Author's note — This is one of the chapters from my new book. To know more about my book, visit here —

https://dipanshurawal.medium.com/read-my-new-book-live-f3e9c7a215a4

24 September 2019. My 23rd birthday.

I was in Dharamshala, India on a solo trip. Dharamshala is the place of H.H. Dalai Lama's temple.

Roaming those streets on my birthday, I saw so many monks doing their day-to-day rituals; praying, eating, talking, etc. I entered the temple and saw a couple of monks praying and chanting.

For the first time in my life, I saw "peace". All those monks had peace on their faces. I thought you could only feel peace. I was wrong.

I wanted that. I really, desperately, impatiently wanted that peace in my life.

1 week before my birthday, my girlfriend broke up with me.

1 day before my trip, my boss fired me for not coming to the office on a Sunday.

I was broke and broken. Literally.

I was in shock. My mind was blank, trying to contemplate what just happened. And then I went on this trip.

That look on those monks' faces… I wanted that. That peace. That calm. That smile.

I decided I'll be a monk.

It wasn't a snap of a decision. I remember joking about it. I'd tell my friends when I'm 29 I'll either be a monk, or I'll take a mini-retirement to raise my daughter. Either-or kind of situation. You see, I've loved extremities since the beginning.

Love wasn't working out for me. I always felt I'm a detached person. Better serve people wearing robes, than to continue suffering being who I was not. That's what I thought at that moment.

I had tried multiple relationships, long-term, long-distance, casual, serious, friends with benefits, one-night stands, etc., and nothing worked for me. Every time I failed, I'd feel I lost a part of my heart.

I thought maybe this wasn't meant for me.

Monkhood seemed doable. I'd be away from relationships and attachments, focused on serving humanity. I wanted to serve people. I still am focused on that goal.

I knew this would be a long-term journey, and I needed to start small. I came back from the trip and made a list — a list of qualities and habits monks have.

Here's a screenshot from my journal entry —

I started practicing these characteristics one by one, day by day, including abstaining from romantic relationships.

Yes, even when my current partner, the love of my life, approached me in July 2020, I said "No, I'm not available". I was that much determined to be a monk.

I read more books by modern monks and started researching the paths of becoming a monk. I talked to a few of my friends about this too, should I follow the Buddhist path or the Hindu path of becoming a monk, etc.

In case you're interested in book recommendations, here are the four books I recommend you to read if you want to understand Buddhism in today's world of social media and technological advances —

1. The Best Way to Catch a Snake
2. No Mud, No Lotus
3. The Art of Happiness
4. Mind Full to Mindful

More detail about these books can be found here —

My conversation with the Buddhist monk

On 11 September 2020, after practicing these characteristics for about a year, I met a Buddhist monk Karma Yeshe Rabgye. He was kind enough to sit with me for 2 hours, listen to me, and offer me his wisdom and guidance.

Here's a brief of the dialogue I had with him —

Me — "Lama Ji, I'm a life coach right now. I've been trying to live my life like a monk for about a year now. I made a list of qualities I think monks have and I'm practicing those qualities every day. I'm nowhere perfectly following them, but I feel I'm ready to go all in. I want to be a monk. I'm not satisfied with this worldly cycle of chasing money and attachments. I want to continue serving people and get trained in monkhood. Please show me the path."

Him — "Well, that's good you're helping people being a life coach. I understand your dissatisfaction with money and human attachments. Before we move forward to talk about being a monk, I want to ask you — if you want to continue serving humanity, would you rather do it in robes, or in your current attire of a t-shirt and a jean? Both of these attires impact people differently."

Me — "That's a really good point, Lama Ji. I never thought about it. Thank you. If I say I'm willing to try doing it in robes, what could be the way to do it?"

Him — "You could get trained in Theravada Buddhism. And maybe stay with monks for a few weeks or months before taking this lifelong decision. Talk to more monks, you'll get a more clear picture of monkhood. Right now in this pandemic, I'm not sure many monasteries would be open to accepting guest stays. For now, I'd ask you to practice these 4 activities every day. By the end of 6 months, you yourself will get a definitive idea of whether you want to be a monk or not."

The 4 daily activities he recommended me were —

1. Morning meditation practice. Specifically, analytical meditation. Start by taking some deep and slow breaths to calm your mind and then analyzing your emotional and mental state.
2. Acts of service. Looking at whatever you do as an act of service. Plus, taking out regular time to serve others in the best way possible.
3. Practicing non-violence. For months, I did this prayer every night — "I pray my actions, words, or thoughts must not harm anyone."
4. Daily reflection. Doing it via meditation or journal and closely analyzing how the day went, what could have been better, and what to change tomorrow.

Lama Ji did ask me about my family situations, went deeper into my reason for chasing monkhood, and so much more. For the sake of briefing a 2-hour conversation here, I mentioned the relevant parts here only.

Whatever reasons I had for becoming a monk, Lama Ji gave me counter opinions and made me question all those reasons.

I did follow these 4 activities every day for 6 months, and guess what! I had my answer by the end of those 6 months. Yes, I too feel Lama Ji is a magical human.

In February 2021, while working with my then coach Aparna Gautam, I discovered so many hidden parts of myself.

I realized my reason for chasing monkhood was a fear-based decision, and it felt like I was running away from all the hardships this worldly life has to offer me.

I didn't want to be the person who would run away from hardships. That's against my values.

That's when I decided to drop this idea of becoming a monk.

Will I ever be a monk? I don't really know.

Have I stopped chasing this journey? YES, for sure.

This was also the time when I decided to date again. After about 1.5 years of being intentionally single.

I let love enter my life again.

Being vulnerable with someone was scary because then they'd have the power to hurt you. Distancing yourself from everyone was safe and easy for me.

This was a scary decision and I'm glad I chose love over fear. I'll share more about my journey and lessons around love and dating in the latter part of the book.

I don't regret chasing that life for 1.5 years. Well, I was definitely disappointed in the beginning, but I made peace with my decision.

Living a monk-like life made me so much more patient and peaceful in my mind. I used this as a coaching model too in my coaching program.

I'd ask my clients to name 3 people they admire and idolize, and I'd ask them to think about the qualities these people would have. My clients would enlist all those qualities and post them somewhere on the wall, as their desktop and mobile home screen wallpaper, wherever they could see those qualities multiple times a day.

This activity has been a super-exciting journey for my coaching clients.

Well, this is your own life. Wouldn't you want to decide who you want to be? If you like someone

My coaching activity for you

Name 3 people you idolize and admire. They could be someone from your immediate friend circle, your teacher, or even a celebrity. Write down their qualities, non-negotiables, characteristics, habits, etc.

Obviously, if you've named a celebrity, you may not know so much about them. Do some research from google and make your best guess.

Paste this list of qualities and habits on a wall, or digitalize it as your mobile wallpaper. Keep a check on what you're missing from the list.

In technical life coaching terms, some coaches call this activity "modeling", as in you're modeling your idols.

What are the qualities you want to focus on in the next 3–6 months?