There's this boy I know on the internet that I want to fuck.

Boy isn't really the right word, he's a man, a very sexy man. A man that I want to caress my skin and kiss my lips. A man that I want to pull my hair and slip his hard cock inside me when I'm wet, ready, and willing.

I think about it quite often, pulling my panties down and touching myself with my eyes close, imagining that my hands were his hands. I imagine his long, skinny fingers pushing their way inside me, thrusting into me. Then maybe, him bringing them to my lips to give me a taste.

Why do we want to have sex with people we don't know?

What makes us so trusting with people that we give them every bit of ourselves when we don't know the slightest thing about them. It isn't much different from heading out to a bar to pick up a stranger to take home or swiping our way through tinder for a casual sex sesh.

We are finding people to pull into our beds with very little knowledge about them at all. Splitting ourselves open to let them see deep and intimate parts of us, without knowing who they are or what they value, or what their intentions may be beyond a quick way to get off.

In so many ways, what I have with the man on the internet is like a one night stand, yet it is vastly different in a plethora of other ways.

There are a hundred ways that I do know him.

We shared so much with each other over the past year or so that we've known each other. In many ways, I do feel as if I know him, even though we've never met in real life. I have shared more about myself with him than the person I was dating.

He has listened as I talked about my problems, offering up ways to help me get through whatever dilemma I was struggling with at the time. He talked me through every issue in my relationship, every identity crisis, every period of self-doubt.

He was my support system mentally and emotionally, filling the need that the person I was with should have fulfilled. We have long conversations about everything and nothing. We talked about our goals, our daily lives, even sometimes our dreams.

There have been times when we have drifted apart, mostly because I would pull away and disappear, afraid that I was becoming too close. I was even worried that I would cross a line that I didn't want to cross when we were both seeing someone else.

It amazing how comfortable you can become with someone you don't know in real life. It takes hardly any time at all to become close enough to share dark, intimate things about yourself.

There have been times I imagined the person I was with was him instead.

Doing so makes it incredibly hard to make sure that you are calling out the right name. When you're with this one but thinking of that one, longing, craving, the boy on the other side of my web browser. Looking back on it now, I know it wasn't fair to the person I was with, but I couldn't help myself.

There was something so intriguing about this new man that it was hard to keep him off my mind. Maybe it was because he always seemed better suited for me than the one I was dating.

While the man I was with tried to understand me, the man on the internet understood me. He listened and cared, and in so many ways, he made me feel seen at I a time when everyone else made me feel invisible.

I like to pretend he doesn't know.

As if it isn't apparent that I want him. I pretend that he won't read these words I carefully use to craft together the picture of all the times I imagine what it would be like to feel him slide inside me. How I paint a pretty scene of how exhilarating it would feel to finally feel what it's like to be held in his arms or my hands running through his hair. How it makes me feel happy when I see that he's remembered to tell me goodnight before he falls asleep.

But we both know that he knows, and nothing will ever come of it.

There's this tricky little detail of how he is happily coupled up and one of the good ones. When I say he's one of the good ones, I mean that he respects the woman he is with and never lets anything pass between us that is disrespectful. I, in turn, also respect his current relationship status.

I've been called a homewrecker a time or two and have no intention of putting myself in that position again. The fact that he is a good one, kind and caring but yet sets healthy boundaries makes me want him more. The good ones are so rare to find.

Until I find a good one of my own, I'll keep fantasizing about the boy on the internet. Wondering what it would be like to have a real-life version of him to call my own.