Relationships

There was a time, during the first year or so after my marriage ended, when I took any opportunity to let my ex know exactly what I thought of him. After all, he had chosen the 27-year-old from the office over his daughters and me, 3 weeks after I had given birth to his youngest.

I was mad. Really mad.

I was also letting out everything I hadn't said during our relationship for the sake of avoiding yet another argument. Once we were over, I didn't care about that anymore. I wanted to hurt him with my words as much as he had hurt me with his actions. I wanted to purge all the pain inside me and show him what it's like to feel completely devalued.

I'll be honest, I don't feel regret this time. I feel like it played an important role in my healing journey. But now, 4 years on, my perspective is different. For a start, I've grown tired of conflict with my ex. Honestly, I just don't care enough about him anymore to engage in that way. Additionally, we have children together so there's an element of parallel parenting that needs to occur, and this is much easier on us all if we can just get along.

But mostly, the reason I no longer say everything I'm thinking to my ex-husband is because I've learned to protect my peace. While I have no desire to ever be particularly close with him again, our interactions are regular enough for me to make a conscious choice about how I handle them. It can be hard to bite my tongue at times — he often says some outrageously insensitive things — but it's just not worth letting in the negative energy a smarmy retort would take.

How I protect my peace — a case study

It goes something like this.

He says: "I'm so exhausted. The kids are so demanding, and they had me up so early this morning. You know how hard it is for me to function on low sleep."

I want to say: "You're exhausted?? You've literally just described parenting — how are you still not getting that you are describing the experience of millions of people all over the world? Why on earth do you think it's that much harder for you? Do you know who is exhausted? Me! You left me alone with a toddler and a 3-week old baby to be with your new girlfriend. I was recovering from childbirth, single parenting, and dealing with a broken heart. I'm still fucking exhausted from all of that."

I actually say: "Yeah, it's rough."

He says: "I'm sorry I missed the appointment/meeting at the kids' school. I'm pulling 14-hour days at work and I'm beyond stretched, I can't even check my schedule most days".

I want to say: "No, you're not too busy. You're too self-absorbed. You're the one who has made a huge deal about being included in meetings and appointments relating to the kids, and you just need to show up. You have one job. And you can't even do that. Because you don't want to be involved — you just want to look like an engaged parent."

I actually say: "No worries, here's a summary of what was covered".

He says: "How are the girls? I really miss them."

I want to say: "Do you though? If you actually miss them so much, you could opt to spend more actual time with them. You could ask for more days, or you could stop calling in 'sick' to the days you do have scheduled with them. Or you could remember to FaceTime our daughter on her first day of pre-school, or show up to the school event like you promised. I don't think you miss them that much. I think if you did, you would take action to rectify that"

I actually say: "Yep, they're good. They miss you too."

So, as you can see, there's a big difference between what I think and what I say. Initially, it took a lot of restraint to choose the lighter option in these scenarios (and they come up a lot). But after a couple of years of practice, it's not so hard. It's easier than the conflict letting rip on him would create. I still think these angry thoughts, and am now working on that part, too. Eventually, I'd like to be completely energetically neutral toward this man.

But, for now, I'll keep my real thoughts to the pages of my journal and for the occasional venting session with friends over a glass of wine. My peace is worth protecting.