This is part two in a series. The first part explains what a happiness fence is and why you need one.

Life in the modern world is full of dogs shitting on our lawns. That's how I think about a lack of boundaries. The relentlessness of our lives — the pinging, the ringing, the going, the rushing, the overwhelming calendars — tramples all over our pretty landscaping. We need a fence, a "happiness fence." Check out my piece "It's Time to Build a Happiness Fence" to learn what it is and why it is critical in the modern world. Today, I want to share with you how I built my happiness fence. For a guy who realized, at 42, that he had no boundaries, how did I create them?

First, I locked the door and took a deep breath. Literally. You cannot create emotional boundaries without first creating a physical one, even if it's temporary. For me, I was locked in an apartment solo for almost a year during the pandemic. Maybe you were not. You may have to take a day off of work, or take a little You Retreat, or even lock yourself in a closet in the basement to be alone. You must be alone. With walls, physical walls, between you and anyone else. Now, breathe.

I want this to be productive for you, so here is a list of some first steps to take to create some formidable boundaries. It's organized into a week, so you're not overwhelmed. Take it step-by-step over seven days, or even over seven weeks. This will take time, so be kind to yourself, and forgiving, and bold.

Monday

Get the dogs out. Nip the immediate crazy in the bud. Make a list of the five things and five people who are driving you crazy right now. Write them down. It's amazing how clear something gets when you see it on a page or screen. Write down why they are driving you crazy. Then write down what you need for/from each in order for them to stop driving you crazy. You're allowed to have needs in this world. If no one has ever told you that, I am telling you now. Call, text, or chat with whomever you must to clear up the current mayhem. It's blocking your ability to build your fence. If you have to, cancel, withdraw, turn down, or forgive, let go, give in, or make nice. That's not long-term advice, that's just a means to this end: get the barking dogs out of your yard. If you're focused on them, their problem-of-the-day or their "asap" needs, you have zero time or space to focus on yours.

Tuesday

Clean up their shit. There is sure to be fallout from Monday. You can't just call, text, or chat with a troublemaker or a timesucker without some consequence. Most of the consequences will make you feel bad. Yes, it's okay. You will feel bad about having cancelled, corrected, reprimanded, said "no" or declined something. The feeling bad is the feeling you constantly avoid. You feel bad so you go people-please. I used to do it constantly. Stop. Sit with it. It sucks. You feel bad. It will pass. Do not go undo what you did. It's time to clean up the yard.

Wednesday

Decide what the lawn looks like. If you don't have a clear idea of what your own happiness looks like, you will struggle with boundaries. Your agenda must be more urgent than everyone else's. You don't have to be a dick about it, but you have to know what it is that you are protecting. Make a list of what you need and want in order to be happy. This list is wildly different for everyone. It also changes. What makes me happy at 43 is not what made me happy at 23. Also, what you need to be happy and what you want are also two different things. Start with needs, then move to wants. Once you have your list, schedule everything on it. Open your calendar up. You need to get a haircut once a week to feel like a human, put it in on Thursday at 6 p.m. — in red. This is a block you need to protect. I realize this is a lot easier said than done — especially coming from a guy with no kids. The point is: Decide what a happy you looks like and schedule it. If it's not scheduled, it a pipe dream. It will never happen.

Thursday

Put the posts in the ground. Identify what and who are most likely to get in the way of you doing whatever is on Wednesday's list. You know who they are. Cut them off at the pass right now. Do whatever you have to do to protect that time you scheduled for you. Be proactive. Say the things you don't want to say. Have the conversations you don't want to have. Be willing to cry. Cry. Go ahead. We'll wait. Protect that time. That time is yours. No one gets it. No one. If you need a haircut at 6 p.m. on Thursday to make you feel like a human being, then you are getting a haircut at 6 p.m. on Thursday — no matter what.

Decide what style fence you like. Everyone's fence is different. Is yours wood, white picket, or chicken-wire? The style is up to you. How do you want to communicate your boundaries? Do you want to have conversations? Do you want to re-negotiate contracts? Do you want to set a new company policy? Do you want to have a family meeting? All of the above? What is the tone of that boundary-setting? Are you going to go full-on bitch and shock everyone with your new attitude or are you going to text and email politely? Something in between? Stern, but kind? Your call.

Build the fence. By this, I basically mean: learn how to say "no." Most of the barking dogs who are shitting on your lawn are there because you let them be there. You said "yes" (or didn't say "no") at some point — yesterday, a month ago, when you were 17. I have two primers for you to spend time with: How I Finally Learned How to Say 'No' and How to Say 'No' — at Work. Now, when you get an invitation for Thursday at 6pm for Zoom cocktails, an assignment that simply cannot wait, a calendar invite for another conference call, or a text about your kid's re-scheduled soccer game, you'll have new language to help. Go get the haircut. You'll feel like a human again.

Friday

Make the fence taller. A tall and strong fence keeps the noise out. So, turn off all — yes, all — alerts on your phone, your laptop, your Slack, your Facebook, your inbox, your Alexa, your TV. Silence anything that beeps. To turn the volume down on life, you have to actually turn the volume down. Now, schedule into your calendar time to check email, time to check Facebook, time to check Slack, etc. I know that is hard. Boundaries are hard. You may have to let people — friends, family, colleagues, your boss — know that you will be checking less frequently. Communicate how you want to be communicated with/to. You set the tone, schedule, cadence, as best you can.

Saturday

Install the gate. Your happiness fence has a gate. You can open and close it as often as you like. Now, write your Happiness Rules — a list of 10-20 rules (or promises, commitments) that you make for yourself about who is allowed through that gate, what can come into your backyard, and how often. To give you an example, back to the haircut, one of my Happiness Rules is: I get a haircut every two weeks. Not, "I will get a haircut…" Not, "I will try to get a haircut…" No. I get a haircut every two weeks. It is what I do. It is who I am now. It is my new reality. The Happy Me gets a haircut every other Thursday at 6pm. Deal with it. Other rules might include how often you check email, how much you go on Facebook, how many play dates per week your kids are allowed to make, how many sports they can join every season, how many nights a week you and your wife have dinner alone. Your rules are your rules. So, you write them. But write them. Then type them up. Then print them. Then post them up in your house. If you live alone, they are a daily reminder for you. If you don't live alone, they are a daily reminder to everyone else: the gate will be closed so I can honor this rule.

Sunday

Enjoy the yard. Remember, you built a fence so you could enjoy a backyard free of invasion. So, enjoy it. Go do the things you said you wanted to do that will make you happy. If you don't, there is no sense in building a fence. It's expensive and you can't bring it back to Home Depot. It's called a Happiness Fence for a reason. It protects that which makes you happy. So, go get happy. I know how vague that is. But I don't know you personally, so I can't tell you how to get happy. Actually, I would wager to say that you are already a pretty happy human once all the madness is properly held at bay with strong boundaries. Or at least you are one step closer to happy.