Porn is…tricky for me.

It always has been. Part of it is because I was involved for years with a religion that told me anything even remotely sexual was sinful. When I got married to my ex at 19, I was told that sex was okay for making babies, yes, but any sort of sexual act that could not result in procreation (such as blow jobs or anal sex) was a definite no-no.

Porn was the devil according to my ex-husband's religion, the one he so desperately needed me to convert to in order for his family to approve of our marriage.

But he was more concerned with us looking like we followed the rules than actually following them. He could compartmentalize, and he used porn regularly to get the satisfaction his sexually repressed wife wasn't providing him.

Now, it's been 12 years since my divorce. Since working to let go of the sexual shame religion shoved in my face all day, every day.

And I've since enjoyed my fair share of porn.

But still, there's something so magical for me about leaving a little to the imagination. For example, I've often preferred reading explicit sex to watching it play out in porn. I like letting my imagination take over. I like seeing whatever visuals I prefer to come up with in my mind.

But I also love to watch romantic, sexual films that aren't porn. When actors are good at what they do, they can bring an emotion and hunger and passion to the sex scenes that I just don't get from porn flick.

For me, sex is highly cerebral. I love getting that mental stimulation, and I need more than naked people fucking each other for the one and only purpose of achieving orgasm to feel turned on.

Sometimes, just seeing two characters in a movie slowly move in for a kiss makes me more aroused than porn ever could.

I guess you could say I'm a bit of a romantic. Shhh — don't tell anyone.

When it comes to being turned on by sex on film, I know from experience that I need to see a story. I need to see characters who connect. Whether they love or hate each other, I need there to be some real fire between them.

And I need a whole lot of passion.

Fuck Yeah, Television For Women

I'm addicted to Lifetime movies lately. You know the ones. Television for women? They are mostly terrible, but like, so terrible they're great.

Please don't read too much into my appreciation for them. Call it a quarantine coping mechanism.

Anyway, the most raunchy rating a Lifetime movie can go to is PG-13 — meaning pretty much nothing explicit. Might seem boring at first, but I've been amazed at some of the things that can get me going without seeing tits, ass, and ten-inch cock.

The other night, I was watching Sleeping with Danger. They often have titles like this. Generic titles that sound like generic porn films but aren't.

This one particular scene actually wasn't meant to turn the audience on. It was meant to show how the female lead's boyfriend was getting progressively more abusive, violent, and dangerous.

I think it goes without saying, but just to be clear, I don't get off on violence and abuse against women. However, I'm aware this is make-believe, and that I'm allowed to enjoy any fantasy in my imagination that I like.

In this scene, the lead and her boyfriend are hot and heavy in bed. She's on top of him, straddling his legs, taking charge and talking to him in a dominant way.

He's not a fan of being controlled, so he grabs her hair, yanks her head back, and kisses her neck. The kiss turns into more of a bite as he pulls on her hair and forces her onto her back. When he gets on top of her, he puts a hand on her throat and squeezes as he slides inside of her. (No, we don't actually see him enter her, but you can see enough movement of the hips beneath the sheet to know what's happening — and it's delicious.)

When she tells him to take it easy, he puts his other hand over her mouth. He chokes her and fucks her and keeps his hand pressed against her mouth, muffling her protests, which, eventually turn into muffled moans of pleasure as her eyes roll up to the ceiling.

This is dark, and no, this isn't every woman's fantasy. But for a submissive gal like me who likes a bit of rough-ish CNC play (consensual non-consent), this really pushed my buttons. I was turned on physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Nowadays, I'm thinking that's really what I need to get off. Glistening, naked body parts slapping together until the big cum shot just isn't enough for me. I need more substance (no pun intended).

My Dirty Little Secret

A couple of weeks ago, I was using my vibrator for the first time in a long time. My libido has been shit lately, but even when my sex drive is low, I'll occasionally want an orgasm.

I think it had been at least a month since my last climax at this point.

While my partner slept in the bedroom, I took my vibe to the couch and played a movie while I tried to relax. This particular movie is one that people love to rag on. Maybe I won't say what it is.

It certainly doesn't rhyme with thrifty maids of clay, I'll tell you that much.

Okay. I love the story of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. Sue me.

I know the writing is not without its problems in the BDSM community, but the movie fucking turns me on. These actors are insanely attractive and just fun to watch if you can suspend your criticisms.

And the thing that gets me with the film's insanely hot sex scenes is the passion. These are great actors, and I can feel their emotion, their desire, their hunger.

Tension in storytelling is another element I need. It's that anticipation, that emotional thrill that gets my adrenaline rushing. I need that sort of connection when I'm fucking someone, and so I love to see it unfold in movies.

And while I greatly appreciate the naked form, I don't really need all the in-your-face wet and wild genital close-ups.

So, while I enjoyed watching Christian and Anastasia go at each other with the fire of a thousand suns, I got off on the couch, thrusting my vibrator inside me with my right hand, and snaking my left hand beneath my tank-top to massage my nipples.

I came a few times. Then I cried. The emotion was overwhelming because I miss — and so deeply crave — being wanted and sexually desired. I really do.

By the way, this is incredibly embarrassing to admit. Getting off to Fifty Shades has to be one of my dirtiest little secrets, so remember, this is me being fucking vulnerable with you. Go easy.

Desire is My Ultimate Aphrodisiac

All this is not to say that I don't enjoy watching good old unemotional porn once in a while. Sometimes I am in that raw raunchy mood where I just want to see fucking and be fucked (or, in most cases lately, fuck myself).

When I do watch, I tend to prefer amateur porn with real couples. You can sometimes still get that sense of desire in these videos that you don't see in over-produced and over-acted professional porn.

One of my favorite things to watch is a woman masturbating. I love to see between her legs as she touches herself. I think it has to do with the fact that I know exactly how she feels, how pleasurable it is, as she touches herself.

When I see this kind of video, I'm right there with her, rubbing myself in the same way she's rubbing herself.

But truthfully, I think softcore porn is more my speed. That, and dark romance. Anticipation and desire between two people is so undeniably arousing to me. Nothing drives me crazier than the delayed gratification that happens throughout the story and then, just when you can't stand it anymore, your thirst is quenched.

I want to see the passionate kissing, the hunger, the moment when a woman's breath is taken away by a single touch. I want to see — and feel — the emotion between two people.

I want to see it because…I want to experience that kind of passion for myself, too.

Sign up for my newsletter, and you'll get updates on my latest creations. You can also connect with me on the Sex Curious Podcast and Twitter!

This story is part of Sexual Espresso, a weekly column published here at Sexual Tendencies.