. He didn't put me into a rich family so I could be born with a silver spoon in my mouth. No. He put me into a poor family from a developing country, so I was raised with bars and limits that were transferred to me from older people.

Because they've messed up my mind when I was so young and vulnerable, I grew up believing life was all about money, about getting a job with good pay, and to never do something extra.

I learned to give myself excuses and reasons that whatever good ideas in my head won't come out so well in real life, so that I could give up before trying, so that I wouldn't get hurt.

When I finally decided to man up and followed my dream, but I found myself missing my daily goals every day, it was because my job was too busy, I was tired or I just deserved to get some rest.

When I woke up in the morning just to hit the snooze button for tens of times, it was because of someone else's fault too.

Even when my pieces were rejected by some editors, it wasn't my fault. After all, I was a non-native English speaker anyway.

You see, for many years I've been blaming every mistakes and failure in all aspects of my life on other people. It even became a default mechanism in my head. If I messed up, it was someone else's fault.

I loved playing a victim

I hate to admit it. But I loved doing it. I loved putting the blame on someone else but me.

Because it was so much easier to play the blaming game than taking full responsibility for it.

It's easier to stay in the couch, watching TV with a bowl of snacks on top of my belly while complaining that the gym is too far and my apartment is too small for me to work out than doing some push-ups or going out for a run.

It's easier to eat a combo of burger and French fries and complaining I don't have time to cook than cooking.

It's easier to blame the environment I was on that didn't make me stay focused than turning off my phones, unplugging my headset and just do the job.

It's easier to skip my morning routine, stay in bed and sleep for a couple more hours than getting up and hitting my morning goal.

Deep down I always knew I was the one to blame, but I still made excuses for myself.

Because working is hard. And the thought of putting myself out there terrified me.

So I decided to stay inside my bubble, inside my comfort zone. But I refused to admit it was my choice. I made thousands of excuses and reasons why it was other people who pushed me into that decision.

One day I learned an interesting thing, that stopped me from being a crying baby completely.

No one has the duty to bring me any good in life. I am 100% in charge of my life. If my life is a disaster, it's my fault.

If my life is perfect, I will be the one who enjoys it. If my life is not perfect, I will be the one who suffers. No one else will. Therefore, no one else will try to work to make my life perfect for me.

I have to step up and be in charge of my life again.

Simply by stop saying "I can't".

That phrase was the ugliest phrase I've ever said. It weakened me. It hurt my feelings. It made me believe that I wasn't good enough. The more I said it, the lower self-esteem I had and the more loser-like I felt.

So I decided to give it up, and give up all of its cousins. They are "I don't think I can", "it's too hard for me", "I am not sure", "I am not ready"….

I made a list of its cousins, and the list became longer than I expected. But from then, they are off my dictionary.

That's how I made it all the way up to 60 days of my writing challenge, a challenge I made for myself to encourage me to write every day.

I had always delayed it, because "it was too hard", "I was too busy" and "I can't".

This time, I made a goal to write every day for 30 days.. And I refused to say "I can't". I just gave it my best shot.

I've written more than 60,000 words within 2 months. Not so bad for a non-native English speaker at all.

From then, I realized…

There is no excuse. It's my life, it's my responsibility, it's my fault, it's my victory, it's my win…

Everything in my life is all mine.

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