HUMOR

I went to IKEA the other day and was almost immediately reminded of why I don't go to IKEA.

But I needed a shower curtain, and because I'm very particular about my shower curtains I reluctantly set out to get this over with. As fast as my legs could carry me in and out again.

I hate almost everything about IKEA. The loud crowds, the raving children, the arguing newlyweds, the sheer size of the building, the terrible emergency room halogen spotlights. The impossible quest for finding things quickly. All in all a complete and utter sensory overload.

Here is the thing. I know how IKEA purposely builds its stores in a way that will likely cause you to get lost — it's a labyrinth. It's mischievous marketing and it works. And it even works if you don't want it to work! ARGH.

So I went in there with a sense of unswerving determination. I was going to get exactly one shower curtain and then that should be it. I would not stop anywhere, would not look at anything. Grab the shower curtain and then run! That was my plan.

I am such a fool. Why did I ever think this would work? This NEVER works.

I went in and walked as fast as I possibly could. Unfortunately though I'm having trouble walking with my eyes closed so they were open and those eyes of mine started seeing so many nice things. Aww, succulents! Aww, cookies! Before I knew what was happening my hand had already grabbed one of those happy yellow baskets.

I hated my hand for doing that, but my brain had already lost that battle. Not a chance.

Hej IKEA, you evil Swedish masterminds, you've outsmarted me AGAIN!

So while I got lost in that labyrinth the basket was quickly filled with a lot of things that were clearly not a shower curtain.

I left the store with:

• two (!) shower curtains (yes, I know, but they were on sale)
• a toilet brush (so random)
• five (!) succulents (although I'm at war with an evil fruit fly population at home and did NOT want any more plants)
• two packs of cookies (because you can never have enough cookies, right?)
• two bars of Swedish berry chocolate (don't judge me, the packaging looked super hipster fancy)
• one glass of horseradish (just whyyyyyyyy? I don't even eat this…)
• one dustpan and brush set (just like cookies you can never have enough dustpans and brushes)
• one hundred napkins (because COVID means that we're having a gazillion people over every week so we better make sure we won't run out of napkins for the next ten years)

I left the store with a super heavy blue plastic bag and dragged myself to the closest bus stop. Yeah no, I didn't go by car. I mean why would I have taken my car if it was just one shower curtain that I needed?

I would love to say that I've learned from this but I clearly never learn from my IKEA shopping sprees.

You win, IKEA!