SATIRE

Local writer Kevin Hayes recently came back from an expensive three-year trip traveling across the world. He maxed out all his credit cards and nearly got into trouble with multiple foreign governments. While Hayes might have looked like his life was falling apart on the outside, Hayes was actually very confident.

"I was doing research," Hayes said. "I don't know if you know, but I'm going to write the next New York Times best-selling novel."

Before Hayes did his "research" traveling the world, he says that he genuinely had no time to write. He was working a full-time job to pay off all his debts and credit card bills. But Hayes was still adamant that he would write a new best-selling novel, despite not having written anything in ten years.

"This is all part of the plan," Hayes said. "I need, you know, life experience to write my best-selling novel!"

Hayes then rationalized that he'd put his novel off for ten years by the fact that he was procrastinating. After all,

"Writing is really hard work," Hayes said. "And I'm going to be a really great writer one day — it's just that Netflix is so addicting!"

Hayes had no illusions over his competence as a writer. After all, in high school, he won a journalism award that showed he was an incredibly good writer and reporter. One day, he was going to turn water into wine and walk on water. One day, he was going to resurrect the dead and even come back from the dead.

For now, Hayes said, like he's been telling everybody the last 10 years, he's going to be the next Hemingway or Fitzgerald.

"I'm just waiting for the right time," Hayes said.

Thank you to Nikki Kay for inspiration