So you just broke up with your borderline ex-partner (who suffers from borderline personality disorder, that is). Like a regular breakup, you're probably feeling all types of emotions and have questions running through your mind. Should you stay in touch with your ex? Will that make it harder for them? Should you go non-contact like all the best BPD sources tell you? There's never a black and white answer, but it might help to know when no contact is used with a person with BPD.

No contact is when the non-borderline partner ceases all forms of communication with the borderline partner. (I now will just use NB and BP, respectively). This is usually done in cases where the relationship was abusive and/or the BP is abusive during the breakup.

Why is no contact employed with people with BPD? Well, for starters, borderline personality disorder centers on a key part: an intense fear of abandonment and behaviors to avoid being abandoned.

The people who are avid advocates for going no contact after a borderline breakup are usually people without BPD. They think that if they are out of the BP's sight, they will simply forget about them. Well, not all BPs are wired the same way, and what works for some does not work for all.

People are probably wondering: what is it like for a person with BPD to have their ex go no contact? The short answer: like falling down the deepest and darkest hole in the world.

You wake up, check your phone, and see that there are 0 unread messages. How can that be possible? Two days ago they were sending you good morning texts and telling you about their plans for the day. Now there's nothing.

They haven't even responded to your texts from the night before. You check Facebook and it says they were active 6 minutes ago. Your heart drops in your chest. Who are they talking to? Why aren't they talking to you? They have time to talk to Martha from accounting but not you, their former love? How dare they?

You know you're supposed to go through your day like there's nothing wrong. You're just going through a breakup, that's all. But you feel like every part of you is hurting more than you ever thought they could. You get angry at every thing that happens each day. You might even think about threatening to do something drastic just so they'll talk to you. Maybe you'll even do something drastic because you can't bear the pain of them not talking to you.

This goes on for weeks and weeks. Maybe it'll be numbed out by alcohol or drugs, or sleeping for hours and hours. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone new to pretend you're "over it" by now and use sex as a way to distract you. But nothing will ever distract you fully from thinking about the person you loved so much who won't even give you a second of their time.

People with BPD are inherently incredibly dangerous to themselves. We struggle with self harm, suicidal behaviors, impulsive behaviors, intense emotions, and more. Most of us have serious abandonment issues. Who thought that no contact with a BP would be a good idea?

I'm not saying that there are no cases in which no contact can be a useful tool. If your ex partner is abusive or you never want to speak to them again, no contact can be used to sever the ties you two have. But if you do want to have your ex partner in your life to some degree, even in a later future, no contact may not be the right way to go.

If you choose to go no contact, please give a little warning at least first. Tell them why this is necessary for you and how it will also benefit them. We are generally quite empathetic, so telling us why you think it is better to cease communication is better than dropping off the end of the Earth, leaving us to pick up the small pieces that remain.

But if you make the decision, don't go back and forth. You can't go no contact, then break it for a day, then go back, and over and over. That's not setting a boundary with the BP, that's letting both of you know that you can't set boundaries. Going back and forth is even worse than no contact because you are not letting the BP heal, you are just reopening the wound every time. They will lose sleep over when you will next contact them and what you will say. Just don't do it. Make a decision to go no contact or to not, and then stick with it.

Whatever choice you choose, you have my support. Ending a relationship in general is such a hard period of time in your life and many mistakes can happen around that time because of the heightened emotions you may be feeling. You don't have to go back to the amount of contact you had when you were dating if you choose to keep in contact with the BP. If they tell you that having less contact with you than when you were previously in a relationship is causing them pain, then it may be best to go no contact. On occasion, a BP might actually initiate no contact. If that happens, accept that this is what they have deemed this necessary for their healing. Dealing with a breakup is no easy task, but we do make it out to the other side eventually.