Was it because you desperately missed them? Were you longing for them? Or were you simply stuck in a time that used to be the happiest moment of your life?

I dreamt of him again. It's not my first time dreaming about him. It's a quiet pattern my sleep keeps tracing, because it's been like this since five years ago, and apparently, he always appears in my nice dreams—whether it's a bland dream I keep forgetting when I wake up in the morning, or an interesting dream in the middle of my nap where I get excited to sleep again, hoping it's continuing the same dream. But his appearance was never part of a nightmare.

He always shows up—either as the main character beside me, someone I happen to talk to, or even just a simple cameo at the far edge of the frame like in a movie. And strangely, I always recognize him. That's him. It's always him.

I don't know why I dreamt of him. I don't get the clue. He was one of my friends, a classmate to be exact. We kind of grew up in the same environment—same school, same class, same study group, same list on the results of the test. I was a mediocre friend and shy, while he was the star of the class: funny, goofy, and outgoing. He shined through everyone's glasses. His smile, the brightest. Is that the reason why I kind of put my interest in him? And apparently my brain catches it as nice memories? Maybe.

While he was the brightest, I was the shy little girl in the corner of the room. A very different person, I might say. But he was nice to me. I don't know why but He always tried to talk to me and pull little pranks and it doesn't feel like he's bullying me or toying with me because that way It felt like they were finally including me.

And after that we were always together. I didn't realize it at first, but being around him changed something in me. I'm not sure what exactly shifted, but there was this feeling, like people had started to notice. We become comfortable with each other He would poke my shoulder with a pencil just to catch my attention, throw silly surprises, or try to seeking laugh at his own jokes before I even reacted. He always made sure I was part of the moment—drawing me into conversations, waiting for my response, watching how I'd react. Whether it was a dumb joke, a quick debate, or a harmless disagreement, I always felt like he wanted to hear what I had to say. Somewhere in that quiet space between teasing and attention, we found comfort in each other's presence. Maybe it was because he kept pulling me into the light, never letting me stand too far behind. With him by my side, I felt seen. I felt safe.

And at that point we grew close, close enough that sometimes little secrets would slip from his mouth, but only when it was just the two of us. Things he wouldn't say around others, he'd say to me. And in those quiet moments, I knew we shared something unspoken, something soft and real.

He would always text me, asking whether I was going to school or not, sharing random stories from home, or even talking about his love life sometimes. I don't know exactly when we started getting closer, or how. Maybe I've just forgotten the details. But his presence slowly became familiar, natural, as time went by.

I would say we became best friends after that. People might've thought it was crazy, because we were completely different people but he always tossed those shitty things aside so I wouldn't have to hear them.

Unfortunately, it failed. And things only got worse after we decided to fall in love. People got mad, for no clear reason. Was there something wrong with love? I didn't know. I was clueless, naive.

At that time, I didn't understand what love was supposed to feel like. But I still said yes when he asked me to go out with him. Maybe it was strange. Maybe love was supposed to be comforting, like us. Maybe love was meant to be wild, a crazy duo like we were. Or maybe love was just meant to be exciting because of all the new things you learn.

And I learned that he became —

my first ever love.

Is that the real reason I keep dreaming about him?Maybe.

I don't think I know the answer.