It happens all the time. Someone sends you an article or the first draft of their book and asks you for some feedback.

This puts you in a difficult situation.

If you're too critical, you could damage the relationship. If you're unsure about how they handle feedback, you may be surprised at their reaction.

You want to be helpful and give them honest tips that they can use to improve their writing, but it's tricky.

Put the shoe on the other foot.

What if YOU were the one asking for feedback?

Here are some things to consider before you send that request to a friend or an editor.

Who are you asking?

If you understand the feedback style of the person you are asking, you'll be better prepared to accept their feedback. You'll know what you're in for.

If the person is very direct and outspoken, you can expect to get fast and honest feedback.

If they're quiet and tend to be reserved, you can expect tentative comments. It may take them some time to respond. You might need to explore their comments further to get what you really want. Ask some questions to discover more about what they're telling you.

Your level of respect for the person makes a big difference in your ability to accept their feedback with grace. If you value their opinion, you can be grateful for what they have to tell you, even if the comments are somewhat negative.

Sometimes feedback can feel like a gift and sometimes the comments make you feel like you're ready to end the relationship.

Manage your reaction

It's good if you have tough skin. If you're the kind of person who doesn't let things bother you easily, negative feedback might not affect you as much.

If you're sensitive to suggestions, you might find it very difficult to hear what the person is trying to tell you.

You've spent a lot of time working on your book and it feels like a part of you. Now you have to step back and let it be seen by fresh eyes.

It's important to not take comments about your writing personally. Remind yourself that the feedback is about your novel, it's not about you.

We all have triggers and if the feedback pulls yours, it can really cause a problem.

There are three types of triggers that might affect the way you react to someone's comments. These are gut reaction triggers that might trip you up. If you can recognize them, it's easier to release them.

• Truth trigger — Your first reaction is "What you're saying won't work."
• Relationship trigger — This depends on whether you trust them or like them. In this trigger situation, you're reacting to the who, not the feedback.
• Identity trigger — This can occur if the feedback threatens your identity in some way.

Your past experience and sensitivity can make you react in different ways. It can make it hard for you to hear what's important. It can take a long time to recover from a negative trigger. That depends on you.

Be clear about what you're asking for.

There are many different ways to talk about types of feedback. One good feedback model uses the acronym: ACE.

These letters stand for Appreciation, Coaching, and Evaluation. These help describe the type of feedback you could ask for.

When you tell the person what you're hoping for it will make the conversation easier. They will understand your needs and can attempt to meet them.

Appreciation or Cheerleading

If you're getting started as a writer, it helps to have a cheerleader. You need someone to read your stuff and tell you it's worth continuing to write.

If you're struggling, you might need some encouragement so you can keep going. In the beginning, if you receive either coaching or evaluation when all you want is some support, it can be very discouraging.

Coaching

A good coach can give you information about what parts of your novel need help and how to improve it. They may suggest specific things that could be done.

This could feel more like an evaluation unless the person giving feedback is careful to be supportive in how they give feedback.

Good coaching can be delivered in a sandwich of good, bad, and good.

• "This bit is great, this could be worked on and this bit is great."

It's good to have a conversation about coaching feedback so you are both clear on what to expect.

Become a good receiver. Don't let your triggered reaction make you discard the feedback.

If you disagree with the coach's comments, call a friend and talk about it. Get another perspective and you may find they'll help you see the coaching as what it is.

A friend who is a supportive mirror joins you in sharing what's wrong with the feedback. Once they've done that, and maybe after some time passes, they can help you see which part of the coaching may possibly be helpful.

At the hair salon, when they show you the back of your head in the mirror, they're showing you something that you can't see on your own. The supportive mirror is a similar idea.

Line editor

I know, line editing isn't one of the three in the ACE Feedback model.

But line editing is so important if you're ever going to get to the Evaluation level of feedback. Most people think line editing is about punctuation and spelling. That's a proofreader's job.

Line editing is about pacing, voice, and use of language. They might point out that some sections are inconsistent with others. Overuse of certain words is something a line editor often notices. They usually work on each line, cleaning up sentences so they're sharp and clear while keeping the writer's style intact.

Evaluation

This is more of a judgment level of feedback and can be difficult to hear if it's negative. If you are submitting to a publication, check their submission guidelines so you can decide if your piece suits their needs.

Evaluation ranks your work against a specific set of standards. If you don't know what the standards are, it's pretty difficult to meet them.

At this level of feedback, you're asking for a fail or pass to tell if the manuscript is ready to go or not. It's a grade on the quality of your work and its suitability for publication in a specific place.

It's possible to ask for an interim evaluation. That's a good idea in situations where you're unsure of the standards.

Asking "Am I on track for what you expect from me in this situation?" can be a very helpful way to find out if you need to make adjustments.

Giving and receiving feedback on anything is a delicate dance.

Tread carefully, so you don't damage a relationship over a misunderstanding. You need to understand the feedback style of others, and you also need to manage your triggers.

It's important to approach feedback with an open mind, so you're open to improving your writing. Feedback isn't a reflection of your worth as a writer. It's a chance to refine your craft. Don't take it personally and stay open to possibilities.

When you ask other writers for feedback, it's a chance to build a reciprocal relationship. By creating a supportive circle of writers, you'll be able to improve your writing and prepare for publication in the future.