ABORT ABORTION BANS!

Historical midterm trends suggest the GOP has the advantage, but Democratic candidates are surging thanks to a summer of big Biden Administration legislative victories, as well as Republican primaries choosing potentially unelectable, crazy candidates.

On no issue are Republicans more out of step with public opinion than abortion, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is reportedly begging GOP Congressional candidates to shut up about women's rights, autonomy, and anatomy until the election.

McConnell was recorded this weekend accidentally ranting about his midterm woes on a hot mic during a Senate luncheon event. The following is a transcript of what he said:

"Our primary voters have f*cked us, John [Thune, Senator of SD]. They're all idiots. Dumb, politically ignorant, strategically useless idiots! Every election this happens. The projections look great in the spring, we get excited, and then the summer primary season rolls around and our moron voters elect a bunch of racists, pedophiles, secretly gay homophobes, women-hating rape-apologists, Nazis, and dumbasses with 6th grade intellects. We should be getting big majorities in both chambers this year, John. Huge majorities! I should be getting 56 votes in the Senate! But our f*cking idiot primary voters somehow always vote for the candidates who have the least chance winning a general election! I was truly surprised they kicked Madison Cawthorn out. I bet Kevin McCarthy $10,000 our idiot voters would keep him in. I guess it's a good thing our voters have some line they'll finally not cross. Too bad that line isn't until you get into the territory of homoerotically humping your cousin's face on tape. But our voters are blowing it with all the other candidates! Dr. Oz is the most out of touch candidate I have ever seen in my life! J.D. Vance is so uncomfortably opportunistic and ideologically scheming he gives even me the creeps. Me, Moscow Mitch, the Darth Vader of the Senate! And what the f*ck is up with Blake Masters? I have never hid or been ashamed of my great passion for turtles so I'm clearly a reptile fan, but Blake Masters is so cold-blooded and lifeless he may actually be one of those reptilian shape-shifters the QAnon psychos go on and on about. And don't even get me started on Herschel Walker! And now all this abortion stuff is killing us! From now on, I'm giving $5,000 in Senate campaign funds weekly to every candidate who can get through the week without telling women to thank God for being raped! It's the easiest f*cking thing to do in the history of politics! Just don't say rape is a good thing! Jesus f*cking Christ! I hate our primary voters so much! I want to strangle them all!"

The following are other unpopular proposals for new laws on abortion and women's rights that GOP Congressional candidates have suggested on the campaign trail:

• A law that all women in America MUST have their periods on the 15th of each month so it's easier to track their pregnancies and abortions.
• A national program where girls, starting at age 5, will be given a government-issued and stamped chicken egg to bring everywhere they go to teach them about the importance of protecting fetuses. If anything happens to the egg, their parents will be fined $100 to replace it.
• A mandate that "Big Science" must officially announce that the clitoris is a hoax, and scientists must stop profiting off the lie that women can enjoy any form of sex for non-procreative purposes.
• A budget expenditure of a $100 million grant split amongst several, select doctors to begin research on finding biological processes with which men can carry and birth babies instead of women on account of how much more trustworthy, dependable, nurturing, and loving men are over women.
• A program for pregnant women to check in with a "pregnancy compliance officer" every two weeks.
• A new medical regulation that doctors must tattoo tally marks on women's arms when they go for their first pregnancy checkups so that everyone can compare how many times in their lives they were pregnant with how many children they have.
• A law that says wives must submit all their prayers to God for their husbands' approval to make sure they're not praying for a miscarriage. God would never knowingly allow a miscarriage to happen, but sometimes He gets busy and misses a few because there are so many Satanically conniving women around the world He must monitor at all times.
• A law that says single women must never bathe their underwear zone so that men are physically repulsed if they get anywhere near an unmarried vagina.
• The repeal of prohibition on child marriages.
• Disenfranchisement of women' vote until the number of abortions in America goes down to zero.
• The institution of a new civilian award issued by the President for women who die from preventable pregnancy complications called the "Medal of Maternity."
• Legalization of polygamy, but for men only.
• A law that women must wear ankle chains and shackles that prohibit their legs from opening wider than hip length apart. The keys to these chains can be kept by a father, older brother, or church leader until the women get married.
• Segregation of schooling by gender so that Godly, studious boys aren't distracted by sex-obsessed girls who can only seem to think with their labia.
• A national ban on sexts from women so they'll stop harassing men out of the blue with their unwanted, topless photos.
• The addition of a new Constitutional amendment that says married women must "put out" 3 times a week unless they're pregnant or menopausal.
• Reinstitution of the draft for women who get abortions so if they're going to kill babies at least they'll kill the babies of our enemies in a war.
• A regulation on medical schools where they must invite an Evangelical pastor or a Republican member of Congress to be present when they're teaching medical students about the female reproductive system to ensure they're not telling "liberal lies" about the uterus.
• Federal recognition of male sperm as "America's official gamete" over female eggs.
• The legalization of public masturbation because, even though it's unimaginably unlikely, some of those publicly deposited spermatozoa could somehow find their way into a uterus, and it would be a blessing from God.
• A policy where male Republican members of Congress with promising careers can get one "abortion coupon" per year for their mistresses, but no other abortions will be allowed.

Check out my book "Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post" available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon!

Follow my daily Dada journalism here on Twitter @HalfwayPost, and follow me on Medium for more of my comedy.

Check out my comedy portfolio!