There are so many articles out there now regarding extramarital affairs, many right here on Medium, I almost feel like I need to set the record straight, or at least tell my side of things. Honestly, I don't share many of my writings, I certainly don't publish them. My writings, ramblings, whatever you want to call it is my therapeutic way to corral my thoughts and gain some direction.

So, a quick intro on me, and if I do continue, you'll find out more. I don't know how many times I'll write on here or anywhere, so maybe this is a part 1 of a series, maybe just the first article in this genre overall, I really have no idea. Maybe I go no further than just respond to snarky comments on my writing style or subject matter, or language (yes, I'll get colorful at times with my language so just accept it/me for what it is). Let's just see what happens. I'm sure the feedback I'll get will be mixed, if I get more than 2 responses at all, lol, I'm not expecting anything really. I have a few followers on here that started following me because I'm assuming they liked my responses to others' articles on here. And because it was really simple to hit the 'Follow' button. I'm OK with that.

I'm going to write this conversational because 1, it's just easier and more laid back, and 2, I just don't want to write it differently. I want to write this as if we're all sitting around having a drink and talking, relaxed and the conversation goes where it goes. It'll ramble and jump around at times, but that is what it is. It'll be redundant at times but hey, maybe I'm having a drink while I'm writing and don't remember if I said something before or not, or in a previous article.

Just quickly before I dive-in to the subject at hand, a few things about me. I'm truly blessed with the ability to either 100%, completely and unequivocally compartmentalize situations for years on end, OR overthink them to the extent that beating a dead horse would fall far short of what I put myself through. I'm joking when I say blessed because it's truly an unhealthy curse that my brain can work in completely opposite directions at the same time regarding the same, let's call it the 'object of my desire' or whatever I'm dealing with, or I'm obsessed with at the moment.

Maybe obsessed is the wrong way to state it. I'm talking about when I'm buying a new car or cell phone, deciding what to plant in the landscaping (it's been a little bit on that one) or deciphering what a woman said to me or text me, or whatever. I'm usually in the compartmentalize category, but there's times where, man, I'll blow myself up wondering 'what does that really mean?' or 'what did she mean by that??'. I can go down that rabbit hole quickly if I let myself.

So, let's move the subject matter in my title.

I hate generalizations and 99% of all the attitudes towards extramarital affairs, i.e. 'cheating', are that they are 100% wrong and can never and will never be right.

I firmly disagree with this generalization. As with all generalizations, every situation is being lumped together in one big bucket as if all of them are the same, started for the same reasons, have the exact same traits and path, and so on. I'm here to offer concrete proof that they do NOT all start the same or for the same reasons. What about those that start where the 2 APs are 100% in the know of what this is and what the others are doing? Meaning, they both know the other is married. What about those? They know the drill. They know why each of them are doing it, there are no preconceived notions of this, no hidden agendas between the two of them, i.e. one is really single, one is actually getting divorced when in reality he/she isn't, and so on. What about those couples? Now, they are starting for the same reasons as many do that both APs are seeking emotional fulfillment, love, companionship, etc. outside of their own relationships so yeah in that regard they are the same or similar to most.

But too many times these types of affairs are lumped in with the same ones that are merely started by those that simply want the thrill of another person, to get away with it, aren't seeking any more fulfillment than what's in their pants, fully intend to have affairs as many times as possible, etc. etc. The players that treat their spouse/partner like shit and do whatever they want for their own gain or amusement. I'm sorry, those people are on the opposite ends of the spectrum than those who are seeking deeper fulfillment from unhappy marriages when they gave them or are giving them the old college try. They will cheat at the drop of a hat because it's just what they do.

Now before I get eviscerated by you, I'm not trying to justify having affairs. They just aren't ideal; I'm not living in a haze over here. But I can say that the intent behind them can be very, very different and that really needs to be taken into account when talking about them. Again, I'm not trying to necessarily justify certain types of affairs but to lump them all in together as if they have the same motive is not logical at all. Feel free to disagree of course. You can say that in the end, no matter the reasoning for the affair, is that the non-cheating spouse and family still get lied to and hurt and you wouldn't be wrong. Again, I'm not trying to say that part is. What I am trying to say is that not all those that 'cheat' are not reincarnations of Satan himself or some hell-spawn demon or whatever the fuck you want to call them.

I understand that if you're on the, let's call it, receiving end of a spouse or partner having an affair then I completely get the idea that there is no way it can be right. I understand that and I'm not saying that an affair is the 'right' think to do. What I'm saying is this: When it's constantly said as in many articles and others that an affair can't ever be true love, the APs can never have a real relationship of their own because of the way it started, it was all built on lies, etc. that is not true at all. I've known many couples that met each other when either or both were with someone else and low and behold, they met their forever person, their twin flame, whatever you want to call him/her. What should they do? Most doctors, therapists, people in general or divorce lawyers would tell them DON'T DO IT!!! It's not worth it, it's not right.

People in dating situations meet someone new all the time, break-up with their dating partner for the other, and have long lasting relationships, including getting married. Why is this acceptable but it's not if one or the other is married? Yes, I get you take vows and have committed to another in a marriage but it's not as different as it's laid out to be. Yes, if there are children it certainly takes it to a different level. I don't take these lightly and I'm not trying to diminish their importance. This notion that everyone has to be single (and according to many self-help articles, single for a long time to get their 'energy' back and be in a good place for months, yada, yada, yada) when they or SO they can meet their perfect partner is complete BS.

So my beef is with the authors of these articles, some of them therapists and doctors, that will tell you just that, that you should never have an affair. If you are tempted, ignore it no matter what. There's no justification ever. However, these same people will also be the first to tell you that if your are not having your emotional needs met by your spouse/partner, then maybe it's time to move on from them. If you've honestly tried to get them to meet your needs and time and time again they do not, children involved or not, then you need to move on or maybe consider moving on. If it's an abusive or truly toxic relationship, then that times 100.

Ok, I'm going to say it now. This advice is usually geared towards woman, but rarely supportive of men. So, when people are supportive (as rare as it is) for someone to move on from a marriage and seek what they truly need, deserve and desire, for those times it's 99% in favor of the woman to move on from her uncaring husband but sooooo rare that men are told to move on from their wives. Yep, I said it again. If a woman decides to step out or move on, well, it's because her husband didn't meet her emotional needs. Doesn't matter if he financially provided for her/the kids, and all that goes with that. If he was not attentive to his wife and realize that it's not all about the money, house, the SUV, or clothes and jewelry and flowers, yada, yada, yada, but more so her feelings and emotions and if she is truly feeling loved and fulfilled, then adios she'll find someone that will.

Again, I'll be the first to line up and say that is 100% true. It's not just about the money, a stable household. It's about feelings and emotions. We're all human and we all have them. If you aren't attentive to your wife, then whether you agree her having an affair is right or not, you shouldn't be shocked if she does. Just saying. I'm guilty as well as not understanding all my wife's needs and simply saying, 'Yep, I always provided! What's her problem?' (my wife never cheated on me that I know of for the record). Yes, I've been that prick that didn't understand there's more to life than just money.

Back to the above, sorry for the squirrel moment…

• *I'm cutting here and going to part 2 after I realized how long the article was becoming. Sorry, getting the hang of this writing for people stuff.

Part 2 is here.

Part 3 is here.

Part 4 is here.