"Can you help me out just this one time?"
I arrived at work and hadn't even taken my coat off, and there was already someone waiting there who wanted me to solve their problem for them.
Although this specific issue was no fault of my own, the bigger picture was all my fault. I had made the mistake of establishing a lousy pattern at work, and now it was coming back to bite me.
I had made the mistake of becoming known as a "good guy."
What is a Good Guy or Gal?
We all know good guys and gals; they are the people you call when you need help. These good people can be relied on to drop what they are doing to help out a friend or coworker.
They're the kind of people others love to have around, so they can call on the good guy or gal when needed.
You can always count on good guys and gals to do the right thing for others, regardless of how it affects them personally.
Good guys and gals put the needs and wants of others ahead of their own, and in return, they ask little for themselves. The good guy or gal does what is best for others at their own expense.
This selflessness can be great for everyone else but exhausting for the good person, so why is the good person so good? What selfish rewards do they get out of being so selfless?
The Rewards of Being a Good Guy or Gal
Besides the apparent reward of being seen as a good person, the real prize is inclusion. Other people want to keep good guys and gals around. After all, they can be helpful while asking little in return.
But therein lies the problem; the good guy or gal believes that self-sacrificing is the price of admission to the group.
They know that others keep them around so the others can lean on them when needed. The good guys and gals secretly believe they will be excommunicated from the group if they refuse any request.
So they feel pressure to appear good to remain a part of the group.
The Downside of Being a Good Guy or Gal
Good guys and gals can be great to have around, but do you want to be one?
Always being there for others can be exhausting. Especially because always being there for others means you don't have anyone to turn to when you need support.
Being a good person means doing what is best for others at the exclusion of what is good for you. It's hard to advance when you constantly put aside your work to help others.
It's tough to accomplish what is meaningful in your life if you keep dropping what is essential to you to help others with what is important to them.
Your own needs go unfulfilled. Constantly looking out for the needs and happiness of others keeps you from looking out for yourself.
Worst than not having your needs met, good people often reach a point where they no longer even acknowledge they have wants and needs. And it is impossible to meet requirements when you are no longer aware of them.
Ultimately, the subjugation of your own opportunities and needs for the advancement of others leads to frustration. After all, you are a good person, so why aren't you getting ahead? Why aren't your needs being met?
Those frustrations will lead to resentment of the people who consider you a good guy or gal, which tends to boil over at the worst possible times and in the worst ways.
The result is everyone goes from thinking of you as an excellent person to seeing you as a jerk in the blink of an eye.
Good People Get Invited to the Party, But they are Never the Center of the Party.
Being a good guy or gal may get you invited to the party, but the good person is never the center of the party. Instead, that role goes to the good guy's natural antithesis, the bad guy.
The bad guy is the life of the party. They are the ones the action revolves around. Why? Because they are the mover and shaker who does new and exciting things. And how do they do that?
By following their own lead, looking after their own time and interest, and accomplishing their creative and ambitious work. The same work they need good people to bring to fruition. The very work that ties up good people's time and prevents them from getting ahead.
Being a good person may mean you will get invited to the party, but it ensures that you will never be at the party's center.
The Fatal Flaw of Being a Good Person
The good guy or gal trades themselves for the approval of the group. They make sacrifices so they will be included. But even when a good person is invited to the party, they aren't really a part of it.
That is because the group doesn't see the good person as a complete human being.
All the group can see is the good guy or gal persona that person projects.
You become bland.
How will the group ever get to know you if you always subjugate yourself to fit in? If you don't show yourself, no one will be able to see you.
Hiding behind the persona of the good person may mean that no one bears you any ill will, but that is not because they like you; it's because they don't know you well enough to have an opinion.
You are trading being seen as someone with unique talents, interests, ambitions, and ideas to avoid being excluded. But avoiding exclusion is not the same as being accepted.
And you won't be welcomed into the group until you set aside the good guy or gal persona and bring out your authentic self.
You hide yourself.
It feels dangerous to bring out your true self if you have been hiding behind a good person mask. After all, the main advantage of being a good person is the inclusion that comes from not offending anyone.
