Maybe you've already heard that psychiatry has come up with an answer for how long the grieving process should take. As for me, I just found out today that as of March 2022, the DSM-5 now includes an entry for "prolonged grief disorder," which can occur when someone close to the bereaved person has died within at least 12 months, or 6 months for children and adolescents.

And while I think it's great that those who can't cope can now get the medical help they may need, critics argue (and have argued, which is why the listing has only recently been added) that adding grief to the DSM-5 "risks pathologizing a fundamental aspect of the human experience."

In addition to aligning grief with a mental health disorder, it puts even more pressure on those grieving to hurry up and get over it already rather than taking what time they need. Especially when dealing with the profound grief of losing a loved one, "within a year" doesn't sound especially long.

In her Medium article, Death Has No Timeline, Stacey Lynn Klug states it beautifully: Grief is a journey, a painful one but a journey nonetheless. No one can tell anyone else the path to take while healing.

It can be difficult enough all ready to take the time we need when our overall culture of quick fixes has little patience for slow-moving processes. Especially if our grief is based on something more abstract like the death of a dream, for instance. Or something that others may not understand, like the loss of a pet.

This means that whatever the cause of your grief, you will have to be the one to give yourself permission to slow down — even as others pressure you to move forward. I know this is hard, but it is also essential.

Allowing yourself the time to process this drastic change in your life will eventually give you clarity and momentum to make the necessary adjustment. So, stay committed to returning to "business as usual" but at a speed that feels sustainable for you.

Do only what you can. Hold off on what doesn't yet feel doable.

Grief is Stressful!

Another reason it is so essential to slow down is that there is nothing about grief that isn't stressful, which means that the habits you usually adopt to cope with stress will be amplified as you navigate your grief. For instance, you will be more likely to snap at people, spiral into hopelessness, over- (eat, drink, shop, etc.), or do whatever it is that you already tend to do in stressful situations.

Slowing down will help you better recognize and deal with your stress and its triggers through self-awareness. Pay attention to things like the signals your body is giving you. Where in your body are you holding tension? Can you take a moment to practice breathing and releasing that tension?

Notice what kinds of interactions trigger you. Can you prepare for these interactions by giving yourself some emotional space?

And if you're feeling pressured to make decisions before you're ready, keep in mind that sometimes doing nothing at all is the best course of action.

I think of grief almost as an uninvited guest in your home that you can't push out the door with force — but must instead tend to until it's ready to leave of its own volition. You can't overcome it with the sheer force of will, but you can influence the power it has over your mind and body.

And the good news is that if you're following my six steps to move forward gently, or whatever practice you find works to develop mindfulness and compassion for yourself, then you're far less likely to fall into the APA's new designation. If you can acknowledge that you feel pain and begin to separate out the experience of that authentic pain from your reactive emotions, you are well on the road to processing your grief in a healthy way.

Take good care : )

Meg

P.S. You can check out my free Practical Pathways to Inner Peace course here.
I'd also like to leave you with a NYT recommendation for a couple books that address incorrect assumptions about how grief should work and how long it should last.

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