average. indifferent. ordinary. moderate.

Do you ever think, "why am I capable of so much but haven't mastered anything?" or "I can do anything, but there are always people who can do it better?"

these thoughts arise because we're often taught to be "the best", to be "top of the top", and to be competitive in many areas. This becomes natural even when we're surrounded by high achievers and raised in a good environment.

but life is a cycle. sometimes we're on top, and sometimes we're on the brink of despair.

in school, I had overall good grades in subjects — math, social, arts, literature. While I didn't get straight A, I mostly had good grades. good enough to help me accepted in universities. however, I never truly mastered any single subject. I just knew how to get by and perform well in exams. unlike some friends who could tutor others or compete in academic competitions, I just exist with good grades. people wouldn't say things like "she's amazing at math" or "ask her about biology" or "she's talented artist". It was more like "you're smart" or "your writing is good".

simply put, I was — am — a mediocre.

it's not even a case of being a "jack all of trades, master of none", because in reality is even less than that. from the first place, I didn't know or realized that it is important — at some point — to have specific skill or pursuing passion. I just tried my best without truly considering my interest or talents.

I've tried many things, but there's always a "but". I write in English, but my vocabulary isn't advanced. I've painted on canvases and explore digital art, but my work is just average and lacks personal style. I learned basic ukulele chord but never progressed further. I work in IT field, but it doesn't spark any real interest in me. I've tried sculpting, bead-works, game, but everything remain just average. My bookshelf is full with novels, but I don't write reviews or join book community.

while some might see my diverse experiences as uncommon, I don't feel they've significantly benefited me. it saddens me that I haven't been able to pour out my full potential.

I just be potential, never be passionate.

consistency is a key, and that's something I lack.

and end up being a mediocre.

there have been times when I've been disappointed in myself for failing to meet my own expectation. I'd make grand plans, but the execution was disastrous. I'd overestimate my abilities, resulting in disappointment. there will always be someone better, and I'm not complaining because their expertise keeps thing running smoothly. it's no wonder I'm often seen as the second choice and not fully trusted.

I need to find the right path. it's a difficult search, and I'm still on the journey. in the meantime, I'm learning to accept being an ordinary.

being mediocre affords me some space and time to slow down, after all. maybe there are others out there who are content with living a peaceful life, blending into the background, simply existing without caught up in the daily grind. some people might not even think about these things at all.

being mediocre isn't inherently bad. it can be a choice.

or maybe, it's just simply living.