I'm bleeding. Again. This is the second time in the last couple of weeks, a fun new present… gifted to me by endometriosis.

If there are any men still reading this, kudos. Right on. You clearly have a female partner, female offspring, or have a friend in the bleeding half of the population. More men should stop being pussies when it comes to menstruation — so congrats on being a good human. Ok, back to the lady stuff.

After waking up, again, to a scenario looking like the horse-head scene from The Godfather I got out of bed and ran with my legs closed to the bathroom. Motherfucker, son-of-a-bitch I'm out of tampons (again). Fuck. Well, wadded-up toilet paper it is. We've all done it.

This incessant running out of tampons has finally convinced me to drag my bleeding, late-to-the-game ass to the pharmacy to get the menstrual cup. The 'Diva' Cup.

It is aptly named. It is a bit of a diva.

The Diva Cup is a Bit of a Bitch

This Gumby-flexibility-having little rubber cup is meant to be shoved up your hoohah. So that's what I did. I folded the top like bloody origami and put it up there. When I let go I swear I heard a little suction noise as it hoovered onto my cervix.

There, it's in.

It's not very comfortable. But then again neither was a tampon the first time.

The little plastic tip is hanging out my lady bits and I feel it as I walk. It feels a little like a fallopian tube decided to pop off and take a little peek out to the outside world. It's not painful, but not ideal. Who designs these things? Is it in right? How do you know when it's full — does it ding like a gas station pump?

My cramps started immediately after shoving it up there… ahem, insertion. However, that could be purely coincidental. Since those grumpy little fuckers come and go like they own the place. Or the suctioning could have summoned the little bastards to come to cramp my style.

She's a Messy Bitch

When I heard and felt that little rubber goblet suction to me I questioned how the hell one is supposed to get it out. So I fished the directions out of the bin (the same way I do with every frozen pizza box, to check what temperature to cook it at… every time) and read more.

Turns out you have to rummage around in there, then squeeze it, to deactivate the seal. So after rummaging around down there, like a box of old books at a yard sale, I got it. I squeezed it and pulled it out. Then I looked at it with the same perversion we humans have when we look at our poop before we flush. 'I made that'.

It was kind of interesting to see how much of the cup you've filled up. As a woman, you never really get a picture of the volume of the wretched evil painfully leaving your body. Half a (regular-flow-sized) rubber goblet full, in case you were wondering. I thought I'd include that since you've made it this far in what many would consider a fairly gross article.

Not Practical

I get the point of the Diva Cup. It creates less waste, saves on the tampon budget, it's reusable, blah blah. Also apparently you can have sex with it in (something I don't plan on trying anytime in the near future). Unfortunately, you can still get toxic shock syndrome, like with tampons. That sucks as much as the cup itself does.

So — will I use it?

In the privacy of my own home, I think I'll use it. It'll save some sheets for sure. But rummaging around, disposing of the contents, washing it, and replacing it in a public bathroom sounds like something I wouldn't wish on an enemy.

I'll give the goo goblet a go, to see if it gets better. But I think I'll stick to the good ole cotton plugs for now.

Thank you for making it this far. I'm glad I could keep you suctioned to the screen this long.