A simple truth
Let me get the basics out first. I love my football. I support Portsmouth in England-so no glory-hunting for me. Our undisputed rivals are that "small club" down the road — Southampton. I'll refrain from the names both sets of supporters reserve for each other here, but I never want "Saints" to win, and always have a wry smile if they lose a game.
This is the reality of football rivalry at its basest level, and I guarantee no Saints fan ever wants to see Pompey win either. We revel in the misery when our rivals are doing badly, and the bigger the game they lose, the bigger the smile. It's just how it works.
This week saw three of the four places in the Champions League and Europa League finals filled by English teams, and a debate has been raging. Will you be supporting one team because they're English sides and it's good for the national game? Harry Kane thinks so.
Can you find me a Manchester United fan who was supporting Liverpool in the 2019 Champions League final in northern solidarity?
Were there any Newcastle fans who's didn't have a big grin when Portsmouth beat Sunderland in the 2019 Football League Trophy final? (Sorry, couldn't resist getting that in!)
Were Barcelona fans saluting Real Madrid's "La Decima" (10th) Champions League victory in 2014 because "it's good for Spanish football"?
Did Sheffield United fans feel better they weren't the only Sheffield club to be relegated when their city rivals dropped into League One this season? Of course they did.
Would a Saints win in the 2003 FA Cup final have been a "good thing" for Hampshire football and break the monopoly of the "big clubs"? You can guess my view and get the idea.
We might try to deny it, but this is the reality of being a football fan. It's not something I'm proud of. Schadenfreude is not something I do in any other part of my life — but football is somehow different.
You don't choose your team — or your rivals
Where does this mindset come from? Maybe it's easier to think about where your own club loyalties come from.
I was born in Portsmouth, half a mile from my footballing Mecca — Fratton Park. My maternal grandparents lived their entire lives in the city. My great-grandfather and grandfather were Fratton Park regulars and saw the highlights in my club's history — FA Cup winners in 1939 and the two championship-winning teams of 1948–49 and 1949–50.
Pompey are in my genes! They are the only club I was going to follow. But this sporting inheritance means Southampton was always the club to "hate" or at least who I want to see lose.
I'll be honest, I'm old enough that hating a football team is a pointless exercise, but the Fratton Park faithful will always voice their views of that "other team in Hampshire" and I know Saints supporters hold Pompey fans in similar regards!
For the genuine fan, you don't choose your team — it chooses you by whatever means. Whether it's by birth, your family team, where you live or the first team you saw play. By extension, you don't choose your rivals.
The roots of rivalry
In an "unfortunate" irony, I grew up living far closer to Southampton than Portsmouth, and have worked in the city of our rivals for over 20 years.
I have friends from childhood who are Saints fan and work with many supporters. Do I "hate" them? Do I despise the city of my footballing rivals? Of course I don't. It's a pleasant city and the fans I know are lovely people — just with a questionable choice of their football team!
Joking apart, like me, they have their personal reasons for being fans of Saints, which I respect. But why does the thought of your rival winning anything fill the football fan with such horror? Here a few reasons:
Bragging rights — just ask Manchester City fans how it felt for the years Fergie's United were winning everything in sight.
A troubled history — just ask Brighton and Crystal Palace about the origins of their rivalry.
Jostling for supremacy — think Celtic and Rangers, Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund, Real Madrid and Barcelona or Boca Juniors and River Plate.
Geography — welcome to Nottingham or Dundee for rivals who really are "too close for comfort".
The "bigger club" conundrum — this is something that seems to exorcise football fans. The logic being the more trophies you've won, the bigger the team you are, or that you are bigger than your rivals.
To illustrate:
Portsmouth — League Champions (2): 1948–49, 1949–50; FA Cup Winners (2): 1938–39, 2007–08; Football League Trophy Winners (1): 2018–19.
Southampton — FA Cup Winners (1): 1975–76; Football League Trophy Winners (1): 2009–10.
Does this make Portsmouth the bigger club as we have more major trophies? Saints have a bigger stadium and have far more years in the top division than we do. So while my heart says Pompey are the bigger club, is the football fan's need to remain the "bigger club", despite recent history, what drives this thought?
The football fan paradox
But here's the paradox. We might want our rivals to always lose and never win a tournament taking them nearer the number in your trophy cabinet, but equally, you always want them around. Within the last 20 years, both Portsmouth and Southampton have been very close to financial meltdown and going out of existence. As much as the prospect of ever losing against Saints makes me feel nauseous — and I'm a nervous wreck on Derby Day — not for a moment did I want to see them vanish as a club. I also know from the Saints fans in my life that they didn't want to see Pompey fold either.
How can we on the one hand revel in the misery of their pain, yet still want the troubled "football relationship" that is this rivalry, despite the prospect of taking a heavy beating and dealing with the aftermath — last year's 4–0 home League Cup defeat to Saints still hurts!
Maybe a certain old maxim is the only way to explain the strange psychology of football rivalry — "Can't live with them, can't live without them".
If you enjoyed my article, here are a few more from me that hopefully catch your interest!