YELLOW IS NOT MY COLOUR

Have those words really come out of my mouth before?

Yes yes, they have actually — on multiple occasions.

I can tell that you are so-very-desperate to see a photo of me in my uniform. Fortunately for me, I have destroyed every last copy. I know just how sad you must feel that you will never get to witness my one of a kind, neon yellow, reflective life-vest-situation. Tragic.

Bus patrolling, as a fifth grader, was no easy feat. If you have never had the privilege of holding this honorary title, I envy you.

I had a plethora of responsibilities, all of which teacher and bus driver salaries "apparently" did not cover, they included the following:

  • Looking like an idiot in my vest, check
  • Wrangling small children on and off the school bus
  • Keeping those small children alive on the ride home from school
  • Preventing underwear from being ripped off and held out the bus window — I'm looking at you Timmy
  • Holding kids' foreheads apart, as they would attempt to brawl, while waiting for the school bus to arrive

Those were only a few of my daily, ever-so-pleasant tasks. Truly the best part of my day.

Bus patrolling is actually a very serious position, so I'm not exactly sure why they left a bunch of elementary school kids in charge of running it. Though, we did have to endure a "super official" certification program.

Well, it was only one day. So, I mean how legit could it have really been?

We arrived at what was essentially a bootcamp for children. I felt like I had been transported into my favourite movie Cadet Kelly! My ten-year-old brain seriously wondered, "Wait, is this what it's like to join the army?"

Much of our day would be spent in a massive school gymnasium, which had to have been filled with approximately 18,492,357 other kids.

Two of my friends and I had decided to volunteer ourselves solely so we could skip school that day. Apparently, all of the other 18,492,357 kids seemed to have had the same idea.

Our itinerary for the day went a little something like this:

9:00 am: Welcome Ceremony "You are all welcome for this free field trip. Now shut up"

9:30 am: How To Be a Bus Patroller 101 Boring slideshow, pictures of buses, safety diagrams that appear to be from 1937, baby barf yellow vests, yada yada yada — you get the point

10:45 am: Snacks Because we were clearly exhausted from all that sitting around

11:00 am: Outdoor Training They led all 18,492,360 of us to this huge parking lot outside. It was filled to the brim with school buses and for the next 3 hours we learned to jump out the back of the bus, where the emergency exit is located. Apparently, if something dangerous really were to happen — this is the best they could come up with. Please. Just for a second. Imagine what that looks like. Oh, and at the last minute, they casually snuck in a fun little tidbit of information. They let us know that, if by any chance the bus driver ever passes out, we should all collectively launch their body off the seat and take control of the vehicle — yeah okay Susan. Then why did we just learn to jump for 3 hours? Looks like we just threw that whole idea – quite literally and figuratively – out the window

2:00 pm: Lunch Literally, it was just lunch

3:00 pm: Final Certification Test We all spread out across the gymnasium floor and did a MONSTROUS multiple-choice test, which figuratively lasted longer than most of my high school midterms. Spoiler alert: I passed.

4:30 pm: Official Yellow Vest Ceremony Listen kid, this is a super serious job okay. You got that? Good, here, now wear this and look super stupid doing it!

Ivana acted as a Bus Patroller on bus #7390 for exactly 63.5 days. Timmy and his underwear schemes drove her up the wall. She was also far too embarrassed, to ever be seen again, in that absolutely atrocious vest. Shortly after she started a petition for the uniform to be outlawed.