Eleanor North (not her real name) is a well-established New York real estate lawyer by day. By night, she is a wicked-smart writer who is one of the most-followed people on the social media site Quora. Recently, she got her first professional freelance writing gig. Eleanor reads at a supersonic pace, finishing books by the boatload. Plus, she is extremely physically active, immersing herself in martial arts. She is also extraordinarily devoted, never failing to support those she loves.

By her mid-thirties, Eleanor would be taken, or so one might think. But she has yet to find that very special man. So many people are in a similar situation, and if you are one, it's not too late for you. Not even close. All you need to do is look around, with patience and persistence.

Let's face it. I found the needle in the haystack. Now, I'm physically and socially awkward. I'm also very, very uncomfortable with being feminine, to the point of being gender-nonconforming. I'm obsessed with some weird things, like laughing hyenas. Hell, I'm so obsessed with hyenas, Eleanor's pseudonym in this piece is the name of a hyena. And I don't fit into most social groups. I didn't go to my proms because I had no date and no one invited me. I'm only romantically compatible with someone educated, intelligent, straightforward, sincere, and Jewish of the right stripe — and Jews are only 2% of the population of my country. I spent many years single and really lonely, looking very hard. But my story has a happy ending. It came unexpectedly — read on and you'll see. My wedding was more than six years ago. When I think of my husband, I see things like sunny days, blue skies, and this.

First, Put Out Feelers

If you are a lonely single, don't worry. Just act. Your first step is to put yourself out there. This doesn't come naturally to some people, and what you should do is set aside time. It need not be a whole lot of time — a few hours a week, in the beginning, should be enough.

Make sure you get into a rhythm where you are shown a steady stream of people. Start by creating simple, free profiles on a number of online dating sites, and explore. Find your favorite sites. There is no shame in meeting your partner online. Multiple studies suggest that marriages in which the couple met online are more satisfying on average than those where they met offline. Nearly 1 in 5 recently married couples have met online, including me. Other people meet their partners in more traditional ways such as in school, at work, through their friends, and from their hobbies. But if you are not finding the right person these other ways, chances are greater that, when you find the right person, it will be online. Meeting people online is far more efficient than attending singles' events or picking up a new hobby. More of your efforts are dedicated to looking for and finding romantic partners. In the COVID era, it is also safer.

You might be interested in this article, which has more information about online dating.

Promote Yourself

Once you see some sites or groups with a vibe you like, it's time to create a more elaborate profile. Photos are very important. Get a friend with a good camera to take some nice shots of you in a place that is meaningful to you. You look more serious about dating if your profile has several pictures of you, with both head and full-body photos. Try to dress nicely, but stick with what feels normal to you. For example, unless you normally use professional photographs in public posts about yourself, you probably don't need a professional photographer.

The writing in your dating profile should also be well-thought-out and detailed while highlighting your personality. It should neatly fit the sections of the profile without being too lengthy or verbose. It can be very difficult to explain who you are. I've published pieces in professional newspapers and magazines, but I still needed help from people I knew when I wrote my profile. I went through several revisions with my mom as I saw what kinds of people were responding to my profile. Try to think of the things you like, your favorite people, and your best interactions with them and write something which would get those people, if they did not know you, attracted to you. You might want to search on the same dating site for women, to see what women who seem similar to you have done. That can give you ideas.

Most importantly, the person in question needs to be attracted to you rather than to some mirage. Don't be afraid of who you are. Tell the truth about your age, your income, and the standards you have in a relationship. Remember that you don't need everyone, just one person. In fact, according to one study by the online dating site OK Cupid, turning off the wrong men can help filter for and even attract the right ones.

Building the Right Relationship

So you have a reasonably polished profile. If you can find a decent new date without too much difficulty at least once every week or two, you're on the right track. If you can't, you probably need to change either your profile or your search parameters. Your profile should make you come off as self-respecting but not arrogant or cocky. It should also make you come off as caring and ready to commit to the right person. You can more than overcome a few extra pounds or years or a face that is far from 10/10 if you're laid-back rather than self-conscious about these things.

