I feel like everyone is searching for the key to the mystery box that provides the answer to why people are drawn to avoidants.

You feel like you fell for a trap, and if you had the clarity at the time, you would have dodged that bullet at all costs.

To some degree, I can hear you and sympathize with that notion. There is a flip side to it all, however.

I hear you. We all retrospectively view our lives through the lens of what we think would have been if we had lived mistake-free, never gone through heartbreak, and had a crystal ball with all the answers.

When we look back, it becomes triggering and angering because you hopefully know what your needs, boundaries, and non-negotiables are. The fact that we didn't enforce them can exacerbate the situation.

Throughout my coaching career, I have heard every curse word under the moon when my clients are reliving their story, but there is something you're missing in the recap.

We have to understand why we are drawn to people rather than throwing a fit over "falling for the tricks."

The truth is that you didn't fall for anything. It is a hard pill to swallow, but you rarely have an intentionally malicious partner. You just don't know what led to this outcome.

Let's dig in.

Lucky Charm

One "trap" you fell for was the avoidant personality.

You might think you're the only one who "fell for it," but avoidants are calm, easy-going, confident, and emotionally steady on the surface.

It is called trait admiration. At first, you are drawn into their gravitational pull because they display traits and characteristics you find difficult to show in yourself.

Let me guess. You might be someone who likes to plan, think deeply, and let your emotions hit you when they arrive.

Well, your avoidant partner is easygoing, goes with the flow, and can seemingly seem unbothered.

It feels admirable at first, but then the tables turn, and you feel a resistance to operating in a completely different sequence.

That resistance you feel is the predefined middle ground that wasn't established in the power struggle phase of a relationship (after the honeymoon phase).

Now, it feels like you are pulling the rug from underneath the avoidant when you try and establish ground rules later on.

Poof, now you're stuck in a stalemate with your partner, and somehow you feel guilty, needy, or selfish for it.

It feels like you can reverse course once you've got to this point.

Hourglass

Have you ever played one of those games where you turn the hourglass, and when it's your turn, it runs out immediately while your opponent has ages to go?

When you're working with an avoidant, it feels like you're on their clock, and seemingly have no clue when the dial is out, and you can rush their process.

There are keywords in that sentence you might have missed; their process.

By now, you know avoidants are slow to the full commitment that you want in your relationship.

It feels like a slap in the face.

There's a piece here that we need to unwrap.

Avoidants are slow to build trust. Well, thanks, Tunde, that's the most obvious thing you've ever said.

Not so fast. Avoidants are slow to trust themselves, and that is where their struggle to open up, lead the progress of the relationship, and communicate with you comes from.

You think that they're fully aware and want to do anything to get you out of their space as soon as possible, while they are so unsure and constantly questioning things that they don't know how to communicate, and it slows the dynamic and leads it into the grey area.

Now, when you question the grey area, you feel like you are pushing and prodding, but on the backend, resentment is building.

Peace

Do you want to know the one thing that is the most commonly heard phrase among those who are in relationships with an avoidant?

"The highs are so high, but the lows are terrible."

Again, this isn't an intentional trap, but one os the avoidant triggers is volatility in their relationships.

What's the result? Your avoidant partner is doing whatever they can to keep the harmony alive, including moving past the tough moments as fast as possible.

Your partner is not trying to intentionally hurt you, although I can completely understand why it feels that way.

The tough moments are when your partner is feeling overwhelmed, although avoidant people don't visibly show when they are overwhelmed. Yup, the retreat to isolation instead.

Those are the moments when you feel the most alone and abandoned in the relationship.

A few days or weeks go by, and you finally talk, and boom, we are on the top of the peak of happiness once again.

The wrap up

I bet you're wondering what the point of ripping those Band-Aids and scratching at those scabs was all about.

There are a vast number of opportunities to confront or engage with these actions before they balloon into something you can't control.

• Your partner has to know what your boundaries are before the relationship progresses to anything exclusive. You cannot go along with what feels comfortable for them without establishing your needs too. If you try to play catch-up, your partner has "an out." After all, "you never said any of this until now."
• All times must be defined. "I will get to it," "let's talk about it later," "it's not that big of a deal right now," is not acceptable. You have to tie avoidant to a timetable, or they will never proactively define it themselves. Yes, I mean down to the day and hour.
• You cannot allow space for he seesaw of highs and lows. Insert a gap where you are practicing new behaviors, and meeting actionable needs to ensure your partner knows what is missing in the relationship. You can't allow someone to walk out the door and reopen it and walk in whenever they want.

I know, why do any of this? If I ever meet another avoidant, I am going to run away as fast as possible. I'm going to be brutally honest with you here. Most of you don't know how to recognize one.

Remember what we said before. It is about knowing how to react and having a plan.

If you're ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it's a good fit, click here or email me at bcawosika@gmail.com to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.