But there is a difference between being invited to the party and just going along. As a good person, you are just going along.
If you want to be the center of the part, you need to do more than drop your good person persona; you need to be the bad guy or gal occasionally. Doing so may sound threatening if you have invested a lot in your good person persona.
But when you think about it, you may already be playing the bad guy in your own life.
Anyone holding someone else back, telling them they aren't good enough unless they act a certain way, and keeping them from reaching their potential is a bad person — and that person may be yourself.
Make Friends with your "Bad" Side
We all have both good and bad personas inside of us. It's not about being a good or bad person; it's about being human. Being human is not a black-and-white issue; it is a matter of shades of grey.
Being good or bad is the same way; it isn't one or the other but getting the blend of both correct.
If there is something important you feel compelled to do, you have two choices, put on your black hat and play the bad guy, or don't get it done.
You must sometimes be the bad guy if you want to look after yourself, be fit, healthy, happy, successful, and recognized for your unique contribution. It's the bad guy who accomplishes their goals. It's the good guy who helps them by sacrificing their own plans.
It isn't selfish to be the bad guy sometimes; it's strategic. Intentionally saying no, turning off your phone, and doing what you must do to become who you can be is not selfish.
What is selfish is other people insisting that you act a certain way that is advantageous to them. That is manipulation, and it is the epitome of selfishness.
The hardest lesson for the good guy to learn is that the only person's approval they need is their own.
So ask yourself, are you satisfied with your life and your role? Are you showing what you are capable of and becoming the person you can be?
If the answer to those questions isn't "Hell yes," then it is time for you to put on your black hat and start saying "Hell no" to all the people and obligations holding you back.
It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. The trick is in learning how to set boundaries and tell people "Hell no" without them feeling you told them off.
Put On Your Black Hat
Set boundaries.
It's not wrong to help others. It is inappropriate for others to expect your help at the expense of yourself. That is not generosity; it is a failure to set appropriate boundaries.
Boundaries define how much you are willing to give to others and how much you need to keep for yourself. The more explicitly you state those boundaries, the easier it will be to stick to them. And by sticking to them, you train yourself and others to respect your needs.
Setting boundaries means making involatile rules. That may be as simple as "I will hit the gym/yoga studio every morning before work." Write that down on your day planner. Make it clear to yourself.
Then if something comes up that requests you break your rule, say, "I can't do that, I already have something else scheduled in that time." The fact it is time for yourself shouldn't make any difference.
If you had a meeting with someone else already scheduled, you wouldn't feel guilty about turning down the second request. So why should you feel guilty when you have a meeting with yourself? Start showing yourself the same respect you show others by setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Determine what time you need for yourself.
It's not your job to solve the world's problems. It's your job to make the most out of your tiny corner of the world.
When others ask for your help, give only the time you don't already have scheduled. You aren't doing them a favor if you rescue them whenever they get into trouble.
Don't get drawn into other peoples' drama. A lack of planning on their part is not an emergency on yours.
Digging them out of the pit they put themselves in keeps them from learning from their bad experience and ensures both of you will be in the same spot again. So put on your black hat, and practice a little tough love. Give them what you have to offer within your boundaries, but don't violate those boundaries.
Conclusion
Being a good guy or gal is an easy trap to fall into.
It makes you feel included when you naively assume others would not otherwise invite you. That may initially seem attractive until you realize that people aren't asking you, but only your persona.
You may be at the party as a good person, but you will never be the party's center if you allow your good guy/gal mentality to hold you back.
You must be willing to be the bad guy occasionally to bring out what you have to offer. You need to selflessly look after yourself and your goals by setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Setting boundaries doesn't mean you stop helping others; it does mean that you begin treating yourself with an equal measure of respect to how you treat everyone else.
It's not selfish to look after your own needs. What is selfish is other people expect you to act the way they want you to. In the face of that selfishness, you don't need to feel guilty when you say no to others because you are saying yes to yourself.
To become who you can be and accomplish what you need to accomplish, you must put on your black hat and play the bad guy from time to time. You must set boundaries, focus on your needs, and do your work. Doing that will make you the party's center, not just someone who goes along.
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