#ELONFOREVER
After vaguely skimming our loyal customer feedback, Twitter has updated our already impeccable terms and conditions. Sorry, this isn't Elon Musk writing this update. I'm also not someone who has just been called back to work after accidentally getting fired. I'm just someone who will be fired minutes after updating the terms and conditions.
They are:
You can't block Elon Musk's Twitter account. You can. But if you do, by default, your account will be permanently suspended without prior warning.
If you desperately want to block Elon without any consequence, that costs $80 a month. (We personally believe it's worth every penny.)
Paying $80 a month also gives you five color ticks next to your name — blue, red, green, pink, and royal blue.
And the best part is — we will not verify your identity at any cost. We genuinely don't care who you are.
Elon, as you know, recently freed the bird which became more prominent than the Free the nipple campaign. But now? He misses the bird. Badly.
We don't know where the bird is. If you can tell us the whereabouts of that bird, you can block Elon Musk's Twitter account for free forever — without any consequences. Also, you'll be allowed to impersonate Elon's account without mentioning parody next to your name or even in your bio. #catchthefriggingbird
You must use these 6 hashtags — #eloniscool #elonishilarious #ibelieveinelon #elonislove #elonislife #elonforever in all your tweets no matter how irrelevant it is. If you fail to use them, your tweets will not be sent. However, the unsent tweets will be fortunately saved automatically in your drafts in case you choose to bend your knee later.
Using the above hashtags consumes exactly 81 characters. Now that you're left with 59 characters — which should be more than enough for a tweet — compose your tweet accordingly.
Before you ask, you must use those 6 hashtags in all of your tweets — even if you're starting a prolonged thread under your tweet. The same applies to your replies to anyone's tweet. Just do it and get used to it.
You don't have to use those hashtags in all your private DMs. He's not a narcissist.
If you can't even pay $8 to get a blue tick next to your name, we understand, you're poor. Because we like to say the word inclusion, you'll be automatically, and fittingly, assigned a doughnut emoji next to your name — for free. For example — Srini 🍩
If you use any gif of Elon Musk in your tweets, you will receive 9999 likes and 10000 retweets within a second on all those tweets without fail. Our sophisticated bots are exemplary at their job. Unlike all those humans we just fired.
Whoever uses the most Elon gifs every month will get a 0.0001% special discount on the purchase of your sixth Tesla.
Please be respectful of your fellow Twitter users — even if they don't have any color tick marks. Abuse them only if you absolutely have to.
Tweeting nice things about Twitter, SpaceX, Tesla, Inc., and The Boring Company is both allowed and highly encouraged.
If any of you tweet that Elon is an inept businessman, don't think for a second that you're getting away easily. Since there are so many of you, we're taking rigorous actions one by one.
Comedy is still legal on Twitter. We decide if it's funny or not. (#elonishilarious does, duh!)
You aren't allowed to mention "free speech" in any of your tweets. Our eagle-eyed bots are watching you.
We'll keep updating the terms and conditions every two days in reaction to your reaction. Keep up or suffer the consequences!
By using Twitter, you acknowledge that Twitter is by far the most accurate source of information about the universe.
If you don't acknowledge it wholeheartedly, your tick mark or donut emoji will be replaced with a clown emoji next to your name — free of cost. For example — Srini 🤡
Elon doesn't need therapy. Our smart bots say — you do.
There is life outside Twitter. Jesus!!
Wouldn't you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini
A special thanks to the comedic genius T. Kent Jones for his astute editing and his exemplary jokes.
Falling in love with Srini? Read these to forget him for good:
