[Phone rings]

Hello, this is Dr. Pradeep. I see. Your son was jumping on the bed, fell off, and bumped his head? He was monkeying around again? Haha, that's a good monkey joke. You sure have a funny bone! Haha, that's a doctor joke. Anyway, from what you're describing, he doesn't seem to be concussed, so I suggest he not jump on the bed again. Simple prescription, right? You have a good night too, ma'am!

[Phone rings]

Hello, this is Dr. Pradeep. Again? He fell off the bed again? Wait, a different child of yours? How uncanny. Why don't you FaceTime me?

Well, I see no severe injuries. So, the good news is: she is okay. The bad news is: she won't be if you don't follow my instructions hereafter. No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Yes, jumping on the bed is dangerous! Unprompted, it can lead to head trauma. It can also lead to a defective mattress… which can lead to back pain… which can lead to death. No, that's not a doctor joke. Alright, good night, ma'am.

[FaceTime call rings]

Hello, this is Dr. Pra — You're kidding. ANOTHER kid fell off and bonked his head? You're lying! Only three minutes have passed since we last spoke. Hold on — how are you getting transferred to my personal cell so quickly? You know what, never mind. It's midnight. I'm so tired… Anyway, no swelling or anything! Yes, this child is also fine. But listen, we can both get some shut-eye and prevent them from potential injury if you just heed my words for the third and last time: no more monkeys jumping on the bed! Got it? Repeat after me. No. More. Monkeys. Jumping. On. The. Bed. One more time. NO. MORE. MONKEYS. JUMPING. ON. THE. BED. Alright, ten-four? Night, ma'am!

[FaceTime call rings]

AW, GEEZ — are you for real? You're supposed to be an intelligent species, right? Did you clonk your head too and are unable to recall and relay my instructions? "WOO WOO AH AH"? What is that?? Please stop SCREECHING into my ear! AHH, SORRY! What I'm trying to say is you need to run a tighter ship! Be stern with them, like how Tripitaka is with Sun Wu Kong! Excuse me, how do YOU not get that reference? Maybe you're NOT the most intelligent species! I said what I said! AHH, SORRY! Hanging up now! NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED! NONE! GOOD NIGHT!

[FaceTime call rings]

OHHH MYYYY GOOOODDD. WELL, I'LL BE A FRICKING MONKEY'S UNCLE. How is this even possible?? This must be a phenomenon! There are only two reasons for your kids to be toppling off the bed at this rate. One: you fed them way too many bananas, and they're on a rampaging sugar high! Two: you fed them way too many bananas, and they're NOT on a rampaging sugar high, BUT all the BANANA PEELS were left STREWN on the bed causing them to SLIP and go BA-DONK! Not sure if I'm impressed?? Also, how many freaking children do you have?? You phoned me, what, five times tonight, each concerning a different child?? I understand it's difficult to subdue more than one under control, but COME ON. Were they all raised in the jungle?? I mean, OKAY, I GUESS THEY WERE. You're a mother of twenty?? Oh no, I see through our call that they're drape-swinging, face-planting, and chucking their noggins into the ceiling now?! Good god, it's like that scene from The Wizard of Oz with all the apeshit-batshit ape-bats!! You know, those weird-ass, baboon-ass flying monkeys?! Is that what they're trying to do?? Jump higher to mimic flying?? Are they trying to embody those evil, monster monkeys who side with that evil, mucus-colored crone?? If so, that's not a far cry for your little chimp imps, is it? AHHH, SORRY! Actually, I'M NOT! You want me to help you calm them down?? This does not align with my job, but I'll help a frazzled mother because I welcome a challenge!! Clearly, my previous advice wasn't working so open your ears for my revised prescription: TIE THEIR TAILS THROUGH THE LOOPS OF THE BED FRAMES LIKE A TETHERED DOG TO A POST! That way, they are rendered immobile so you can finally PUT THOSE MONKEYS STRAIGHT TO BED! I will send you a tutorial on how to tie a clove-hitch knot! See it?? Godspeed, ma'am! You must succeed, for your sake, my sake, and your children's likability's sake because, right now, I do not like them. So long! I won't be expecting a call! BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WILL SUCCEED!

[Phone rings, FaceTime call rings, frantic door knocking]

AHHHHHHHHHHH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and get our best stories once a month by email.