STEM PARENTING

A genius. That's what I was called as a child.

My story is the same as many other academically gifted children, especially girls. I was quiet, disciplined, obedient. I didn't have many friends and I liked to study, so I excelled in school. I was used to achieving success without having to put in much effort, and when life happened and I had to face difficulties for the first time, I crumbled down.

The narrative I was raised with was that of talent: I was born intelligent, so I had no merit for my victories, but double the fault when I failed. Other kids should be praised when they overcame obstacles, because that was the result of their effort; other kids should be excused when they failed, because they just weren't as gifted as I was.

Together with many children from my generation, I was a victim of the "fixed mindset," that is, the conviction that success depends primarily on talent or intelligence, on innate virtues that cannot be acquired later in life. Either you've got what it takes or not.

Fortunately, in recent decades, this myth has been busted, and the popularization of psychology has contributed to the rise of the "growth mindset," that is, the acknowledgment that effort, rather than talent, is the root of success.

Hard work and dedication get us further in life than genetic gifts alone, and we should raise our children to recognize the importance of putting in effort and consistency rather than blaming their failures on bad luck or lack of talent.

This is obviously a positive change. Being told, "You've worked hard and now you've succeeded!" strengthens confidence and self-efficacy much more than hearing, "You're so smart!" again and again. When things get tough and being smart is no longer enough (because, sooner or later, it happens to everyone), you'll remember that it was hard work that led you there, and you'll trust your ability to overcome obstacles rather than freeze and feel powerless.

I am a fan of the growth mindset. Yet, lately I've been observing a trend that worries me, that is, the overemphasis on effort. Social media and blog posts celebrate a lifestyle centered on discipline and consistency to achieve personal and professional goals, be it about fitness, studies, or office performance. We romanticize to-do lists and waking up at 5 am, and we encourage each other to "keep showing up."

Somewhere down the way, our societal hyper-fixation on productivity and "life hacks" has turned honest appreciation for effort into a narrative that makes us feel less in control and more guilty for our shortcomings at the same time.

I can't help but wonder: Are we turning the growth mindset into yet another trap? And what should we be aware of when discussing success and accomplishments with our children or students, but especially with ourselves?

Same effort, different results

Recognizing that hard work can play a vital role in achieving success doesn't equal denying that such a thing as natural preferences or individual characteristics exists.

Let's go for an extreme example: Olympic athletes. They train consistently and intensely for years, even decades. But that doesn't mean that everyone who does becomes one of the best in the world.

Sure, they also follow strict diets and are supported by a team of trainers and physicians. Yet, no combination of trainers and coaches could turn me into Simone Biles!

But that's admittedly an extreme example, so here's another one. As a maths and language teacher, I've seen a lot of students struggle. Some of them were just not interested in the subject and didn't work at all to improve. But others did. And if I said that all the ones who put in effort achieved the same results or improved equally, I'd be lying.

The important caveat written in fine print whenever we talk about the role of hard work is that effort just doesn't look the same for everyone. Some children need to put in a lot more effort than others to succeed in a certain subject or activity. And there isn't always a clear and definite explanation for this, such as a shaky foundation in the early school years, a lack of motivation and confidence, or bad study strategies.

It makes sense to praise our children for their effort, but it's also important to be honest: the relationship between effort and success is more complicated than just a direct correlation. Children can work hard and still fail or succeed partially.

Working harder won't solve a flawed system

Regarding effort as a vital part of what it takes to succeed automatically implies the opposite, that is, if you don't succeed, you didn't work hard enough.

That's not always the case. There are tens of different reasons why, despite putting in effort, things can go wrong. Some of those are individual or circumstantial: a teacher who doesn't change their mind about us even when we improve, an exam that is tougher than we prepared for, or simply a bad day. Others are systemic: children with health problems, family difficulties, and a disadvantaged socio-economic background don't have access to the same quantity and type of stimuli and chances as other kids.

While some parents have the time, the means, and the possibility to take care of their children, to provide them with healthy food, a safe and quiet space, intelligent and educational books or toys, and a support network of grandparents, babysitters and educators, other families can't do that. Inequalities exist, and treating effort as the only variable that plays a role in success is incorrect and hypocritical.

If a child skips school because they need to be hospitalized frequently due to a chronic disease, their effort might not be enough to compensate for all the measures the school system doesn't put into place to help them catch up. If a child comes home to an empty house and has to look after themselves and their younger siblings, they might not perform as well as children who are supported by a tutor, even if they do their best.

