SATIRE | HUMOR | KEANUVERSE
I didn't set out to become the top writer in the Keanuverse. It just happened. One day I was a humble writer describing the fag end of future generations fucked by the political system and the next minute…
The next minute I got a glimpse of the greatest todger on the planet.
My life changed that day. It was even better than John Cusack retweeting my tweet. I mean, John Cusack is a fucking legend and I'm a huge fan ever since 'The Sure Thing' (I'm sorry, but Sixteen Candles is a fucking joke), but he's never showed me his weener. Not like Keanu has.
Truth is, neither did Keanu. I stole a glance. Copped a look as he peed beside me at a urinal. I was so shocked but what I saw, I immediately fainted. I awoke to the warm embrace of Keanu cradling my head. He was the perfect gentleman. I never forgot the incident, but I never broadcast what had occurred that hot July day. The only time I mentioned Keanu's dick was at a teacher's party and it got real awkward real fast.
It wasn't until Smillew Rahcuef the mischievous talked up his status as Top Writer on Medium in the Keanu Reeves category that I felt moved to tell my story. I had seen Keanu's penis. What had Smillew ever done to deserve such an accolade?
It didn't take me long to write about my encounter with Keanu's manhood. The memories came flooding back to me as if it were yesterday. Me and Keanu, alone, peeing as one, the stench of urine filling our nostrils, the arc of triumph splashing on the white porcelain, his hand barely covering his johnson, all before I fell spectacularly onto the floor.
Now it's finally time to talk more smack about Keanu's schlong. As Nicolas Cole recently said in a tweet, "double-down on your winners".
Two months later my Keanu Reeves story continues to amass a large viewing. It seems everybody is fascinated by Keanu's dick. It's a story, like Keanu's wand of pleasure, that kept on growing and growing. To say it wasn't long (it was!) before it paid for 1/10th of my new deck would be a lie. The article spread across the globe planting Keanu seeds wherever it was read.
Interviews arrived from every country. The sons and daughters of Hawaii took great delight knowing their native child was well-endowed and couldn't help broadcast my story. The British were titillated. The Russians shrugged and in China, my story was banned in twelve provinces.
I wish to thank Keanu Reeves. I owe him so much. The merest of glimpses have enriched my life beyond my dreams. I'm often stopped for an autograph. People want to take selfies with me. I'm asked all the time, "what was it like? Did you touch it? What color was it?"
I tell them,
"Yes. Yes, it's everything you imagine it would be. Yes. It's a penis that is so marvelous that future cults will grow and worship his manhood. Yes. Keanu's penis was larger than life itself."
I know. I am the man who saw Keanu's penis.
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