Good morning.
You look tired.
Would you like some of the new coffee we just got in the break room? It's organic.
Oh, you stopped drinking coffee.
That's okay. I am an understanding boss who wouldn't get mad at that, or anything else for that matter.
I heard about the troubles between you and Melissa, your girlfriend. I hope you guys work out your differences.
That's probably enough bad things happening in your life right now.
If you were to have anything bad happen related to work, like being terminated, that would just be way too much on your plate, wouldn't it?
I've been there.
You know, I was looking at your salary lately and thought it seemed awfully low.
Do you want a substantial raise? Maybe so much that it would literally quell every daily financial-related stress you have?
Good. I was worried you might decline.
I had a hunch you were getting slightly bothered by the measly amount we pay you and the general lack of regard we have for you as an individual.
I'm glad we talked about that.
I also wanted to take a moment to say that you belong here and you're doing great. Just in case you're constantly worrying about not being good enough or feeling like an imposter every time you do or say anything for this job.
Also, you're right about everything you've ever guessed about me being a miserable asshole in my personal life and violently projecting it onto everyone in the office. That's why I yell at you guys so much! Sorry about that.
By the way, I can't believe you used to be a playwright and stage director. Do you think there's any chance you'll get back to that at any point in your lifetime? Maybe the company will transition to 4-day work weeks so that everyone can have a little bit of their personal lives back in order to foster the dreams that died as a direct result of the monopolistic grip our corporation has taken over their available schedules.
Work-life balance!
I have to admit, before this conversation, I never once had a moment of self reflection or even general perspective that this job, or any other job, may not matter in the grand scheme of things, and yet, I act as though every misstep, deadline, or zoom touch-base is of the utmost gravity. That was pretty insane of me. I apologize.
Jesus Christ, the more we talk, the more I realize you are a wonderful, irreplaceable employee and even better person. Sorry! I accidentally called you Jesus Christ because you're such a goddamn rockstar.
I promise from the bottom of my heart that I will never fire you. I could never do such a thing, especially after getting to know you so well during this conversation and also because your girlfriend, Melissa, with whom you're currently fighting, is probably cheating on you and definitely just low-key told you that she's pregnant before you came into work today, which was a huge fucking bomb to drop considering everything going on, most especially because last week you two had just seriously discussed the fact that kids are probably a no-go for both of you.
Anyway, why don't you take the rest of the day off? Let's get a long weekend under our belts and come back Monday with wide eyes, fresh minds, and the assurance that we have a meaningful job as a comforting foundation for stability in our lives.
I love you.
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