self-reflection

9. How can you pilgrimage your way back into remembrance?

This reflection essay #9 is the easiest of all, so far — I'm a story gather. I have collected the family lore, all my life. I found true joy sitting in my spot amongst the family tableau looking at the old slides. Having my Uncle bring out the cardboard box full of the old family photos and telling what he remembered of these stern-looking relatives in the photos was a tradition each time we visited. Same photos, same stories, I loved to hear over and over. [truth be told the photo of Great Aunt Lillie, born 1872, scared the bee-gee-bers out of me)* I cherished hearing the family stories over and again, on family vacations, at Thanksgiving, and the horribly long week when we gathered by Mom's death bed regaling her with all the tales we each recalled.

I expanded my family lore collection to my ancestors. I was always curious about what threads of their lives, what habitual legacies did I/we Chryst family inherit? I discover in my walk back through time our familial code of conduct, a stern, resolute "I will survive with integrity" comes from a suicide of a Civil War Soldier whose mother died when he was but 2 years of age.

I amble back a little further and find the legacy my great-grand inherited from a great-great-great-grand who survived the French King's scorched-earth purging of Protestants for their lands in Alsace, France/Germany/Switzerland (it's been all three!). Land my family tended for 1000s of years. A place where they found a personal relationship with God not needing a priest or pope to interpret. Even wearing with pride the label "Cross-man" which eventually became my name with a "y."

The courage of my convictions rides deep in my DNA. I took a genetic marker test that followed a mitochondria pathway deep into human time. I find out that my DNA is among the first to migrate and find better grounds to tend when necessary. My cut-and-run stress response is tens of thousands of years old. My solution-for-every-problem belief bubbles from a DNA well as old as time. Recently my current self has been tracking my ancient self like a bloodhound. I moved to Upstate NY for work nearly 20 years ago. My present-day family still wonders why NY? Repeatedly they remark "We have no connection there-no family."

Turns out I landed a mere 20 minutes from the gravesite of the Founder of our bloodline here in the Americas. And turns out I have hundreds of relatives once or twice removed surrounding me here in New York. Perhaps my brothers are responding to some old familial blood feud. One that had us get up and walk away from New York ultimately landing in Missouri.

And then I discover, when I lived in Switzerland some 38 years ago, I was but 147 miles from where my ancestors tended the vines, came to know God as a personal being. When I traveled Northwest in those lovely rolling hills I felt home — turns out I was, DNA-wise.

All of this backward reflection is a means to decide what to carry forward. I choose to carry forward the legacy of integrity, devotion, loyalty, hard work, resolute problem-solving.

I am sorry my DNA's journey ends with me, it has traveled such a long way. But I pass on what my bloodline has learned through the millennia by leaving a legacy in print.

Yesterday I discovered where my original American ancestor is buried. Today I pilgrimage to my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather's gravesite to stand near the bones from whence I sprang and give thanks.

*NOTE: Our family used the word "beegeebers" which is derived of "bejeebers", which is a derived from "be jesus." Not using the Lord's Name in Vain was a big deal to my rather non-religious mother.

If you'd like to try the 50 day self-reflection challenge the prompts are listed below as originally presented in Know thyself Heal Thyself publication (currently on a break). You can submit your reflections to Coffee Times (they have opened space for all the KTHT followers and writers). You can also submit to any of the many self-awareness friendly publications on medium.com

Check out the prompts originator's answer

The Challenge Prompts

1. How can you have compassion for your own trauma history while also holding yourself accountable for the ways you're harming yourself/others? 2. How does being endlessly understanding get in the way of true closeness? 3. How can you learn to forgive people for treating you poorly whilst continuing to uphold the boundaries you set in response to their poor treatment? 4. How can you learn to better communicate your needs instead of expecting others to interpret & respond to your mood? 5. How can you handle conflict in such a way that it yields intimacy and helps relationships grow? 6. How can you befriend solitude and learn to self-soothe through moments of loneliness? 7. How can you relieve yourself of the burden of trying to problem solve your way into a pain-free existence? 8. How can you start choosing your relationships based on their alignment with your needs? 9. How can you pilgrimage your way back into remembrance? 10. How can you revel within each moment of your temporary existence? 11. How can you begin to clearly hear which direction your soul is calling you in and find the courage to trust it? 12. How can you become more mindful of the way you handle composure vs. emotional expression? 13. How can practicing feeling your feelings fully, even when it is deeply uncomfortable, benefit you? 14. How can you actively train your capacity to receive and give love? 15. How can you liberate your fiercest, loving nature? 16. How can you give people space to absorb whatever they're experiencing without assumption, judgment or projection? 17. How can you wash away the idea that there is a certain standard that you have to exhibit to be enough? 18. How can you harvest love, good energy, and meaningful connections? 19. How can you honor a difficult situation before moving on from it? 20. How can you tend to your triggers with love? 21. What is the difference between compromising in a relationship and self abandoning for a relationship? 22. How can you allow yourself to be seen and held in your humanness? 23. How can you use your energy to imagine all the things that can go right instead of everything that might go wrong? 24. How can you escape from the loop of your past? 25. What if the wealthiest thing you can have right now is peace of mind? 26. How can you bring your outer world into alignment with your inner needs? 27. What would it be like to practice giving less and receiving more? 28. How can you learn to stop taking responsibility for alleviating the emotional discomfort of others? 29. In what ways do you allow people in your space to treat you poorly? 30. How can you stop trying to make someone else's growth happen on your timeline? 31. How can you practice letting yourself find proof that you are lovable? 32. What if no one else knows what they're doing either? 33. How can you find out if what you're holding on to is worth the space its taking up? 34. How can you begin to feel the power of your own presence? 35. How does being relentlessly kind to the parts of ourselves that fear being abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten to impact the way we've been wired for disconnection? 36. What if you can care about people without taking on all their problems? 37. How can you exercise your truth-speaking muscle? 38. What is the difference between difficult honesty and unkindness? 39. How can you take ownership of your inner saboteur? 40. How can you let the Earth hold you when you feel lost and alone? 41. What if you don't need to speed up the process of healing? 42. How can you become more willing to be wrong? 43. In what ways is listening to a sacred skill? 44. How can you trust your body whilst also challenging your mind? 45. How can you remain connected to yourself whilst being connected to others? 46. How can you move, sway and flow in the way your body wants to move? 47. In what ways is vulnerability the gateway to healing and connection? 48. How can a quiet communion with nature help you discover deep spiritual truths? 49. How can you avoid becoming addicted to changing yourself? 50. How can you let your heart do the talking in the face of fear?