Collective Inaction
The busiest Kroger in the tri-county area happens to be where I shop regularly. It's affectionately known as the Murder Kroger — not because of any crimes. The homicides only occurred in the Winco parking lot. The nickname comes from the feelings this location invokes in even the most passive humans who shop there. It's always busy, and everyone goes out of their way to be in your way.
Quite a few of my neighbors will drive out of the way to hit up MILF Kroger because it offers a more pleasant shopping experience.
I did not come up with these nicknames. A quick scroll through our local Subreddits is all the evidence you need. If it were up to me, they would be called DILF Kroger — because I shop there — and Rich People Kroger because of the kinds of cars I always dent in the parking lot.
But no matter where you shop, you'll always have to deal with one thing.
The Audacity of Self-checkout
These days, everyone's going on strike. But it wasn't until all my favorite TV shows got delayed did it occur to me I, too, could go on strike.
I've been performing free labor at Kroger for 20 years. Here I thought AI was supposed to steal our jobs, not give us crappy ones.
The self-checkout kiosk appeals to a surprisingly large number of people who feel they are better at scanning and bagging groceries than someone who does it all day, every day, while they watch the timer trickle down towards their death. I speak from experience here, having lost three years of my life working five months at a Cracker Barrel.
But these machines make the experience of buying your groceries into a slow-burn nightmare. The poorly designed security features do not make it any harder to steal stuff, but they sure make it impossible to shop without revealing just how little it takes for me to yell at an inanimate object.
My mental health struggles aside, it's time to take a stand. Either Kroger voluntarily puts human beings in the 15 unstaffed registers, or they start paying us. And I'm ready to share the list of crimes we'll commit until they agree to our demands.
We Need to Ruin the Math by Driving Up the Costs of Self-checkout
According to some probably accurate statistics, stores save 66% on paychecks when they use self-checkout. They get one person, often a child, to oversee wild humans who only want to go home and veg out.
People desperate for easy dinner solutions are forced to interact with an automated employee who can't even pass a reCAPTCHA quizlet. Luckily, it's easy to save money by ringing the wrong thing up or even outright stealing stuff. Here's all you have to do.
- Always ring up organic produce as conventional.
- Aim the scanner gun at toilet paper, cat litter, and other large items while making a pretend beeping sound. Make eye contact with another customer to ensure they know they can get away with it, too.
- Shove extra items in the bag and put on your angry, impatient face while trying to scan the next thing. The cashier will eventually wander over and tell the machine to shut up and let you keep going.
- Trash the receipt hanging out on the printer before you leave. It's just evidence they can use against you.
- If someone gives you trouble, threaten to go to MILF Kroger before asking to speak to a manager. When they turn away, take your groceries and run.
On the way out, block as many parking spaces as possible with your cart. At the very least, we can get them to hire more clerks to collect the buggies.
Judgment Day
The war against machines is already happening. It's my humble hope we can kill off self-checkout before the automated vehicles come for us. Or, at the very least, try to stretch our grocery budget before we get laid off.
