I've heard these words the night before I was taken to a psychiatric hospital as an involuntary patient 17 years ago. I also heard "slow down, go back to your room and stay there". These were the only two sentences I know without a shadow of a doubt were spoken to me from some entity that has more knowledge than I do. They sounded silent. They had no feminine or masculine tone, completely neutral, also neutral in the sense of having no other emotions underlying them. They were commanded, but not authoritative. They were absolute in certainty, they carry no doubt of any kind.

I had heard of people hearing other voices before and, like most, I was told we needed to believe they were crazy, unless they claimed it was God's voice and had proven it somehow by belonging to a religious organization. When it happened to me it became clear where I was boxed in. Which is unfair. It is unfair because I could have easily made a business around this just like I witness so many doing that, and here I am, still isolated, isolated more and more throughout the years. Holding a relationship for me is literally like having a full time job: it takes all of my energy. I've been trying to normalize my life again ever since to the best of my ability, but it's getting extremelly difficult.

I did not get 10 commandments. I got only two. Yet, they are the most difficult to follow. I've been meaning to write about my experiences on this for the longest time. But as you can imagine: trying to figure out what these two things are and sync them together in perfect harmony is the hardest mission I was ever given. It is unfair that I have not been given any more puzzle pieces, at least not in any unambiguous form. I was also told I can ask for help, yet, I need discernment in who to trust with this. Because the asking for help is just something I keep hearing others tell me, they never came in the exact form that these two commandments came. So, who do I trust?

I am in my room right now, obviously my room has changed into many forms since 2008, but I can still identify when a place is still "my room", and not understanding exactly what "Our need for words is almost over" is, it is difficult to even start, because when words are over… what is left? Reality? It looks like reality for many other life forms do not entail words at all, yet there they are. They live. Words have become our prison in a way. Let not the intellectuals hear me…they believe the opposite. But… is it?

I'm tired of feeling like my brains are scrambled eggs.