My upbringing was an Irish cliche. Devout Catholic parents. Four brothers. Educated by nuns. Spuds, rain, cabbage, Tayto crisps, Curly Wurlies, The Late Late Show, limited hot water, guilt…more rain. You get the picture.
I wouldn't change a moment of it.
However — at this point in my life I've spent more years living outside of Ireland than I did in the Emerald Isle.
I've adapted to my new home. I even like to think of myself as a fully functioning and productive member of American society. That said, if you scratch away a few layers of skin you'll likely hit a green seam that runs rich and deep.
In practical terms I look like an American: bit on the chunky side. I half-sound like an American: is that wholewheat? vegan? organic? shade grown? hand raised by yoga-practicing farmers... I've hosted a July Fourth BBQ. I've cooked turkey for Thanksgiving. I sorta understand how the Electoral College works. I can't explain to you how President Trump got elected.
I've integrated with the best of them, but there are times when my native greenness shows through. Especially around St. Patrick's Day when I do a lot of inner eyeball rolling over what passes for Oirishness.
To better assist you this St. Patrick's Day I've come up with a list:
What Not To Say to Irish People. Added Bonus: Appropriate Alternatives
- Top o' the mornin' to ya
Never. Ever. Utter these words. Apparently this expression may have once been used in Ireland. Like — back in the nineteenth century. No native Irish person ever uses it.
Suitable alternative: How's it goin'? Grand day altogether.
2. Happy St. Patty's Day
No. No. No. Please, not St. Patty. A patty is a thin round piece of ground or minced food, as of meat or the like (Dictionary.com). It is not how you refer to St. Patrick, Apostle of Ireland, who single-handedly chased all the snakes off the island.
Suitable alternative: Happy St. Patrick's Day. Happy St. Paddy's Day.
3. Oh! I'm Irish too
At first when people said this to me I'd get excited and ask "Where are you from?" Irish people love playing Six Counties of Separation. If you keep naming people you went to school with, worked with, people your friends went out with, people you played sports with — you'll eventually come up with a mutual acquaintance.
But if your relatives came to America many many years ago — make that before, during, or after the Famine — you are Irish American. It doesn't mean you don't have Irish DNA — maybe you're 100% Irish, genetically speaking. But, to a person born in Ireland, you're not Irish. No offense intended, but don't get our hopes up that we might have gone to the Gaeltacht (Irish language summer camp) with your second cousin.
4. Are you making corn beef and cabbage?
No, I'm not. I never had corn beef and cabbage until I arrived on this side of the Atlantic.
When I was growing up we ate a lot of bacon and cabbage. Only the bacon wasn't the crispy breakfast variety. Rather, it was a piece of uncooked ham that we boiled in a pot of water. Cabbage was added when the meat was almost done. The two were eaten with boiled potatoes.
Apparently when Irish emigrants arrived in the US they bought corn beef from Jewish deli's as a substitute for the Irish-style bacon. Corn beef was cheap and could be boiled with cabbage. And it was served with spuds just like back in the old country.
Before you know it, the combo was embraced as traditional Irish fare.
Suitable alternative: Colcannon (recipe below) served with a nice piece of salmon or a lamb chop. Or, just on its own.
5. Do you speak Gaelic?
Nope, I don't. Gaelic is the Scottish version of the Goidelic languages, which are spoken in Ireland, Scotland and the Isle of Man.
In Ireland we refer to the mother tongue as Irish. I nearly got into an argument once with a Canadian who insisted Irish people don't refer to the Irish language as Irish. "That's what we called it when I studied it. All the way through national and secondary school," I told him. "Thirteen years of it."
It's like if you speak French. You say, I speak French. Not, I speak Francais.
Suitable alternative: Do you speak Irish? Or: Can you talk as Gaeilge? (Pronounced os Gael-ge.) Meaning: Can you talk in Irish?
Podcast recommendation: Motherfoclair. www.headstuff.org/motherfocloir. A fun podcast if you want to learn about the history and current usage of the Irish language.
6. We flew into Shannon airport…
And thus begins the travelogue. Of your trip to Ireland. Which included (let me guess) visits to the Cliffs of Moher, Galway, the Blarney stone, the Ring of Kerry, Guinness Brewery, The Book of Kells, Dublin Castle and (maybe) the Titantic museum…
It's not that we don't like hearing about your vacation. I love when people tell me they went to Ireland. In fact, I feel personally responsible for their experience. I exhale with relief when I hear they had a good time.
But we don't need to hear all the details. Of what you had for breakfast. Or how many Aran sweaters you bought. Or how windy it was on the Cliffs of Moher.
Suitable alternative: Tell us the most surprising thing you heard or saw during your visit.
7. Ireland, Scotland, Wales, the United Kingdom…they're all the same, right?
Umm… they're not. The UK is made up of the island of Great Britain, which includes England, Scotland and Wales, the northeastern part of the island of Ireland, known as Northern Ireland, and a bunch of other small islands.
The Republic of Ireland has 26 counties and shares a border with the 6 counties of Northern Ireland. The Republic, sometimes known as Eire, is completely independent of the UK.
Podcast recommendation: irishhistorypodcast.ie.
Irish history is long and involved. If you're interested in learning more this podcast is a good place to start.
Suitable alternative: What county are you from?
I could go on. But I won't. I think I've given you enough to work with. And I don't want to sound snotty about faux greenisms.
Because when all is said and sung, St. Patrick's Day is a day to celebrate Ireland. Her people — including her far flung diaspora. Her culture. Her contribution to the world.
So, honestly, if that means grabbing a green bagel, tinting your hair green with Kool-Aid, downing a green beer, then go for it.
It's all about having a bit of craic (fun).
Just don't say Top o' the mornin'…
Please.
