I always knew that communication was important in a family, but when I heard about Family Meetings in a Positive Discipline course I did, I was quite impressed. I started these family meetings only with my husband first. We talked about education, family budgets, planning trips and problem solving things that bothered us like not leaving cups everywhere and how we could solve it, etc.
Family meetings can be seen as ideal activities to do with your family, like a trendy Instagram thing to do sort of thing. But when you actually understand the meaning of them and adapt them to your family dynamics, they can become a favourite activity for both children and parents.
So, what are they?
Family meetings are basically weekly reunions you do with all the members of the family to share appreciation moments, plan family trips and problem solve things that are not working or that bother you in the family. Everything is written in an agenda, so you keep records and it's easy to organise and remember.
But it's very important to know that only from around 4 years of age (if not more depending on the child), kids can start joining these. They need to be old enough to have rational thinking and good communication skills. But you can still do them with your partner (if you have one), so you get used to it when your child/children are ready for them.
In family meetings everyone gets a say. It's all about respect, no blame, and effective resolutions. Here's a structure* of what a family meeting would look like:
- Introduction. "We will read these steps until we all know them. Who would like to start with number two?" (If children are old enough, they can take turns reading the steps.)
- Compliments or Appreciations. "Each of us will share one thing we appreciate about each member of the family. I will start. I would like to compliment __________ for _____________." Give each family member a compliment, and then have everyone else do the same.
- Family Meeting Agenda. "The agenda will be placed on the refrigerator (for example) so everyone can write down problems during the week. You'll notice that leaving dishes in the sink is on the agenda for us to practice problem solving." (We also have a notebook so we can write everything there whilst we are in the family meeting).
- Talking Stick. "This item will be passed around to help everyone remember that only one person can talk at a time, and that everyone gets a turn."
- Brainstorming. "Brainstorming means thinking of as many solutions as we can. While brainstorming, all ideas are okay (even funny ideas) without discussion."
- Focus on Solutions. "Let's practice with the problem on the agenda. Who would like to be our scribe and write down every suggestion?" (If your children aren't old enough, you can take this job.)
- Encourage the kids to go first. "Who would like to start with some wild and crazy ideas?" (If no one speaks up, you might need to get them started with some wild ideas and some practical ones by saying, "What about throwing dirty dishes in the garbage? What if each of us takes one day of the week?" But first allow for silence.) If someone objects to an idea, say, "For now we are just brainstorming for solutions. All ideas will be written down."
- Use the 3 R's and an H to assess proposed solutions. Encouraging solutions must be (1) related, (2) reasonable, (3) respectful, and (4) helpful. "Who can see any solutions we need to eliminate because they are not related, reasonable, respectful, or helpful? Our scribe can cross them off after we discuss why."
- Choosing the Solution. "Do we want to narrow the ideas down to one solution or try more than one? We can evaluate how the solution or solutions worked during our next meeting, in one week."
- Fun Activity (such as a game, cooking, or popcorn and a movie) "We will take turns choosing an activity for the end of each family meeting. For tonight I've chosen charades. Who will volunteer to decide the fun activity for next week?" (Here, you can also just plan trips for the month, talk about budgets, or any family admin, which is a great opportunity for your children to see how you plan effectively as a team having everyone in mind)
*(Points taken from the Positive Discipline Association website)
As I mentioned, you can change or modify anything you don't like about the structure. For example, we don't use a talking stick as we are quite good at respecting people's turns when talking.
Also, family meetings don't need to be at home, set as a boring task you have to do. Otherwise, children specially will see it as a boring mandatory thing. You can maybe do it outdoors (if the weather is ok), or even go to a cafe and have a special treat whilst doing it (if your budget allows you to). Be creative, things don't need to feel boring if you adapt it to your family dynamics.
And finally, never use these meetings as moment for telling off or lecturing. Never bribe a child to do the meetings, like "if you do the meeting, you'll get TV". This only makes it worse in terms of feeling demotivated. Just do it with your partner instead, and they'll probably feel like joining.
Family meetings can have quite a lot deeper points that we need to have in mind. I'll try to summarise them as much as I can here:
- Families need to introduce the whole process gradually across several weeks, so it's not a very foreign overwhelming thing all of a sudden. The first week, it begins with introducing the agenda, the tool where everyone can write problems they find and they need help with. If a child can't write, they can always draw something to express what they mean, or just try to remember to verbalise it at the meeting. Parents can guide their children by suggesting ideas and placing the agenda somewhere visible, like the fridge, encouraging everyone to contribute over time (without jumping to solutions too early).
- In the second week, everyone learns about compliments and appreciations, where every member has a turn to say something nice about another member. This is not about praising how someone looks (a superficial aspect), it's more about really appreciating something that someone has done that was helpful or kind like washing the pots for everyone, taking time to play or listen to them, etc. This helps build emotional safety and connection.
- In the third week, adults can introduce brainstorming for solutions, which is a creative process where everyone contributes for ideas to solve one problem from the agenda. No judging or correcting during this phase, just idea sharing. Later, everyone filters out impractical ideas and selects one respectful solution to try for the week. If they can't all agree, they simply leave it, and try again later, reinforcing patience and teamwork!
- When the family seems to understand the dynamics and the process, you can add the final 2 elements of a fun family activity and use the calendar to plan upcoming events or quality time. This helps keep meetings light, fun, and motivating for children (and parents!).
Remember, it's not about perfection, but progress and learning. Even when meetings don't go smoothly, the experience itself builds valuable skills like listening, problem-solving, emotional regulation, and mutual respect. Sometimes, parents like talking too much, and that can be detrimental, because the power of family meetings is letting children have a voice. Keep the reunion to 15–30min max, have them every week when it suits you, and stay consistent, otherwise they will lose meaning.
With time, family meetings become a powerful routine that strengthens your family from the inside out.
I hope you found this post useful and if you have any questions or an opinion, don't hesitate to leave a comment below!
In case you find it helpful, I have a course called "Bring Gentle Parenting into your Home" for adults to learn how to apply a calm parenting approach at home.
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