Sex that you can't say no to usually isn't great. Before you come at me, we all understand consent and the right to say no, but when you're having an affair, it isn't always so easy to say no to your spouse.

Call it duty sex. For some, it's one of the most dreaded costs of having an affair. Having sex to keep your spouse off your trail. What makes it horrible is when you're lover is so much better in bed.

We do it. We regret it. We're thankful it doesn't happen that often. When it does happen, we hold our breaths and try to play happy while getting it over with.

I looked at how other cheaters fell about it. And the result? Not surprising. I am thankful I don't have this challenge, but not everyone is so lucky.

Trapped and Dirty

A woman married for a quarter of a century opened up like this, "I'm one year into my first affair." she began, "It's long-distance, so our intimate moments are spaced out. I've had other liaisons before this, but they were just physical, no emotional connection. This time, I'm deeply in love with my affair partner. I've been avoiding intimacy with my husband because to be honest, he annoys the fuck out of me. This recent encounter with him made me realize that maybe this marriage is over. I took a drive just to scream because I felt so trapped and honestly dirty for being intimate with my husband. Am I alone in feeling this way after being with the man I married?"

Sarah, another cheater who shared her story, "Because we no longer get along, I realized that the affair I was in was an exit affair. I was done with my husband and needed to move on. I just couldn't let him touch me anymore. Once I reached the point of taking drives just to scream, I knew it was time for a divorce." She wasn't alone.

Emily shared, "I only have sex with my husband once every few years, but when I do, I feel gross afterwards." This sentiment, though deeply personal, is one that many can relate to.

No regaining gratification

David provided a contrasting perspective, highlighting the differences between his spouse and his affair partner. "After being with someone that fulfills everything you wanted, hoped, and desired, it's very difficult to regain any level of gratification with a spouse," he reflected. "Especially if your spouse has done things that question your worth."

Where does this feel come from?

Why does sex with the spouse you shared years of your life with suddenly feel disgusting? For some, it's the realization that they've outgrown the relationship.

Lisa shared her perspective, "Meeting my affair partner was the final motivation I needed to leave a marriage with someone I really didn't even like anymore. I did it entirely for myself."

For others, it's the contrast between the passion they feel with their affair partner and the lack of it in their marriage. Mike expressed, "After having an affair partner match your energy and desire you for who you truly are, it raises the bar so high. The unfortunate side effect is that you now realize how fulfilling a relationship can be and how it feels lacking at home."

Anna, too, mentioned this, "After experiencing the energy and connection with my affair partner, being with my husband feels like a chore. It's more than just being present; it's about genuine connection."

This is the duty sex you do to keep your other life secret. The sort of sex that is more soul-destroying than cheating.

Lucas noted the changing dynamics in his marriage, "After having an affair, they set the bar so high. It's a stark reminder of what's missing every time I'm with my wife."

Ella, on the other hand, shared her internal conflict, "Every time I'm with my husband, I have to remind myself to act 'normal' so as not to raise suspicions. It feels like I'm living a double life, and the guilt and resentment just compound the issue."

Takeaways

Duty sex with a spouse can feel bad for a lot of reasons. You could be in love with your affair partner and not your spouse and feel like you're betraying them. The dead fish sex, on the other hand, can make you realize your marriage is over.

When it's not there anymore, it's not there.

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023