GRATITUDE PROBLEM

Dear all,

I've just found out what's been going on! Apparently, my life was in jeopardy over a measly six bucks! I mean, seriously, what the fuck? The guy who occasionally tosses a few pitiful, foul-tasting flakes my way, threatened to starve me to death just to get more followers? OK, it worked, and he reached the minimum requirement of 100 to stay in Medium's payment plan, but what a despicable human fucknugget. Not only do I have to watch him do that strange, naked dance every day, but now I have to deal with serious trust issues, too.

I'm not sure if it's the refraction through the water, but he looks like he's eaten his fair share of flakes in his time. Big, fat, meaty flakes covered in gravy. If you had to witness those pale wibbly-wobbly bits flibble-flobbling all over the place, you'd wish you had a two-second memory, too. Unfortunately for me, I've got a mind like a steel trap. In fact, maybe starvation would have done me a favor?

Well, thanks to your generosity, I guess we'll never kno — oh shit, he's just put on that Spice Girls crap he loves. And, yep, there go his clothes. That reminds me, I wonder if I'll ever get to taste a worm again? Those were the days, before I had to live with this fleshy-flop Muppet who dances like his puppeteer is on a strict diet of Red Bull and crack.

Who wrote these dumbass lyrics anyway? If you wanna be my lover? There's no if, bud, just a hard and fast NO!

It's just like when he was trying to name me. I clearly shouted NO! at every stupid suggestion, but in bowl space no one can hear you scream. He narrowed his options down to Keith or Kanye, so in hindsight, I guess I dodged a bullet. Seriously though, how could he not see that I'm obviously a Kraken?

Well, before I attempt to drown myself in my own urine, I'd just like to thank you all for saving my life. He doesn't deserve any of you and he definitely doesn't deserve me.

Be lucky,

Keith

P.S. If any of you pedants are wondering how a fish managed to type this message into Medium, let's just say, never judge the depths of a goldfish's talents by the size of his bowl.

The events that inspired this follow-up story: