If you're reading this, I will safely assume you're highly attracted to someone. Maybe there's something magnetic about them you can't put your finger on. Or perhaps you find yourself so enamoured by certain qualities you believe they have. Either way, you know something is happening and can't quite figure out what it is.

Experiencing rapid and intense attraction can be both confusing and overwhelming. It's a whirlwind experience full of intoxicating highs. You admire the person for things you don't often see in others, and you love to be around them. But equally, there are often moments of self-doubt. You might question if what you feel is real or fantasy, especially when others around you don't see what you see.

So what do you do?

How can you tell the difference between genuine attraction and fantasy?

The answer lies in understanding a key psychological concept — Projection.

What is Projection?

I define projection as follows:

The perceptions of ourselves that we have yet to take ownership of, and thus place on others around us.

You might consider this your shadow — any part of yourself, positive or challenging, that is not integrated or accepted with your nature.

There are three main categories of projection to be aware of:

1. Clear — those who we idealise and believe we cannot be like
2. Smoking — those with whom we have difficulty or hope we are not like
3. Split — those who admire and yet experience fear or constriction in their presence

Whenever you experience some energetic charge with a person or situation, you can be confident that some kind of projection is at play.

How Projection Can Show Up in Dating

As a relationship coach, I've coached 100s of clients through matters of the heart. Without a doubt, one of the most consistent themes I see is clients unconsciously throwing their qualities onto another person and idealising them for it.

Heck, I know the feeling — I did it myself for years!

Before meeting my wife, I went through a series of these chaotic experiences. I'd meet someone and almost instantly fall head over heels.

In one intense infatuation, I became utterly obsessed with a girl I thought to be entrepreneurial, intelligent, and talented. For me, it wasn't a regular crush. I thought I was in love, but my friends would call me crazy. I was sure about what I saw. This was a person like no other, and nobody could tell me otherwise. Notions of "the one" would fly through my head, and I even spent time diving into the Twin-Flame theory based on the intensity of my emotions.

I constantly told this girl how talented and driven she was. I spent hours pleading with her to follow her entrepreneurial spirit.

Little did I know — I was talking to myself. The words were not for her; they were for me.

She didn't have any of these ambitions I put on her — but she also didn't want to admit that. My refusal to acknowledge my qualities created an unfair fantasy and kept me from taking responsibility for myself. I made an image of her that I wanted to be true and fell in love with it. Over time, the illusion faded, and I was left distraught.

You might wonder what keeps the illusion alive. It's two things:

1. We fill gaps of information with our imagination (you don't need objective evidence of their qualities, you can create it)
2. The other person often loves the attention and doesn't want it to stop (and who can blame them?)

It wasn't until years later that I finally understood this, and having that realisation changed my life. It allowed me to reclaim lost parts of myself and stop creating fantasies. It led to me finding love, transforming my body, and leaving a six-figure job in banking to start my dream coaching business.

Perhaps you can relate to my story. Maybe you can see yourself in elements of what I went through. The point is that projection is real and might prevent you from reaching your potential. What you're feeling now might be real or a sign of inner work that needs to be done.

With that in mind, let's cover the stages of projection so you can truly put your mind at ease.

The Five Stages of Projection

I credit this model to Robert Bly, the award-winning American poet. Having studied the work of experts, Bly created the five stages of projection to understand what we go through.

Stage 1 — Finding the perfect host to hold your projection

First, there is some quality inside you that you have not fully taken ownership of. It could be leadership, intelligence, beauty, talent, or even the ability to express an emotion (such as anger).

Because we resist the idea that this is a part of us, we find a person who can hold this outside of ourselves. In other words, we throw it onto someone who appears to have that quality. For example, if it's ambition you have disowned in yourself, you will see this person as highly ambitious and view every action they take through that lens.

Unfortunately, in many cases, you don't see this person for who they are, but rather who you want them to be. As I said before:

We fill gaps of information with our imagination — until reality hits back.

Stage 2 — The projection begins to slip

For a while, the person adheres to this ideal you have created for them. But over time, you start to see counter-evidence to the image you hold. Perhaps the person you thought was ambitious doesn't take action and spends more time discussing their goals. Or maybe the crush you thought could do no wrong does something even you don't agree with.

You begin to see that your image isn't reality at this stage. Regardless, you may rationalise these signs or make excuses for that person.

Stage 3 — The projection crumbles

The illusion entirely collapses as you finally see this person as something beyond your projection. You have witnessed enough evidence to realise that much of what you saw in them was created in your imagination. You acknowledge that they are human, just like you, not the god-like figure you had created in your mind.

During this moment of realisation, it is common to find yourself disappointed, angry and even judgemental — all natural emotions based on the experience you have been through.

After stages 1–3, you are left with two choices:

1. Move to stage 4
2. Return to the beginning and find another person to hold the projection for you

Many repeat stages 1–3 for years, attracting the same person repeatedly. This happens when you are unwilling to take ownership of your projected qualities and integrate them into yourself.

Stage 4 — Recognition

If you decide to do the work, the next step is recognition. You must first recognise that you put your stuff on someone else and get clear on what qualities they were.

All those years ago, I had to accept my entrepreneurial spirit and quit running from my fear of failure. My projection protected me from taking action. I wanted someone else to do it first and show me it was safe.

This stage can trigger a lot of emotions. On the one hand, you've rediscovered a lost part of yourself waiting to come home. On another, you are forced to confront the fact you didn't see a person for who they are, but who you wanted them to be. We may have put undue pressure on them or unintentionally made them feel a certain way about themselves.

Stage 5 — Compassion and Integration

The final stage is focused on two elements:

1. Compassion — You must first have compassion for yourself and others who have been through this experience. It's essential to forgive yourself because all humans tend to pass their shadow onto others.
2. Integration — You must take responsibility for your projection and begin to model whatever you placed outside of yourself.

In short, forgive yourself and start living those qualities in your life.

How To Apply This To Yourself

Now you understand the projection model, it's time to see if this applies to your situation.

Some questions to consider:

• What am I so attracted to in this person?
• How do I know they have this quality?
• Could I have this in myself and continually disown it?

If you have any doubts, run yourself through the five stages. Do you find yourself relating? Is there inner work you need to do, or is what you're feeling separate from all of that?

I've run many clients through this process. Often they are surprised at how much they have made up about another person and how the qualities they admire most exist within them. Be open to the idea that you're much more awesome than you think. You might like who you become.

A Final Caution

I hope reading this has given you a new way of thinking about relationships.

I want to be clear that I'm not suggesting all attraction is based on projection. It is simply my experience that many intense infatuations or obsessions result from this psychological quirk. Discovering this in yourself can be transformative across all areas of life, as I have seen with countless clients.

Take the time and explore yourself. You won't regret it.

Make it happen.

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you're ready to attract the love you deserve.

I've helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let's see how we can make it happen.

You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, "Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak", here.