Yes, it is possible to overcome incredible difficulties, to regard obstacles as challenges and to use them to strengthen our will and character. But let's not pretend context doesn't exist and expect exceptional and inspiring tales to be the rule.

Most importantly, let's not dismiss complex societal problems as "kids these days not working hard enough."

Redefining our goals

If you're not able to turn writing into a business, you're not putting in enough effort. If you're not able to run at professional levels and win races, you're not putting in enough effort.

Let's pretend for a moment that hard work is really all it takes. Still, who says I want to monetize writing? Who says I want to win races?

Maybe I just want to write when I feel like doing it. Maybe I just run because I like being outdoors and feeling the sun on my face, and I don't give a damn about races.

Emphasizing effort often leads us to forget to ask the crucial question: what is it we want? What are we really aiming for?

The key to success is a combination of effort, motivation, and confidence. Constantly encouraging children to do their best doesn't work because nobody can give their 100% to everything all the time. We only have a set amount of energy, not to mention time, money, and concentration, and that's even truer for children and teenagers. We can't expect them to be excellent students, impeccable athletes, engaged artists, and so on. They need to rest, they need to cultivate their social skills, and they also need to learn that sometimes it's perfectly okay to do things just well enough to get by.

Hard work is a powerful ally, but should never be confused with perfectionism. You speak bad Spanish? Great! You can only play a couple of simple songs on your piano? Cool! Have fun. Mess around. If and when you want to get serious with something, you'll have a clear goal, and you'll be ready to go all in on that.

Adults are already aware of the dangers of productivity at all costs: many of us turned our free time into yet another to-do list, our hobbies into side hustles, and are now overwhelmed not just by work and family responsibilities, but by a pile of incomplete projects that are only adding to our stress. "Life hacks" only look good on social media. Let's not push the same distorted mindset on our kids.

Effort is anything but natural

It's true that we can reach our goals by working hard. But if we keep repeating it, we risk forgetting how hard effort really is. If everybody — parents, teachers, social media, blog posts — insists on how effort can lead us anywhere, those of us who struggle to find the motivation and be consistent will start thinking they're just wired wrong. If working hard is so important, why can't I focus on my math homework? Why can't I respect deadlines? Why can't I just be disciplined?

Spoiler: none of us can. Because we're human, and our brain is biologically wired to save energy and ensure our survival with as little effort as possible. Effort is counterintuitive! Forcing ourselves to study or work, to learn foreign languages, to sweat in the gym, to overcome obstacles to obtain delayed gratification is something rational that we purposely do, and as such, doesn't just come naturally.

For some of us, it's slightly less difficult to sustain effort and concentration over time, depending on a variety of factors: how much we care about hitting those goals, how confident we are that we can actually get there, and what our habits and stress factors are. For some of us, it's particularly difficult, especially if we're teenagers, neurodivergent, or not used to working for a long-term objective.

This doesn't mean we should give up, but we should be aware of how hard it is and cut ourselves some slack if we aren't on top of our game the whole time.

So yeah, let's work hard, but let's not pretend it's easy.

Final take

When I was a kid, I thought I had no control over my path in life: all I could do was try to be smart enough and fear the day I wouldn't be up to the challenge.

Later in life, I learned that hard work and a humble mindset are more helpful than a smart brain when it comes to academic and professional achievements.

However, I also watched other students struggle despite all the effort they put in. Some of them only began to flourish once they found their niche. I also saw brilliant young men and women waste their talent away because of their laziness or lack of motivation and clear goals.

As a teacher, I try my best not just to tell my learners about the importance of effort, but to lead them by example. I keep learning languages and sharing my progress and my difficulties so that they know that we're all the same: we're all beginners at something.

But if we don't want to turn the growth mindset into another guilt trip that forces us to chase an impossible standard of productivity, it's important to also make it clear that hard work is not all there is. That we also need a supportive environment, a good level of confidence and motivation, an authentic passion, and often a bit of luck to succeed.

That failing doesn't mean you're not talented, but it doesn't always mean you didn't work hard enough either. Sometimes, failure helps you understand you're following the wrong path, or you need more support. Sometimes, failure just tells you that you need more time.

And sometimes, we should forget about failure and success altogether, and ask ourselves what we really want.

Thanks for reading!

You can find me on Substack with a weekly newsletter on words, language learning, and Italian culture: https://substack.com/@fedeminozzi