Creating a list of relationship deal breakers is one of the best ways to protect yourself not only from getting hurt but from getting into a relationship with someone who is completely wrong for you.
Growing up, I had deal breakers based on what I saw around me, but it wasn't until I took a dating hiatus and took the time to learn about myself that I truly learned what I wouldn't stand for.
With that being said, outside of highly recommending swearing off dating for some R&R with yourself and learning what your own deal breakers are, here are a few deal-breakers to consider when deciding whether the person you're with is worth it or not.
Cheating.
If they cheat once, they will do it again. Don't ever forgive someone who betrays you and wait for the next time they decide to break your heart.
I read a lot of books, a big bulk of them being fiction stories that talk about very real things, such as cheating. Usually, the husband cheats, and the wife forgives, or vise versa. I stop reading after that.
In movies and TV shows, cheating is often "expected" when you're in a long-term serious relationship. People get "bored," stop putting in the effort, etc.
They go to counseling, they recognize their mistakes, they try to move forward, but they almost always cheat again.
According to an online survey of nearly 21,000 men and women who claimed to have had affairs, 60% of the men and half of the women were unfaithful more than once.
I personally think having the mindset that cheating is expected is asinine. For me, cheating is an instant deal-breaker. There's no excuse or justification for wandering outside of your relationship.
These things aren't "accidents." You don't accidentally meet up with someone at a bar. You don't accidentally go to their house. You don't accidentally take your clothes off and have sex.
Those are all things you're doing consciously, and excusing this kind of behavior and forgiving your significant other is you setting yourself up for a cycle of being cheated on, forgiving, and being cheated on again.
If your partner doesn't respect you enough to stay faithful, dump them. They aren't worth your time.
Your arguments always get out of control.
I wrote an article on how to resolve conflicts because it's an incredibly important topic to educate yourself in.
Prior to my current relationship, I knew nothing about conflict resolution. I always acted on my emotions and always wanted to be right.
My biggest flaw, however, was not understanding that when you argue with your partner, it's not you vs. your partner. It's the two of you vs. the problem.
In heated moments, it's easy to say stupid things we don't mean, but there's a huge difference between arguing with your partner over something in a respectful yet heated manner vs. allowing it to spiral into something completely out of control.
If your partner uses foul language, calls you degrading names, gaslights you, attacks you instead of the issue, or brings up past experiences with the intention of hurting your feelings, then you might want to consider walking away.
Healthy relationships are all about communication and fair conflict resolutions, not about seeing who can hurt the other more.
You don't have the same vision for the future.
You can love someone so much, have a great time with them, share a million things in common, but they still might not be the right person for you.
He wants to live in the city, experience life, be wild, whereas you want to live in a nice suburban house and settle down.
You want to go shopping and travel and eat at nice restaurants; he wants to save money.
You want kids; he's not interested.
Even if the two of you get along incredibly well, these simple yet fundamental differences in your goals and where you see your lives going can create resentment problems if you don't address them.
My ex had no interest in getting married or having kids, yet this was something I've always wanted in my future. He failed to mention his lack of interest in having a family until later on in the relationship, and it was hard to leave at that point, but I had to make a decision.
I'd either spend the rest of my life with someone I deeply cared about but had to give up my dream of being a mom, or I could acknowledge that was the end of our story, and it was time to say goodbye.
If your partner has every single thing that you want in a significant other, but their vision for the future doesn't align with yours, you need to take a step back and see if it's time to say goodbye.
Are you willing to give up your dreams? Your beliefs? Your values? No? Then walk away. There's someone out there who won't make you compromise on those things because they want them as well.
They have zero ambition, no drive, and no motivation.
Do you really want to be with a couch potato?
You might love and care for your partner deeply, but if they have no goals, no ambition, no motivation to get up and do something with their lives, they will drag you down with them.
You can't change your partner. You can't motivate them to get a better job, or make more money or prevent them from playing video games all day. You can't create goals for them.
You can encourage them, but ultimately it boils down to them making a choice to do something with their lives or not.
Consider this, when was the last time you tried to change something about yourself? Was it easy? Probably not. Personal change is rarely simple.
Change takes time, effort, perseverance, and motivation. You have to really want to change in order for it to happen.
If it's that hard to change yourself when you're motivated and want to change, imagine how hard it would be to change if you're unmotivated and unambitious.
At the end of the day, maybe you'll motivate your partner to get a job, but you won't change the fundamental aspect of their personality or character that makes them lack ambition or motivation for the future.
It's just not worth it.
They don't take care of themselves.
You're on top of everything. You exercise, eat right, drink your water, take care of your mental health, and constantly work on being the best possible version of yourself.
The problem? Your partner doesn't.
If they don't take care of themselves, how do you expect them to take care of you? Or your relationship? Or anything in general?
If your partner neglects their personal hygiene, never makes any effort with their appearance, refuses to take care of their physical health, they're showing a lack of self-respect and a lack of respect for you.
A friend of mine has been dating someone for over five years now.
Throughout those five years, she's tried to encourage him to go to the gym, take walks, quit smoking; she even tried to help him change his horrible diet by cooking him delicious and healthy foods.
All it's done is drain her, stress her out, and even at times, hinder her from eating well and exercising because he'd discourage her.
Even if you have all the motivation in the world to hit the gym and eat well, it's incredibly easy to fall into bad habits if the person closest to you doesn't share the same values and goals.
Life is too short to compromise on things you shouldn't have to. If your partner isn't treating you the way you deserve, cheats on you, had a different vision for the future, it might be time to call it quits.
Your future self will be grateful when you end up meeting someone who is aligned with you.