READ-IE MCREADFACE'S RHETORIC
Thank you for joining me on this call today, Marjorie — uhm, looks like Tea. Interesting.
You understand that your boss's boss's boss has more on her plate than memorizing everyone's name.
In any sense, it's nice to meet you. I'll be reviewing your 100-day progress report. We'll discuss milestones and leave with an action plan as you integrate into becoming a more valued family member.
I've talked with a few of my underlings to get a feel for who Marjorie Tea really is. They've given me great feedback on how driven you are — a real go-getter. That's what our org needs — a Marjorie Tea willing to put in the grind — be it evenings, weekends, or mid-labor.
Can't help but notice those FMLA vacation days you took, Greedy McGreedster. We're looking forward to seeing you take less advantage of things like that, Loophole Lucy. We are doubling our headcount this quarter, after a super-planned-in-advance, nothing-to-worry-about 88% workforce reduction last month, so efficiency matters. We're stretched thinner than our board's favorite politician's morals at a hush-hush mega-donor fundraiser in international waters, so we need to be firing on all cylinders. You are a team player, correct?
And now that you've forced my hand onto the topic of efficiency, let me tell you where you can improve the most — focusing on what we tell you to do. We've invested a lot of money and time into grooming each layer of our Lego sandcastle. We have absolute visionaries guiding us. The last thing we need is a bunch of lowest rungs, a Marjorie Tea, acting like an MBA and 15 years experience earns you the privilege to share your professional opinion. Your 14-second whining took time away from my very important photo slideshow of our last executive retreat — Edward 40 Hands, epic!
We value your opinions about helping the customer find what they want and fixing our website so a transaction can be completed. Our current strategy to nudge potential marks towards calling in so they can be upsold has surprisingly lifted me from the worst company-wide performer — live to fight another day. We've spent billions training actual parrots to recite the perfect script. Labor laws are super lax in the avian world. Yes, all year-over-year revenue numbers have plummeted, but revenue per transaction shows real promise of turning green.
Which brings me to our next subject — KPI's. Yes, we have dashboards for everything from number of products viewed to time spent on each page. Do yourself a favor and forget about that massive spreadsheet you accidentally opened. I understand that a file named what_the_losers_do_with_their_time seems catchy. Just know that we get a little silly with naming conventions since we use so many. It's part of our fun culture. Time_spent_on_the_crapper is there because we care. Like a fancy smart watch, if we see irregularity, we'll gently notify you — and your chain of supervisors.
Understand that we consider you family, but also understand that families need insurance. Listen to your superiors when we tell you that your job should be so automated, that any new person could drop into your seat without us missing a beat. We're not implying that all we need is a warm body. If you do a good enough job, we'll most likely replace Marjorie Tea with some code. That's what we do with innovation!
In the essence of efficiency, I have to step away from unimportant matters. Next quarter's executive retreat isn't going to plan itself. Since I don't have time for feedback from Little Miss Look at Me, Marjorie Tea, I'll assume everything is good on your end. Remember that my door is always open. If I'm ever in my office again, maybe we can sync up.
Jello shots, bitches!!! I'm done motivating Marjorie Tea to stay in line. Talk about needy.
Let's get this party started! Just pour the Louis XIII on my face. It's on the company's dime. Shit, I thought I hung up.
And as always, keep on learnin'.
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