Ciggy butts coming at ya

Landlords catch a lot of flack, all while providing a bigger public service than they get credit for.

Example.

You're a student heading off to college. A virgin — I'm assuming since you're all whine and no action. You can't handle your alcohol and have no idea who you are.

Cue your first landlord — your first place. Instant swagger in your step. You're in the cut. Sure you have 17 roommates, but your corner of the fridge is stocked with marble Cheesestrings and you've even managed to convince a few people outside of your bloodline to see you naked. Heck, you're a half blown fornicator now!

You know what? Stop making this all about you, it's supposed to be about landlordial altruism.

Remember that time when you broke a beer bottle in the upstairs bathroom and threw the glass in the toilet? As a tenant you had the absurd freedom to keep flushing until the shitter overflowed and leaked through the floor into the kitchen below. The ceiling fan shot filthy water into your friends' dumb faces. Tongues stuck out like they were trying to catch a snowflake while dancing and flicking the light switch like a rave! Remember?

Try Landlording that.

Or how about when you ran out of firewood for the fire you weren't allowed to have, so you just pulled the fence down and tossed it in?

Without your landlord you wouldn't know the serenity of never paying a single bill outside of the unlimited internet upgrade you need to binge watch two dudes squish their dicks in a plexiglass vice, high out of your god damn mind.

I can go on and on, but I don't have to. You're already reminiscing all the bullshit you pulled back when YOLO was in your top 500 words.

You're old now and can't afford a house. But who's fault is it that you can't even save a dime?

You just have to have the gloves with the touchscreen fingers so you can stand at the bus stop and add red face emojis to to the latest billionaires misadventures. The world is full of injustices and your landlord is just one more patriarchal force with his foot on your neck.

I get it. It's hard out there for a gangster. But we need to redirect your anger from the landlord and on to a more deserving target like your leaf blowing neighbor.

I know you're not the bad guy for putting an entire pot of burnt rice in the dishwasher. That would be a nightmare to wash in the sink! And seven months for him to address the clog is bordering on your right to peaceful enjoyment of the property.

But what's worse? That or trying to enjoy your hangover Sunday morning when a jar full of cig butts gets launched over the fence at you?

How can she prove those were yours? Is she a doing DNA tests over there in between compost cycles? I doubt it. She needs to grow up.

Just remember, next time you're laid out in a bean bag chair hand bombing your junk, your landlord is up on the roof hand bombing wet leaves out of the eavestrough.

Maybe throw the old guy a wink. He is on your side after all. He lived here for years putting up with that old bag. Why do you think he carries the gutter crud across roof and chucks it in her yard?

I hear on the low he's trying to run her out so he can buy her place cheap and build a townhouse complex! He's no dummy. He knows with you as a tenant, property values are way down.

Seems a bit predatory, but what side of history do you want to be on?

The winning side!

Land developers are heartless, but you and I both know you'd turn a blind eye if it means you can watch a bulldozer creak slowly through her porch. The one where she sits and horse eyes your every move.

So who's the real villain? The flowerpot staring at your innocent dog taking an piss on her lawn? Or the old guy who manages to fix everything around the house with only a pair of pliers and a flathead screwdriver?

I'll let you decide. I better get off this bean bag and get back to work. It's the first of the month and I don't have the rent.

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