Even if you are unable to relocate, it probably helps to expand your search to people worldwide. I did that based on a standard tip from the online dating site OK Cupid after I found it a bit difficult to meet someone locally. I did not want to relocate but still started corresponding with a man halfway across the U.S.A., in Oklahoma. I figured that, if things were really working out, we'd find a way to get around that hurdle. As I learned later, he was hoping for a chance to move.

Compromising a bit on height, weight, age, current income, and appearance can also help, depending on what is important to you. It's also important to pick someone who seems steady, responsible, and conscientious, as these qualities often mean they are committed. Sometimes, older men are better established and have mellowed out. Former Xerox CEO Ursula Burns attributes her success, in part, to marrying a much older man. However, I did not want a partner too much older than me, because I did not want a long period of time without him in old age.

On the other hand, if you really are compatible with someone much younger, it is sexist and ageist to call you a "cougar." The people who would do that are just getting in your way. By the law of averages, older women may well end up with younger men, merely because odds are that a random compatible person is younger.

Another way to put yourself at an advantage is being willing to date black or Asian men. According to studies, implicit biases lead to fewer people interested in their profiles. Being open to black and Asian men can increase your options.

If someone feels iffy, or you are no longer interested in them, don't be afraid to call off the relationship — and the earlier, the better. Look for someone who is putting in a level of commitment that seems natural, and that they should be able to sustain. Also, look for someone you would really want to see every day of your life, that can and will build the type of life you want, that shares your personal values, that seems honest and steady, and that you can trust in important areas. These qualities are likely to reveal themselves over time. If you feel they are not there, trust your gut. They probably aren't. Your relationship should turn into an emotional bond gradually, steadily, and organically. As it progresses, you need to be able to discuss what is important to you and how the two of you can make this happen together. You also need to know what is important to your partner.

Don't Expect a Fairy Tale

There is no such thing as the perfect couple or a perfectly smooth marriage. The most loving couples had rough patches. In a healthy relationship, these might even bring the couple closer.

It's probably best to think of your relationship as one of mutual support. Your partner should be supporting you, and you should be supporting your partner. Support can come in many different forms, depending on what you and your partner can do for one another. And that is what you need to be asking yourself, as you date. You need to be asking what kind of a life you and your partner can build together.

My own marriage had its challenges. First, neither of us had ever lived in any of the same cities. Compounding that, although he was also Jewish most of his family was Christian and came from a different social class. He came to my city, New York, knowing hardly anyone except me. It took him time to orient himself and get established. And we had to learn a lot about each other's verbal and nonverbal communication styles, probably more than we would if we'd had more similar backgrounds.

This made our honeymoon to Australia extra special. We wanted to go far away, halfway around the world. For the first time, we found ourselves together in a place that was both of ours on equal footing. Neither of us had been there before. So we could not say either one of us had more personal history in Australia than the other. Melbourne, Australia, where we flew in, became the first city that was both of ours, because of our relationship.

Then, a year after the wedding, my husband's kidneys deteriorated. He had to stop eating many of the foods we loved and go on a special low-potassium diet. Two years after we were married, his kidneys failed altogether. Fortunately, we were able to find the gene that was causing this and screen for it during in-vitro fertilization (IVF) of our future children. But my husband had more immediate concerns. He needed a very special person with a compatible kidney if he were to get a kidney transplant and avoid the much riskier treatment of dialysis. For various reasons, such as being the wrong blood type, many people close to him could not offer their kidneys. Finally, we found a match in one of his childhood friends, who was gracious enough to donate. She and her husband flew to New York for the transplant. Even after that, there was always a chance the new kidney could fail. Some kidneys are just rejected when put in. Others fail at all kinds of times after the transplant. The time of my husband's transplant was a very scary, uncertain period. Being in love helped get me through. And more than four years later, the donated kidney is still in his body, doing its job. In order to be able to keep the kidney, my husband is on immunosuppressants. Even now, he has to be extra careful to protect himself from illness and ensure the kidney remains. There are a number of foods he cannot eat and activities he cannot do, because of the risks.

My husband is reading a book called On Romantic Love. Aloud, he read a passage to me about how love involves seeing things that are not there. That might not be you, and it is not him, but yes, it is what I experience. He looked at me longingly with his beautiful eyes and I imagined sparkling pastel colors dancing around his head like the flecks of sunlight on rippling water.