tell me, world, why is my Heart wasting his love away on idle bodies when i'm here?

i'm a soul that could translate even his most creviced thoughts. i could forgive even his coldest sins. i could believe even his truest lies.

world, tell me what to do with all this love spilling out of control from my body. it's all for him, yet he's not here to be poured into. why do you keep sending me lessons when all i ever wanted was love that could hold me forever?

i wish i could relive every moment spent wrapped around his arms a million more times, hear him say i love you a billion more, and feel his passion a trillion more until all the time i have left on this earth runs scarce.

tell me, what can i do with all my yearning for a love that was killed before it was even given the chance to bloom? tell me, what sins did i commit that condemn me to settle for scraps of the most genuine memories of love i have ever experienced — only for them to exist in secrets and stolen hours under 2 a.m. dimmed lights?

i wake up to mornings of piercing silence, echoing feelings of emptiness and the ugly realization of being used — a placeholder for loneliness, a confession booth for sins, and nothing but a shell of what i give that never returns to me.

tell me, world, what karma am i paying for that is so disgustingly vile that i deserve such hurt, when all i've ever done for and wanted from love was a chance to be seen, understood, and chosen?

tell me, Heart, why does loving you have to lead to losing myself? why can't it just be? what do these idle bodies have that i don't that they get to experience your care and your time, and i don't? now all i get from you are tattoos, cryptic posts, and promises of a future that may never even happen. when did a love so passionate and deep become so shallow? tell me is the love i can give you not worthy of moving mountains and stealing stars? you know we could run away and live together in the apartment we always dreamed of, right? oh Love, won't you go to war for a love like mine, leave the life you know, and give me the world?

and if you're already at peace with losing the love we had and are ready to settle for mediocre happiness, i hope the world gives you every piece of all you ever wanted. and i hope none of them feel like me.

yet i know these are just passing pleas of desperation, fleeting feelings of loneliness, and the final flickers of my longing. it's been months, but every now and then i revisit hell. time will heal all wounds, and i'll eventually forget about the pain, about you, about us.

like my last cigarette, i burn to the tip just so i can savor every bit of it. it's such a melancholy feeling to want the pain to end, but not wanting to let you go, because

this pain is all i have left of you that is mine.