POLITICAL HUMOR

Halloween is creeping forward. People are stocking up on bags of candy. For trick-or-treaters? Hands off those Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! Hide them in your closet. Scary creatures are coming out. No, not your mother-in-law. We're not even talking vampires, witches, evil clowns, or zombies — or are we?

Ever wonder what our favorite Congress people would dress as for all Hallow's Eve?

Of course, Congress already has a grim reaper, aka Mitch McConnell.

Do we have a creature of the night in our midst? Not quite fangs, but he lies through his teeth. Adverse to sunlight and pale? He hides in the shadows, does that count? Count. Hah! Aversion to crosses? The supposed Catholic or is it Jew-ish? Is he a true vampire? He has a lot of aliases. No, he's just George Santos. But he does run away from people. Although reporters aren't wielding pitchforks.

And witches? Well, if you asked Donald Trump there are witch hunts every day in Congress.

Evil clown? Anyone think Marjorie Taylor Greene is a good representation? Cynical grin, the wicked laugh — minus the red nose and big shoes? Evil clowns scare children. Anyone see the video of her and David Hogg? Imagine Pennywise or more likely a cross between Pennywise and Bozo the Clown.

Zombie? Is Ron DeSantis a closeted zombie? He seems fascinated with zombie studies. Maybe there are some books he won't ban or advanced placement or college courses he will allow? Besides he keeps coming back and won't go away — a unique trait of a zombie. And wait is he eating someone's brain over there in the corner? No sorry. It's just cauliflower.

And then there's the ultimate scary creature.

He goes by many names — Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, evil one, the Devil. Donny? Sorry. He's shrewd. He tempts people. He's a liar, a thief, — stealing joy, hope, love, and health. A destroyer. All the qualities in an evildoer. Any other names come to mind?

Of course, we're talking about Matt Gaetz with a devilish grin.

Shrewd? He selfishly and cleverly defenestrated Kevin McCarthy from his position. With a Devil's bargain. McCarthy only lasted as Speaker for less than nine months.

Tombstone reads:

HERE LIES

Kevin McCarthy's Speakership Jan. 7, 2023 — Oct. 3, 2023

He wanted it really, really bad!

He tempts people. Hey, Kev.! Want to be Speaker?

He's a liar. Politician. Already discussed. Yada, yada.

Thief? — stealing joy, hope, love, and health. Don't think Kev is very joyous or hopeful. Gaetz's Florida constituents seem to love him. No one else does. Not to mention all the sexual allegations out there. Health? He wanted to abolish the EPA. And applauded the former Pres. Trump for withdrawing from the Paris climate accord.

A destroyer. He destroyed House Republicans. Maybe premature, but they did go on vacation without a Speaker.

I could go on about Gaetz's qualification for the perfect devil, but I think you get it. But if you have more, leave your thoughts in the comments.

Another creepy character lurking the halls of Congress . . .

A Scarecrow is generally not scary but characteristically needs a brain, ala Wizard of the Oz. It's supposedly kind, considerate, and honest but clumsy and uncoordinated. Anyone screaming Kevin McCarthy? Leaving the honesty part on the floor. Again, politician. He can fake honesty. McCarthy nails clumsy and uncoordinated. Did we mention how he handled the whole Speaker gig? And anyone think McCarthy isn't desperate for a brain?

Scream's Ghostface is stealthy, speedy, good at hiding, and impervious to harm. That voice! Who likes making phone calls? Lindsey Graham! Hiding from a subpoena behind a black suit and white pasty face. Stealthy and speedy avoiding arrest warrants from Russia.

Christian nationalist Lauren Boebert fits the scary nun costume to a tee. Of course, with an added accessory of an AR-15 strap. This pistol-packer never goes anywhere without her trusty sidekicks.

Chuck Grassley, now the oldest member of Congress, could pretend to be a corpse. Just make sure if anyone sees him lying down or sitting very still to check his pulse.

My apologies if it's too soon after Dianne Feinstein.

Skinny Alexandria Ocasio Cortez can roam the halls as a skeleton. Emblazoned of course, with "Tax The Rich" in fire-engine red across her back.

A dead and decaying mummy. Who could it be under those bandages? McConnell or Grassley? No. They've already been unmasked. Is that you, Teddy? He likes to hide. Cancun, anyone? The grunting and groaning are a bit too much. Then we realized. He's trying to recite Green Eggs and Ham. He's getting angry because no one understands what he is saying. Nothing new there.

Time to turn this Halloween party over to the kids or at least some younger ghouls. Somebody put Chuck back in his box! And make sure Ronny finds his home!

What scary Halloween creatures are your favorite politicians turning into this All Hallows Eve? Themselves? Leave your ideas in the comments.

Happy Halloween!