I know, Tinder supposedly is investing in background checks, but how thorough can they be? I hooked up with a guy through Tinder who had three tear-drop tattoos on his cheek.

"Triple homicide?" I texted him after I saw his pic.

"Nunya," he said.

He had me at "nuh."

But seriously, the Tinder guy coming to Starbucks for your meet n' greet could be a real psycho, face it.

But never mind, nursery rhyme fortune tellers to the rescue! Get his date of birth, google that date, and you can find out what day of the week he was born on. And that's all you need to know to find out if he's date-worthy.

Alright, you hooked me.

Which day of the week is OK to date, which is right out, and which is the very best? First, here's the nursery rhyme:

Monday's child is fair of face Tuesday's child is full of grace Wednesday's child is full of woe Thursday's child has far to go Friday's child is loving and giving Saturday's child works hard for his living And the child that is born on the Sabbath day Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

Let me break it down for you. Let's go through each one and see if they're worth the price of a grande latte.

Monday's Child, Fair of Face.

I don't know about you, but I need to be the cute one in the relationship. Definitely a no.

Plus, everybody knows good-looking guys are fuck boys. And narcissistic. I mean, look at Ted Bundy. He was fair of face but he was a monster.

You don't want to date Ted Bundy, do you?

Next.

Tuesday's Child, Full of Grace.

Sorry, he's probably gay. Straight guys have no grace at all. They klutz around town, two left feet. Thud, thud, thud, you hear them heading your way. That's what you want in a date. You don't want someone floating on the air towards you.

If he's not gay and graceful, then it must mean he likes to say grace. That's fine, for a holiday meal. but I dated this Tuesday's child, he wanted to say grace before breakfast. I mean, come on. I'm having coffee and half a piece of toast here — I have to thank God for this? Sorry, I'm not that grateful for this shitty coffee. And the bread is stale. I thought, throw it in the toaster, maybe I won't notice — I noticed!

Next!

Wednesday's Child, Full of Woe

This guy's just depressing. I got enough woe of my own, I don't need my date to be piling on more woe. You ever meet a guy whose glass is always half empty? Wednesday's glass has a big hole in it, that's how empty and woeful he is.

I'm not saying I want someone with rose-colored glasses.

I'm saying woe is he who wants to bitch and moan at Starbucks for our meet n' greet. It's gotta be all good. "Yum, this Frappuccino rocks!" That's what I want to hear, and trust me, that's a sentence never uttered by any Wednesday's child ever. You know why? Nothing rocks these guys. "You won the jackpot!" "Yeah, but it wasn't the triple jackpot."

Puhlease!

Thursday's Child, Has Far to Go

Long-distance relationships? Forget it. You know why? Phone sex. I hate it. "What are you wearing?" "I don't know. A shirt. Why?" "Take it off?" "Go fuck yourself." "That's what I am doing." Oh.

I just don't get the attraction. I can pleasure myself by myself. Why do I need to be holding a phone?

Forget it.

Friday's Child, Loving and Giving

Yeah, I know this guy. He always wants to go down on you. Why? Because, he's insecure. He's not even sure if he can get a hard-on. He's just buying time, don't you realize that? He's got like fifteen minutes to get erect if he goes down on you.

I like I guy who doesn't go down on you for like the first month. He just jackhammers you like you're a sidewalk. No, he might not be loving and giving, but he's not totally insecure either. People-pleasers? They get on my nerves.

Next.

Saturday's Child, Works Hard for a Living

Alright, this guy I like. He's always at work. Leaves me alone. Doesn't want to "spend the whole day with me." Yuck. And while he's at work? I'll meet my gay friend (from above, Tuesday's graceful gay). We'll have lunch downtown and go shopping drunk — that's what I like to do with him. Who knows what I'll buy? It's always a surprise the next morning — but no worries, my husband works like shit to provide this lifestyle that I've become accustomed to. Yay Saturday! Love ya, honey!

Sunday's Child, Bonnie, Blithe, Good and Gay.

Oh gosh, another gay date! That's OK! He can join Tuesday and me for lunch. We'll teach him how to shop drunk. It's easy, Sunday's child, you just stumble into an overpriced boutique and throw your credit card at something fabulous!

Oh crap, what if Sunday's Child hooks up with Tuesday's Child? Then I'm left out, all alone at home, no one to hang out with.

What does a girl do with herself then?

Call up that Thursday guy and ask him what he's wearing?

And Don't Forget, the Clock is Ticking, Ladies

Every year another bunch of awesome Saturday guys gets swooped up and taken off the market. Yeah, the best ones are already taken. The only Saturdays I meet nowadays work hard for a living but they don't get paid shit.

I met a Monday guy, fair of face. Yeah, he had a melatonin deficiency.

This Friday guy I dated was loving and giving — he loved to give me a hard time.

I met a Sunday's child who was only gay in the "happy" sense. And he was all the other things. Bonnie, blithe and good, too.

Good for nothing, I mean.

My luck!

Spends all my money and then looks at me with that expression.

"What are you lookin' so god damn bonnie and blithe about?" I snapped. "Hit the road."

Stupid days of the week! I'm sick of you!