Back when we were teenagers, my BFF Nick and I used to amuse ourselves by making up dumb shit and taping it on cassettes. Nick added overdubs and music, which of course increased the production value and LOL factor exponentially.
We wasted a lot of time doing this crap. Most of it is still pretty funny, so it wasn't time wasted. But nothing we conjured up can surpass the grand fuckery we produced at Christmastime.
Some Yuletide highlights included The Little Bummer Boy (wee noisy bastard never stops complaining), the Fezziwigs from "A Christmas Carol" getting down to the Bee Gees, and George Bailey's manic and graphic description to Uncle Billy about what they could expect if sent to prison. Ew.
All solid gold.
But my favorite of all is "The Twelve Sexually Transmitted Diseases of Christmas" from 1984. Hands down, no question.
So here's the behind-the-scenes story:
Many Decembers ago, two 19-year-olds, PeaceNick and the Plastic Copeland Band (that would be us) created this heartwarming take on the "Twelve Days Of Christmas" in my basement. It immediately became a beloved classic to our five fans (including ourselves), and it's just not Christmas until I hear it.
So behold our masterpiece, our legacy, the zenith of our joint creative awesomeness.
Feel free to sing along!
THE 12 SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES OF CHRISTMAS
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pain whenever I pee.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
4 rashes red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
5 STDs!
4 rashes red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
6 boils-a-popping
5 STDs!
4 rashes red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
7 sperms-a-swimming
6 boils-a-popping
5 STDs!
4 rashes red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
8 scabs-a-bleeding
7 sperms-a-swimming
6 boils-a-popping
5 STDs!
4 rashes red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
9 groins-a-throbbing
8 scabs-a-bleeding
7 sperms-a-swimming
6 boils-a-popping
5 STDs!
4 rashes red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
10 painful pimples
9 groins-a-throbbing
8 scabs-a-bleeding
7 sperms-a-swimming
6 boils-a-popping
5 STDS!
4 rashes-red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
11 crabs-a-leaping
10 painful pimples
9 groins-a-throbbing
8 scabs-a-bleeding
7 sperms-a-swimming
6 boils-a-popping
5 STDs!
4 rashes red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
And a pain whenever I pee.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
12 itchy crotches
11 crabs-a-leaping
10 painful pimples
9 groins-a-throbbing
8 scabs-a-bleeding
7 sperms-a-swimming
6 boils-a-popping
5 STDs!
4 rashes red
3 yeast infections
2 open lesions
(dramatic pause)
And A PAIN WHENEVER I PEEEEEEEEE
A Nick and Kathy/Plastic Copeland Band Production
That rousing "5 STDs!" still gets me right here decades later.
Another treasured Christmas tradition is making Nick find the damn lyrics every year because I'd lose them without fail. Every. Facking. Year. You could bet the farm on it. These are the risks one takes befriending a person with ADHD.
He'd implore me not to send him on the hunt again and he wasn't above whining to express his displeasure, but he'd still excavate it for me every December. It was a small price to pay. For me, anyway.
So, to soothe Nick's frayed nerves, I've immortalized it here to save it for posterity. What a gal, huh?