Let's assume we're polishing a dark comedy that involves a kidnapping. A woman looks at an empty animal cage in her secluded barn and has an epiphany that it could hold a human.

It's a small, self-contained story, so we will rely on the actors and their talent—plenty of reaction shots and faces. We want to make the script a great read.

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎, 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚖𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚊 𝚍𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚐𝚛𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎: 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊.

It's possible to discern the act of thinking or an idea dawning on someone just from facial expressions. So, let's come up with a visual image that suggests thinking.

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎, 𝚏𝚞𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚠, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚞𝚍𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚊 𝚍𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚐𝚛𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚛: 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊.

"Furrows her brow" is sort of a cliché. Let's cut it, but if we keep, "she has an idea," we can replace the cliché with something shorter. How about one of these?

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊 𝚍𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚐𝚛𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚛: 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊.

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎. 𝙷𝚎𝚛 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗… 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊.

"Her eyes widen" is also a cliché, and the intent of "she has an idea" can be readily apparent, so let's replace them with a stylized semi-cheat (unfilmable):

𝙰𝚑𝚊.

𝙰 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚋𝚞𝚕𝚋 𝚖𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝.

Here are more visual and efficient rewrites of the original.

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊 𝚍𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚐𝚛𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚛: 𝙰𝚑𝚊, 𝚊𝚗 𝚎𝚙𝚒𝚙𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚢.

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎. 𝙷𝚎𝚛 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗… 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚋𝚞𝚕𝚋 𝚖𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝.

Our intent seems clear. This is a little more fun than the original, and we even trimmed some words.

Hurray! Crack the champagne. We are done rewriting this scene.

Or are we? I say no.

Let me put on my director's hat to explain why.

If I were to ask myself if I (or any director) wanted to direct this, my answer is simply no. Despite all the wrestling with words we did with the script, my job on the set will boil down to telling the actress, "Look at the cage." I want a scene that challenges and excites my DP, production designer, and sound artist.

Let me show you how I might adapt what we have to be more visually dynamic—more like a movie.

Looking for clues/visuals

The lightbulb idea has a visual component, so I want light to externalize her decision process. Although having a character pace is a cliché, some sort of blocking can illustrate her indecision. What about something like this?

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚋𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐, 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚗𝚘.

𝚆𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚜 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚖. 𝚃𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝. 𝙸𝚝R 𝚜 𝚙𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑-𝚋𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚔. 𝙷𝚎𝚛 𝙵𝙾𝙾𝚃𝚂𝚃𝙴𝙿𝚂 𝚏𝚊𝚍𝚎…

𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙲𝙻𝙾𝙼𝙿 𝙲𝙻𝙾𝙼𝙿 𝙲𝙻𝙾𝙼𝙿 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚎𝚛… 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚏𝚕𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚘𝚗… 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚜 𝚝𝚘𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎…

Here, her walking away from us and shutting out the light shows her initial rejection of an idea, but then the sound of the footsteps getting louder hints that the idea is gaining power.

In general, using a character's movement away from the camera to create a sense of no or reluctance makes sense because they diminish in the shot. Conversely, movement toward the camera can be a form of yes and engagement as the size of the character grows.

Turning on the light is literally a lightbulb moment expressing her openness to the idea.

Let's use blocking and visuals to clarify exactly what she's thinking for the audience. I also want to set up and accentuate the climactic moment.

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚜 𝚞𝚙 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚐𝚎, 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚛𝚜. 𝙶𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖, 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖: 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚍𝚘𝚗R 𝚝 𝚋𝚞𝚍𝚐𝚎.

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗… 𝚆𝙾𝚆… (𝙾𝚔𝚊𝚢, 𝚖𝚢 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚞𝚒𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚞𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚎.)

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚜 𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚣𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚛𝚜. 𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚒𝚙𝚜. 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚞𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚜 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚌𝚊𝚗R 𝚝 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑.

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚙𝚜 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔. 𝙰𝚑𝚊! 𝙰𝚗 𝚎𝚙𝚒𝚙𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚢.

𝙰 𝚍𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚐𝚛𝚒𝚗.

The action of trying to squeeze through the bars helps to convey the specific idea that this cage could hold a human. It allows the viewers to have their own lightbulb moment as their epiphany coincides with hers.

We used sound, light, blocking, setting, externalization of inner thoughts, surprises, clarity, and the actress's face to make the moment more understandable and emotionally impactful.

Rewriting is more than changing words or finding better phrasing. Consider an alternate approach to a scene from a big-picture perspective, where you change the concept or create a more visual and cinematic experience.

Remember, a director and screenwriter share the same goal—to tell a story with images and sounds—but on different canvasses. As the writer, think like a director to find visuals that reveal character and tell your story.

Follow Screenwriting & Storytelling.

Thanks to Esme Harlow for her editing prowess.