Imagine waking up one day to find that your body has decided to skip a few decades, throwing you into menopause in your 30s. Surprise! You just joined a sorority you didn't RSVP for. And as for the pranks, it looks like you'll need a 'No More Shenanigans' sign for your room.
Honestly, skipping periods, dealing with fatigue and a crappy mood, plus the accumulating waist fat against staying fairly active, felt like my body had played a cruel joke on me, leaving me scrambling to understand why.
This unexpected detour forced me to dig deep into the potential causes for this, and as my therapist likes to say, "It all goes back to your past."
So, I started taking a good look at my past to face the hidden scars that may have shaped my nervous system. But guess what? This journey also illuminated a path to healing I never realized I needed. Read on to understand the perspective I've chosen on my experience with premature menopause.
Physical Safety
Let's rewind to my childhood, shall we? Picture a home where "calm" was a foreign concept. My environment was a mix of chaos and instability. The constant drama meant my nervous system was perpetually on high alert.
Physical safety is more than dodging harm; it's about having a serene, stable environment where you can breathe without waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Growing up, my house was like living in the middle of a never-ending action movie. Arguments were the soundtrack of my life, financial woes were the plot twists, and the threat of disaster loomed like a bad sequel. My nervous system was stuck in overdrive. Fast-forward to my late 30s, and bam — premature menopause. The years of relentless stress were finally cashing in their chips.
Emotional Safety
Now, let's talk about emotional safety. This is the part where parents are supposed to be your emotional superheroes, guiding you through life's ups and downs as a child can only self-regulate decently around 12 years old. Unfortunately, my mom was too busy dealing with her own stuff (and it was a lot, believe me) to be there for me emotionally. So, there I was — a tiny ball of anxiety, figuring it out on my own.
Without emotional safety, my nervous system stayed in a state of hypervigilance, like a security guard on a never-ending night shift waiting for my mom to have another rage attack to give me a silent treatment for no reason.
Living in survival mode is not just tiring; it's utterly exhausting.
It leads to exaggerated reactions to even the smallest stressors and a grab-bag of unhealthy coping mechanisms.
By the time I hit my 20s and 30s, I already struggled with depression and anxiety and had a toolkit of bad habits — binge eating, workaholism, and no healthy boundaries — to name only the stars.
Consequences of a Lack of Safety
Growing up without physical and emotional safety is a total body blow. When your nervous system is stuck in survival mode, it's like running a marathon without ever crossing the finish line.
For me, this marathon led to chronic anxiety, back pain, irritable bowel syndrome, and, ultimately, premature menopause. Complex PTSD, after being exposed to years of stress, doesn't just make you feel terrible; it's a thief that robs you of your health.
PTSD is associated with faster cellular aging [4, 7], which could result in earlier natural menopause due to higher rates of ovarian follicle and depletion ovarian reserve (e.g., anti-Mullerian hormone [AMH] levels) — Posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms and timing of menopause and gynecological surgery in the Nurses' Health Study II.
My AMH levels are close to 0.
Luckily for me, I have a small child, so impaired fertility is no longer an issue. Still, I do feel for so many women I see on the Facebook group support I just joined who are struggling to conceive in their 30s due to primary ovary failure (POF) or ovary insufficiency (POI).
Healing Through Safety
"Safety is the treatment." — Stephen Porges
Healing can't happen in the same environments that caused the harm. So, I had to make some serious life changes.
Next, I had to learn to enjoy my own company and appreciate silence. This is still a tough one. I'd always been the type to surround myself with noise — TV, music, social media — you name it. But embracing silence is like discovering a hidden superpower. I started meditating, which was basically sitting quietly and trying not to think about everything I had to do. You got that right! It's harder than it sounds. But slowly, I began to enjoy these moments of peace. They became my sanctuary.
Then, I became more discerning about who I let into my life. I realized I didn't need a hundred acquaintances. I needed only a handful of friends, if not fewer, who truly understood and were there for me—the ones who didn't drain my energy but filled me with joy. Check.
Lastly, I started catering to my own needs. This was revolutionary. I'd always put everyone else first, but now I was learning to prioritize myself. I asked myself simple questions: What do I need right now? How can I make myself feel better? Sometimes it was a hot bath, sometimes it was reading a book, sometimes it was just saying no to plans and binge-watching my favorite series. It was about listening to my body and giving it what it needed without guilt.
Ok. So Now What?
Premature menopause is a wake-up call, forcing me to confront the deep-seated issues stemming from a lack of safety in my early years.
There's no physical reason as to why I am reaching menopause this early, but as someone who's been in therapy for years dealing with my Complex PTSD from childhood trauma (I've been neglected and sexually abused), studying the available research from health studies supports my belief that the lack of safety from my early years and prolonged anxiety may have played an important role to my condition.
I know that menopause is irreversible. I am working on accepting this. However, I want to be in control of how I feel during menopause, which makes all the difference, and here, I think that Proges has the key.
Safety is the healing treatment, and instead of adding extra stress to this news, I choose to take action to create a safe environment where I surround myself with nurturing relationships. I allow myself the time and space to recover and accept myself, hour by hour, day by day.
This journey is difficult, but with safety as my foundation, I believe I can rewire my nervous system and discover the peace I've always yearned for, which in turn will lead to acceptance of this life phase.
Premature menopause is a tough diagnosis for any woman.
I needed an explanation as to why this happened to me to help me cope. More so because this condition, like mental issues, is invisible to others. Nobody sees it to comfort you; hence, you go pretty much alone through it.
I choose to focus on my health by creating safe spaces in my life where I can be in control. I strongly believe that how we manage our mental health through such life-changing events is the key to helping us thrive, not just survive.
I am taking the first step today by finding safety.
If you liked this story and want to support my work, you can buy me a KO-FI or become a Friend of Medium👇 ✌️ or join the Working Moms newsletter on Substack 🔥