G-STRINGS AND WRINKLE CREAMS

I'm turning 36 in a few short weeks. The wrong side of 30 — or as my husband refers to it "middle-aged if you're lucky." Bless him.

I know a lady never tells her age but why the hell not?

I'm proud of growing up a millennial kid. I survived scurvy on the Oregon Trail, Y2K, and I was a single mom to three Tamagotchis and a Giga Pet. I never once wore a seatbelt in the backseat of my mom's minivan so you can stop saying I led a sheltered childhood.

I confess once I reached my 30s, I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to dress or act. It only got worse when I had kids.

I was playing dead on my front lawn to my daughter's sadistic delight when I stopped to wonder if my parents ever did such a thing when they were my age. Did Mom get stuck trying to cram her body through my pajamas and need to cut them off when I was two or am I just not aging properly?

My severe aversion to maturing means I can't seem to figure out how to dress my age — which may explain that whole "needing to be cut out of a Paw Patrol nightgown" incident. I've been told my style is "middle schooler meets nursing home chic."

Yes, I'd like to continue wearing my flowery overalls with electric neon pink tops underneath. And yes, I enjoy the Liz Claiborne sweaters my 90-year-old grandmother graciously passes on once she deems them out of style.

Today, I tried to figure out how to get myself on track to acting like a 36-year-old mother of two. I got nowhere.

Before I can start making changes, I have questions:

• Can I still wear my short shorts overalls?
• Can I continue belting out the lyrics to Disney songs in casual conversation? It would be a damn shame if I couldn't sing "Just around the river bend!" whenever someone asks for directions. A damn shame.
• How much cheese is an acceptable amount of cheese to eat in one sitting? Please answer in blocks.
• Is it age appropriate to sing "Reptar, Reptar, gotta find that Reptar" every time I lose my keys?
• Do I have to stop using Hanson's "MMMbop" as a measure of time? Chaotically Lottie, I'll let you answer that one for me.
• Is Rock-Paper-Scissors an acceptable way to settle who pays the rest of my student loan debt?
• Am I too old to have student loan debt?
• Is it still cute when I shout "Did I do thaaaat?" in my best Urkel impression when I accidentally turn into a food zombie and eat four Lunchables and an entire box of Cookie Crisp cereal?
• When did chewing my own toenails get weird?
• Is a crimped side ponytail considered "business casual?"
• Is being able to burp the alphabet in one giant belch still considered a talent?
• How many times a day am I permitted to use the phrase, "That's so Raven?" If it's less than seven, I'm no longer interested in adulting.

Getting older is proving far more exhausting and complicated than it was in my youth. It was much easier making bracelets out of tube socks after seeing an Avril Lavigne music video on TRL than watching "The Golden Girls" and scouring the internet in an attempt to find where Sophia got her sweater.

Speaking of, if anyone knows who Sophia's stylist was, hit me up.

Do people still say that?

Dope.

Kendra Sparkles OUT! Deuces.

Mad props to T. Kent Jones for the totally rad editing! So fetch.